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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Someone please help me - DD (2.5) has been having a massive tantrum for over an hour and I don't know what to do now.

49 replies

milfAKAmonkeymonkeymoomoo · 19/08/2008 14:13

Went to the park this morning got home and made and offered her lunch which she refused to eat. She was rubbing her eyes and crying so I took her to bed. She refused to go to bed and wee-ed on the floor and has been screaming in her bedroom for over an hour. Have been up periodically to check on her and try and distract her.

She is saying she is hungry but because she refused her lunch I don't want to give in and give her her lunch would rather wait until she has had her nap as she is clearly over tired. Am I doing the right thing or should I just give in and bring her downstairs or will she think she has won and do this again next time she feels like being contrary???

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

TheFifthApe · 19/08/2008 14:28

I have pretended to be an elephant before now with arm as trunk waving round the door "seeing if it is safe to come in"

usually gets a watery smile and then you can start afresh

CatIsSleepy · 19/08/2008 14:28

i think tantrums are weird because they are so irrational and the child is so out of control

they can burn themselves out fast or you might have to step in and try to end it

my dd had a couple of doozies last weekend over god knows what
actually one was because it was nearly teatime and dd wanted a biscuit-i said she could only have half

cuddling was the answer in the end
and then she ate the half biscuit quite happily on my lap LOL

think she was tired though-had a late nap and woke up grumpy as hell...

tis horrible when they really get going though isn't it?

LittleMyDancingForJoy · 19/08/2008 14:29

There's definitely a point at which tantrums turn from 'I'm really cross and I want my own way' to 'I don't know how to calm down and I've forgotten what it's about, I'm actually quite scared now'

With DS, normally at that point he starts asking for his bunny, which is our cue for a big cuddle and calm down and a little chat about what a silly fuss that was about nothing. Then he normally does quite happily whatever he was tantruming about doing before.

JuneBugJen · 19/08/2008 14:34

Good way of putting it LMDFJ

BigBadMousey · 19/08/2008 14:54

Well this is all very interesting reading for me.

My DD2 is 2.4 and has had tantrums which usually last an hour since she was 9 months. She has now started waking every 30 mins at night and asking for a cuddle (yes, really every 30 mins from 2.30am to 5.30am).

HV has advised me against everything you have said (which is what I was doing). She would tantrum for about 45 mins then would appear too out of control, scared of what was happening and ask for a cuddle - I would cuddle her at that point (having previously not been able to get near her ). HV has told me this is what has caused her waking episodes - she controls me by asking for a cuddle. So...we have gone cold turkey on the cuddles. Last tantrum was just over 2 hours long and there was only that one for the day - she came out of it herself and continued as if nothing had happened. Night waking is improving too.

But I feel incredibly crap about the whole thing.

Sorry for hijack just had to get that off my chest - as you were and/or flame away.

Original poster

milfAKAmonkeymonkeymoomoo · 19/08/2008 14:55

DD doesn't have big tantrums that often - thankfully - although a lot since we got back from holiday. Usually when she is over-tired and normally popping her in her room on her bed means she falls asleep after howling for a short while. Nothing seems to have worked today, took her up a drink and she has drunk that and seems to be settling.

Feeling like the most rubbish mother in the world today and that I never get things right .

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LittleMyDancingForJoy · 19/08/2008 14:56

that's a tough one, isn't it? If it's working, then I would stick with it, but I can understand you feel rubbish about it. I don't think I'd be able to stop myself cuddling DS when he wanted it, would make me very .

Not sure how I feel about 'controlling you through cuddles', sounds a bit Clare Verity to me.

Original poster

milfAKAmonkeymonkeymoomoo · 19/08/2008 14:57

So glad you posted BigBadMousey, I feel like sometimes DD 'controls' me by asking for cuddles and I feel so guilty if I say no . I feel like since we have been away when she had the undivided attention of me, DH and her Gran and cousins anything less than 100% attention results in a tantrum or if she doesn't get what she asks for.

I am at my wits end, so hard to know what to do for the best.

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BigBadMousey · 19/08/2008 14:58

Sorry that should say cold turkey on the cuddles during tantrums - she gets lots of cuddles otherwise.

LittleMyDancingForJoy · 19/08/2008 14:58

oh milf we all have days like that! DP has come home to find me weeping on the sofa at how rubbish I am in the past.

sounds like you're trying to do the best you can for your DD through a very challenging period! After a holiday everything is always all over the place before you get back in your routine, and remember tantrums are completely normal. Every two year old has them.

Make yourself a nice cup of tea and put your feet up.

Original poster

milfAKAmonkeymonkeymoomoo · 19/08/2008 14:59

Oh and I am quite a soft mummy by nature , BF on demand and 'go with the flow'.

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BigBadMousey · 19/08/2008 15:01

Milf - it is hard and I don't think all these 'parenting' books and tv programmes help. I think they stop you following your instincts - which are usually right - and half the time they seem to conflict each other from what I can tell. Don't take my advice though, do you what you feel is best because you are having to deal with it and you know your DD best - I am a certified terrible mum (of three )

MrsMattie · 19/08/2008 15:03

My 3.5 yr old had a similar sort of tantrum yesterday (thought we had left the terrible twos behind...oh how wrong was I?). Went on for a long time and was ridiculously draining for both of us. I hate these 'stand off' situations in parenting.

I would bring her a small snack and a drink now and see if you can calm her down with some cuddling / stroking. She may well be asleep within minutes if she has been using up all that energy screaming and crying. Good luck!

BigBadMousey · 19/08/2008 15:04

I don't know about you Milf, but for me my parents were the sort who thought you should 'show the child who is boss' in various slightly unpleasant ways (IMO) and that always makes you think twice before dishing out the punishment.

Original poster

milfAKAmonkeymonkeymoomoo · 19/08/2008 15:05

I worry that when she has a tantrum there might be something more seriously wrong that I am missing not just the usual stubborn 2s! How can you tell the difference?? How do you know when they are jsut vying for some control or if they are brewing something/unsettled/having a development spurt??

You are right that every book says to do something different, not only that but GPs and various other family members always have an opinion too

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Original poster

milfAKAmonkeymonkeymoomoo · 19/08/2008 15:07

Yes my Dad was a strict parent and my Mum wasn't a naturally maternal type so I often felt 'abandoned' when all I wanted to was a reassuring cuddle. Probably why I am so paranoid now.

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Original poster

milfAKAmonkeymonkeymoomoo · 19/08/2008 15:07

MrsMattie - that is the perfect way to describe it, a 'stand off' situation!

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BigBadMousey · 19/08/2008 15:10

Ah yes, the 'I'm going to give you my opinion even though you don't want it' brigade. I have been sorely tempted to hand DD2 over to some of those people who have said I was 'doing it all wrong' and see how they got on!

You can't tell if it is an illnes or not. I'm the same, giving benefit of the doubt because one of the others has been ill and this one might be coming down with something too. In the end if you make a mistake and punish them when they were really just out of sorts for genuine reasons then they'll get over it (you might take longer to get over it yourself though) but IM (recent) E they've just been trying it on because the unwell one has had more attention etc. Diff for you of course as I guess you have only the one.

LadySalisbury · 19/08/2008 15:11

I'll bet she can't even remember what the tantrum is about. IMVVHO I think you ought to go up, give her a heyooge cuddle and ask her if she'd like her lunch now. My 2.9 year old ds2 has the most amazing tantrums and I see them as a sign of frustration rather than an attempt to win a battle with me. I (probably naively) like to think I'm helping him through his tantrums rather than adding an extra obstacle or adding to his confusion and frustration.

IShaggedInVictorianSqualor · 19/08/2008 15:26

You don't have to turn it into a fight, no-one wins if it isn't a battle.

A simple 'Have you calmed down now darling?' would probably be enough to show you're still boss and tantrums don't really get you anywhere but you're still mummy, who still loves her.

WilfSell · 19/08/2008 15:35

We used to give something just to get them to eat, even if it had to be a biscuit. Because the physiology takes over and there's nothing you can do.

Sitting on the front step with them always worked a treat also. The distraction I think.

BigBadMousey · 19/08/2008 15:36

Milf - the thing I am trying to hang on to in my mind is that my DCs won't feel unloved or abandoned if they gets lots of love and cuddles when they are good. I think for me that is what went wrong - even when I was good there wasn't much affection.

Ah they joys of parenting......

Has she stopped yet or have you gone to her?

Original poster

milfAKAmonkeymonkeymoomoo · 19/08/2008 15:43

She stopped finally and has gone to sleep after a drink. Will have to go back up in a mo and wake her before 4pm otherwise we will have the same problem tonight - lovely!

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Sophiale01 · 19/08/2008 16:24

I do think that tantrums are a perfectly normal part of development and that as parents, we need to keep control if we can. my 2 year old often has them but i see them as mostly frustration. their whole day is structured, we tell them what to wear, what to eat, when to sleep, etc they have no choice in anything (to some degree) and sometimes tantrums are just a way of saying, i dont want to eat now just because you say so, or i dont want to sleep right now etc. i always try to ignore and then distract if it hasnt stopped. If it goes on after 10 mins, we are out the door for a change of scenery...even if its just for a little while..

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