Badly Behaved 3.5 yr. old

[lorne]

When I went to pick up my little boy from Nursery today the teacher said that he had made 3 other children cry by pushing and hitting them, I was so upset. He is a very lively little boy but I didn't think he would do that. He started at Nursery last September and she hasn't talked to me before about him. She felt that she would say to me in case the mothers of the three other children mentioned it to me. So when we came home after Nursery I had a talk with him about how it is naughty to hurt other children etc. I normally give him a little treat when he comes home but I didn't today and I also put him to his room for 10 minutes. My husband also talked to him about it when he came home from work. Have any other mams any suggestions about what else I should do about it. I am hoping he won't do it again but I will be nervous putting him now!! Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks

Lorna
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Lorne My son is 3.5 too, it is a really difficult age and it sounds to me like you did the right thing talking to him and witholding the treat. The difficulty is finding out why he did it. At that age, he might not remember or be able to explain how he was feeling or what had happened to make him do it. I mean, it maybe that something had been said that worried or upset him, or whatever. But settling into nursery must be so hard for them, and they get very very tired. Touch wood, mine, who can be v wild at home, has been good at nursery and loves it but I am sure it cant go on forever.
And of course your son may not even have started it. Did the staff say what actually happened?
I suppose I would try to find out his feelings about nursery and the other children, but play this down and hope it doesnt repeat. hth

Hello Lorne I know how you feel. We've changed nurseries twice now because ds was being aggressive to other children, the last one rang us to apologise and admitted it was the key worker's fault by not being able to take charge and she was treating ds unfairly (we had our doubts about her and the first nursery's key worker as they were both wet weekends). Have you asked the teacher if it was just a one-off or if he was doing it in general? If its just a one-off I wouldn't worry too much about it and just put it down to a 'phase'. Our ds (he's 3.2) has been great at this new nursery where he's been for about five months but on Monday he had a tussle with another little boy over a bike and bit him. The woman in charge had a chat with him and we've spoken to him and he understands he was naughty by biting the other boy and he's been fine for the rest of this week. The nursery told us that boys tend to be a bit over enthusiastic (too much testosterone) and most of them go through being over zealous. They just need clear guidelines as to what is acceptable behaviour. It sounds like you've done everything you can so try not to worry too much. Wish I could say they'll grow out of it but even older boys (and men) seem to act like this to some degree. To be honest when I go to the indoor play area and see all the boys it terrifies the life out of me, they're so violent towards each other. Sorry to say but for a while you'll have this knotting feeling in your stomach as to what they might say when you go to pick him up. Even though ds has been great as this nursery I still get a bit anxious. A mantra in your head saying its just a phase, its just a phase seems to help lol. Sorry I can't give any practical advice only understanding how you feel.

Hi Soyabean and Megg,

Thanks for your replies. When the nursery teacher told me that he had made 3 children cry I must admit I felt like crying myself! I should have asked her more about it but I will when he goes back on Tuesday.I just felt I was going to cry so I just apologised very much and said I would talk to him about it. She said she wanted to mention it to me first before any of the mothers do. That gave me a fright as I didn't realise that they might talk to me about it as well. No mothers mentioned it to me today but maybe they will on Tuesday!! He only goes to the Nursery two days a week and then a playgroup for two other so it will be interesting to see if the play group leader says anything. He is an only child so he isn't probably great at sharing so I would imagine it would have been over a toy or something like that. I will let you know.

Thanks again.

Lorna
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Lorna Try not to worry! It really is so normal, and if the nursery is good, they will deal with it by setting a good example. I dont suppose they would tell the other mothers which child it was (surely not?) but maybe the other childrten would say. I wouldnt expect to be told which child had hit mine, just that it had happened. Unless it was a child who mine was actually a 'friend' of, I suppose.
I'm sure Megg is right, that it will be a phase that will pass. Any mother of a small boy should understand. If any of the other mothers do speak to you, lets hope they are understanding, I think most would be, and if not, thats just unreasonable, its not as if it has happened regularly. I know I'm rambling, but please dont worry too much, just support yr son in what is a stressful, as well as fun, time.

Lorne, from what you say it sounds like a one off - your ds started nursery ages ago in toddler time - all of five months. If the nursery workers have never mentioned any other incidents like this in all those months, your ds must be doing fine or the nursery is not very communictive with you.

A similar thing happened to me a few weeks ago. My lively 3.5 ds changed nurseries in January. He was not a hitter at his previous nursery.

One day at the end of his first week I was taken to one side by a nursery worker and told he had hit another child. It was only when I questioned my son that he talked about playing snowballs in the playground and the other child hitting him with a snowball in his face. Didn't excuse his behaviour, but did explain it better.

I would definitely ask the nursery if your ds has hit out before and ask to be informed of any future incident. Personally I think it was rather off of them to talk to you about the other parents confronting you. It was enough for you to know about the incident in order to take further action if you decided to. The other sounds like a bit of scaremongering and not imo very professional of them.

Hi tigermoth, soyabean and megs

My ds has nursery tomorrow so I am feeling quite nervous about putting him. I will put him though and hopefully he will be ok. I have talked to him about it so I am hoping he will behave himself!!

Thanks again for your help.
Regards

Lorna
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Lorna: good luck tomorrow. let us know how it goes. And try not to worry, it may never happen again, if it didnt happen in his first 5 months there. I agree with Tigermoth, ask to be kept informed but dont take it too much to heart.

How did it go Lorna? Thinking of you.

Hi Megg and Soyabean,

We are up in the North of Scotland and have alot of snow, so all the schools and nurseries were closed yesterday and today. DS is due back in on Thursday so I will let you know how he gets on. Hopefully the snow will be away by then. Thanks very much for thinking of me.

Take care
Regards

Lorna

Lorne - I am in the north of Scotland too (near Aberdeen) and we've had quite a few problems with the roads in the snow.

My boy is also 3.5 and similar to yours usually well behaved. I have found that he is badly behaved if he doesn't get enough sleep. It is just a thought and this may not be the problem but it is something that can be overlooked. All little boys tend to be a bit boisterous though - I know how you feel!

Hi Lorna
I am heading to N Scotland this w/e to visit my Mum (Inverness) so am hoping the snow will be gone by then, or at least that the airport will be fully operational! Hope you and ds are able to have fun in the snow while theres no nursery. We only had it for a day where I am and the children feel cheated.

Hi Eulalia and Soyabean,

I live about 15 minutes drive form Inverness, it is a small world!!We still have a lot of snow so I hope you get up ok Soyabean.

We have had great fun in the snow, don't children love it?

My ds sleeps very well so unfortunately I can't blame that. He normally is 7 to 7 so I think he probably is getting enough sleep. I just hope this hitting thing will not happen again. I didn't realise how worrying a parent can be!! Will let you know how we get on.

Take care.

Soyabean - hope you enjoy your weekend.

Regards

Lorna
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Lorna dont worry, most children, esp boys (sorry to stereotype) go through this sort of phase. Most likely thats all it is. Be cool, and even if there are any comments, dont let them get to you!
Glad you had fun in the snow. My kids are v jealous of me going up to Granny's; I think they think we'll be building snowmen together!

I went to a wedding in Dingwall once, its a beautiful part of the country up there. My ex-fiance was from Hamilton so when we drove up we took the scenic route, stunning scenery. The keyworker who looks after my son was telling me today that ds is more likely to be misbehaving in the hour after lunch then he settles down again. He always used to have a nap then and has always got grumpy at that time of day then he seems to get a new lease of energy and he's away again. Have you noticed if there is a key time when your ds is less likely to do as he's told? Good luck for tomorrow anyway and don't worry he's not going to grow up a mass murderer or anything he's just a toddler doing normal toddler stuff. Vicious little buggers toddlers are aren't they?

Hi Megg,

Thanks for your message. I actually work in Dingwall. It is about 6 miles from where I live. What a small world!! Did you stay in Dingwall?

Still a bit worried about my ds,I just hope it will all blow over. I am a bit scared in case the other mams say anything!! I have talked to my ds several times about what happended so when I say to him what are you going to be at Nursery tomorrow, he says a good boy and won't hit or push!! I hope he does behave. I will let you know tomorrow night.

Take care
Lorna
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Hi There,

Ds was at Nursery today and he got on fine. There was no hitting or pushing from him so I was really pleased. I had spoken to him several times about it so I hope he will behave from now on.Seemingly it was another wee boy misbehaving today but I know boys are certainly alot more boisterous than girls so it does tend to be the boys getting in to more trouble than the girls.

Thanks for all your help.

Lorna
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Hi Lorne hope it was OK. I'll be in North Kessock over the w/e and my Mum used to live in Evanton as a child! I'm in London now so its a long way to go. We did think seriously about moving to Inverness a couple of years ago but decided to stay in the end. Dont worry too much about those other Mums, if they have any sense they'll know its normal 3 year old stuff.

Hi Lorna, glad everything went well. I've noticed that at nursery they seem to take it in turns to be little devils. At least its a weight off your mind that he's not turning into a little thug lol. To be honest I was in Dingwall about 15 years ago and can't remember if we stayed in Dingwall itself or another village which I can't remember the name of. The wedding was in one place and the reception in another. I remember the bed in this hotel was just big enough to fit me in (and I was a size 10 in those days), it was freezing cold because they didn't have heating and to say the facilities were basic is an understatement. Great wedding though. Anyway glad you feel happier about ds going to nursery now so at least you won't worry so much when it happens again in a few weeks time when its his turn to be the little devil. Boys are definitely more boistrous than girls and I don't think they realise their own strength sometimes. All that testosterone seems to blind them lol. Take care.

Lorna My last message overlapped with yours, so I hadnt read it when I posted. Glad to see that it went OK today.

Hi Soyabean and Megg,

Thanks for your messages. Yes I feel happier tonight than I did last Thursday night so it is good but I know it could be my ds in a couple of weeks time!! I know what children are like so I would never dream of saying anything to one of the other mams. It was funny when I went to pick up ds today, the first thing he said was, 'was a good boy, no pushing or hitting!!' I had to laugh because if the other mams didn't know that he was a wee devil last week, they would have know after him saying that to me in front of them all.There are never any secrets with kids about!!

I know N/Kessock well Soyabean, it is lovely. I have a God daughter who lives over near the Wild Life Park. Hope you have a lovely time. The snow is starting to go now so at least you will be able to get out and about.

Better go. Have work tomorrow so I have to get organised.

Regards

Lorna
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Just caught up with this message thread and was interested in your nursery key workers comments about what the other mums would say.

At ds and dd nursery, if there are incidents - and there are, as you say, occasional bite or knock - we are told what has happened and given a form to sign. If it was an incident involving another child, neither party is told the other name, which I think is right, (though as the kids get older you can just ask them who did what anyway!)

ANyway, glad to hear all has gone okay since

I agree it seems unprofessional for the staff to tell parents the names of other kids who have supposedly misbehaved. I have seen too many incidents with parents of older children deciding to 'sort things out' directly with adults or even other people's children in the playground. Its horrible, and very upsetting even to witness as an adult, let alone as a child on the receiving end. So the longer that can be avioded while they are little, the better. Of course most parents wouldnt do that, but it only takes one or two.