Hi all I'd really appreciate some input and thoughts on this. Apologies as this may end up a long post!
DS was 3 at the beginning of April, from birth he has been a difficult baby and toddler, for his first 2 years he was pretty much constantly ill and was eventually diagnosed with failure to thrive and after much insisting on our part they finally tested him to find out he was lactose intolerant. Since then he has been on soya versions of dairy.
He didn't talk until he was 2, and he was nearly 3 before we got up to 50 words. At 3yrs and 4 months he still is behind by at least 6 months and we struggle to communicate a lot of the time. They aren't sure what the problem is but he has seen educational psychologists and they say his speech and language (both expressive and receptive) are delayed (expressive by up to a year, receptive by about 6 months), he also has a slight visual spatial delay. (this report was done last year)
Recently (since he turned 3) his behaviour has been getting more and more difficult to handle, he is incredibly easily distracted, always has been but its getting worse not better.
He fights EVERYTHING, with no rhyme or reason. He fights getting into clothes, getting out of clothes, getting into the shower (which he loves once he is in it) getting out of the shower.
Getting him dressed can be like an all in wrestling match with BOTH of us needed to hold him down and manipulate him into clothes.
I have tried everything I can think off with the refusal to co-operate. I have tried getting him involved, explaining what we are doing and why, giving control over to him, giving him a limited set of choices (i.e. between 2 t-shirts /outfits that are both OK, between a bath or a shower), bribery, rewards, threats (timeout in cot), catching him by surprise, waiting til he has finished what he is doing, making it into a game.
I try not to chop and change either, we do the same thing at roughly the same time and if I am trying some new method we try it for a week or more.
but he just doesn't change - I can't cut his hair or nails without screams. And he seems so out of control - his reaction is HUGE, and its not just temper (he does have big temper tantrums and they are different). He just doesn't seem to be able to process the fact that we do this every day and its just part of the daily routine. Nor does he grasp that the more he struggles the worse it gets - I've actually bruised him because he flails around so much if I'm holding him he will wrench his arms.
I know people will say I should just leave him but sometimes I can't! and its every day - both me and DH have to get to work and I can't just let DS go out in a soaking wet nappy and t-shirt when its pouring with rain.
His reaction to stimulus is out of kilter too, its always too hot, too cold, too wet, too dry, too blowy, too sunny - too something! He can't stand itchy clothes but on the other hand he will stay in a soaking dirty nappy for ages.
He shouts and screams a lot, now he has started talking its always at full pitch and he has no concept of slowly. He doesn't stay still, even watching a favourite TV (Sam or bob) he wriggles, jumps down form chair, climbs back up, runs over to the TV, climbs onto my lap, looks out the window, wriggles some more.
That excepting the times when he just switches off, he will stare into space and you can get no response from him whatsoever.
His responses are becoming more and more difficult, I can rarely get his attention. I tend to get down on his level, say his name then ask the question so "do you want toast"..... then if he doesn?t respond I repeat it with variations like "does X want toast?" or giving him responses he could repeat back in case he can't remember the words "no toast" "yes toast" but usually he refuses to look at me, wont' respond and pulls away.
Then there's general discipline, he has a hell of a temper and no apparent fear or belief in consequences. So he will do something which hurts (like flail around with a plastic cricket bat and hit himself hard on the head) but then do the same thing again.
We've tried 'natural/logical consequences' i.e. if he throws a toy across the room we show him that its broken or take the toy away. If he hits mummy then mummy is too sore to play horses.
We've tried ignoring the behaviour - resulting in an entire broken set of crockery and paint smeared all over the floor.
We've tried the naughty corner but he runs away.
We've tried distraction and generally he ignores you or turns that new thing into something destructive
we've tried praising the good stuff (and we do this all the time its not something we stop when trying other 'punishments'. So we say well done, or good try, mummy likes it when you give her a cuddle, its nice to read with you.
the only thing we can do is put him in his cot - it doesn't actually seem to make any difference to his behaviour though, all it does his remove him from the scene and give us time to tidy/clean/make safe and for us to calm down.
its like it just doesn't matter to him because he knows that even if we put him in his cot for a timeout (which he hates) we will get him out.
He still wakes at least once every night and I'm just exhausted. I don?t' like him at all tbh right now and I don't know what to do - he is turning into a horrible little boy and I can't seem to stop it.
When I go to his nursery or spend time with other mums with 2-4 yr olds its like he is in a different world. None of the things they do fit him, he just seems off most of the time, like he's got nearly all the things a toddler should have and some of the time he seems fine, but there's this vital bit missing to do with how he processes stimulus and it makes his reactions either completely surreal or just out of balance.
The Ed psych people also said he was VERY bright, and he can occasionally surpass his age group by leaps and bounds. So normally he draws like a 1-2 yr old, today he came home with something a five yr old would be proud off. With language as well one day we get ?mummy I?m tired, me lie down in cot? then for the next 6 months its naya, naya..... now I know all toddlers veer between being baby and big boy but his seems so severe. Its like one day he is 3 going on 5 and then for the next week or months he literally CAN?T replicate that behaviour even if that means him not getting what he wants/needs because i refuse to respond to naya naya as I KNOW he can say things more clearly.
His memory for places is phenomenal. When visiting his Gparents last month he recognised the roads /landscape about 10 miles away and from then on gave accurate directions to his dad. This is a child who has visited their house 5 times before in total, the last times before the visit in july where feb and the previous June.
I don?t; know - I guess this is probably very rambly and confused but that?s how I am feeling.