I've hit an all time low with ds aged 9 - please help

[sinkingfast]

I could really do with some advice re ds who is 9, nearly 10. He's always been a very full-on, high maintenance child but lovely with it. I also have dd1 aged 7 and dd2 aged 5.

In the last 6 months to a year, every time we see other children, it always follows the same pattern - ds totally overexcited and me telling him to calm down, followed by everyone playing OK (although ds wanting to control everything/wanting everything his way/wanting to win) until something happens and he kicks off. He'll then take himself off (a strategy I suggested when he was about 7 and which used to work well - he would then calm down, take a deep breath and come back to play) but nowadays, he cannot seem to break out of it and the other children end up looking totally bemused.

Today we had some other children visiting who he loves and the same thing happened. I'm seriously worried this need to control everything and kicking off when he can't (and then not being able to calm down afterwards), coupled with being sullen, moody and pretty rude when kicking off, is going to result in him having few friends who will stick with him. I've just realised that no friends have phoned or called for him all holidays .

I'm desperate for help and advice - I realise that I have no doubt contributed to this behaviour but I really need advice as to how to make changes in the future .

Help

DS better today - a good night's sleep always helps. If anyone has any further suggestions, especially re my last post, I'd be very grateful.

Thanks batters - I think I've got a lot of tongue-biting ahead!

I've been thinking a lot about "modelling" behaviour and feel that soapbox really has hit the nail on the head - thank you soapbox and everyone else

sinking- Some of the behaviour my almost 9 year old DS1 sounds similiar to your DS. In one of your posts you asked 4 questions about table manners, hogging the biggest/best etc. My DS was all of those.

I go through stages of being really worried about how he relates to other children. I imagine the worst case scenarios about him being completely friendless, because it seems to me that he always wants to be in charge, and gets upsets if he doesn't win. What a bore to be around.

We went out today with a mixed group of children and adults to an adventure playground. Normally I would be on tenterhooks, ready to intervene if I thought he was misbehaving. I just sat back and let him play without watching too closely. As i wasn't so focused on DS1, I observed other children playing and realised that many of the boys of that age were quite pushy with eachother, wanted to be in charge and had little outbursts. Two of the friends I was with were getting upset with their DSs for behaving in this kind of way.

Perhaps it is normal behaviour for this age.

Ds has only seen two school friends over the summer, and one of them left after DS kicked him!!!

Mimizan, that's really interesting. I'm certainly guilty of obsessively picking apart the 5% of the time with friends that he's a PITA and totally ignoring the 95% that he's fine! I also really recognise the "being on tenterhooks" feeling when out with friends/family - I guess we're locked in a downward negative spiral and it's in my hands to sit back, ignore the bad & praise the good and set us back on a more positive keel. And I do think it is more normal than maybe we think it is (and from reading threads on here, having a compliant child who doesn't push forward their opinion can lead to a whole different set of problems).

Thanks for your post

I also think I project quite a lot onto him. He's my eldest and at the age I was where I have clear childhood memories. I remember feeling left out by the in-crowd, and spent a lot of time on my own at home reading. I want him to have an active social life, and it makes me anxious if I see him jeapordising this in anyway. I forget he is still quite young and therefore will be immature.

You are so right about compliant children. There is a boy in DS'S class who is so well-behaved you hardly know he's there. He is a lovely boy, very polite, considerate, and quiet. He comes to play and DS complains before he gets here that he's a goody two shoes, and I shouldn't have invited him. His mum is really worried about him being too quiet, and not out-going enough. I think she hopes some of DS's 'exuberance' will rub off onto her DS, whereas I hope DS will 'catch' some of her DS's consideration for others.

I suppose all children are different, and will cause different anxieties for their mothers.

It really helps to know you are not on your own though.

mimizan, are you sure you're not me?? I could have written your post word for word, especially about the being left out and reading.

I'm going to try and carry on posting on this thread to track my progress at "butting out" - would love to hear how you're getting on too

My DS1 has been great the last few days. He played well with two friends who came around to play today. They were girls though, and he seems to play more harmoniously with them than other boys. Perhaps he feels less of need to compete?

DS2's behaviour has been pretty challenging though.

Hope you get some more useful advice.