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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

How to get DS to stay in bed at bedtime-Help!!

48 replies

Phil75 · 24/07/2008 10:18

I mentioned this on another thread but don't want to hijack that one, so here goes... any advice/suggestions welcome!

My DS will be 4 in September and is generally a really good little boy. He's currently prone to a bit of defiance but nothing unusual in my limited experience. The problem is when we put him to bed, he won't stay in there. Nothing has changed in his bedtime routine... it's now just become a habit to kick up a stink as soon as we've tucked him up. He says he's not tired, but I know he is as he's on the go from about 6.30am all day with no naps and I know it's just that he's realised that life goes on when he's in bed and he can't bear to miss out. He's a very demanding little chap.. always has to be talking and centre of attention, so it's not that surprising.

He's always been a bit reluctant to go to bed but before he responded to having one of this 3 stories taken away the next night. Then no TV the next day. However no threat works now and even getting cross just doesn't bother him. being nice and reassuring is fine until the moment you leave the room. We even put a baby gate over his doorway so he couldn't come out, but then he screams and screams and keeps his little brother awake.

I'm nearly at my wits end with it as it means we're all so tired all the time. This in turn makes his behaviour in the day worse. Basically we're all very irritable and desperately need to sort it out!

Help!!!

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juuule · 25/07/2008 20:30

itati why won't your dh let him read?

itati · 25/07/2008 20:35

Because he is 3, it is late and it is bed time. He has access to books all day long.

missmollymoo · 25/07/2008 20:35

9 children!! How on earth do you manage. Hats off to you.

juuule · 25/07/2008 20:40

If he took a book up, would he be awake for ages or would he start to read it and fall asleep?

missmollymoo · 25/07/2008 20:43

itati, I must admit i'm like you. I read to my ds every night curled up in bed with him (he is 6 now and have done so always). I tell him before how many chapters i will read and then it's lights out. Occasionally the chapter ends on a far too exciting part and i know his head will be spinning so i sneak another one in! I pretend it's cos i want to know what's about to happen so he doesn't try it on every night! I'm sure it's just a phase but if sleep in bed is what you want as a family then stick with your routine and it will pass.

VictorianSqualor · 25/07/2008 20:44

itati, I thought exactly the same about my DS1(3.8) but he was warned, either book in bed or no books and he just lays in bed 'reading' and falls asleep within about 20 minutes most nights.

itati · 25/07/2008 20:44

The point is I don't want him trying to read in the dark and I don't want to start any new things. He actually went to sleep quite quickly.

VictorianSqualor · 25/07/2008 20:52

Your family, your choice

Original poster

Phil75 · 25/07/2008 21:29

Thanks for all your advice ladies. You've both provided a lot of food for thought and I think we can all agree that however we choose to achieve it, we're all after the same result!! I've always found it can be difficult to explain to people why we're quite harsh with DS, as, delightful as he is, he knows exactly what he's doing and will push us as far as he possibly can. He's definitely a boy who needs to know his boundaries! Wishing you all a happy and peaceful night!

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Original poster

Phil75 · 25/07/2008 21:33

I might just add that he's still pottering around upstairs at 9.30pm. This is terrible compared to how good he's been up until last week but in relation to the last few nights, it's not a bad result and it's been lovely having not screaming/waking up little bro/pretending he needs a poo etc etc! Blimey.

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VictorianSqualor · 25/07/2008 21:42

What did you decide on doing?

missmollymoo · 25/07/2008 21:43

Just a thought, but as it's a new thing, is there anything significant going on at home? ie, sick relative, new baby for anyone close to the family, getting ready to start school in sept, or any other changes or anything. (not sure i'm making any sense now!).

Just thought if there was, that might explain the disrupted settling.

Just like us maybe our children ponder on things at night. My ds had a very unsettled period when my mother was sick and undergoing lots of investigations about 18 months ago.

juuule · 25/07/2008 21:45

Phil74 - I've just thought of something else. I've read somewhere that children's imaginations kick in between around 3y and 4y+.
It might be that your ds is imagination is working overtime when you put him to bed and that's why he wants to be near you or have you with him. Maybe it's strong enough that nothing you threaten/reassure him with can over-ride that feeling. If that is the case then maybe it would be kinder to keep him near you for a while until things settle. Perhaps that's why he sleeps outside your bedroom door as he might feel safer.

While it might not be the case, it might be worth looking up about children's imagination development and perhaps considering that.

Original poster

Phil75 · 25/07/2008 21:52

Hmm. Nothing's changed in his life at all and I'd say his imagination is not as overactive as some, though he's a very excitable happy little chappy who finds it very hard to calm down! Life is just one big party to him.

Tonight we just carried on the usual routine... bath, stories, milk and a cuddle with me, kiss goodnight and then I bolt out the door, leaving his bedside light on and books to look at. I think the key to a more peaceful night tonight was we didn't enter into any discussions, potential repercussions etc. so there's been no room for dragging it out. Think that was missmollymoo's tack? Am feeling tentatively pleased!

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VictorianSqualor · 25/07/2008 21:56

Very good point with imagination, DS's answer to 'why dod you do that? has changed from 'because I want to' to 'because the teddies told me to, because I saw the farmer do it, because if I do I'll grew wings' etc.

Consistency is agreat tool though IMO.

Portofino · 25/07/2008 21:56

My dd has certainly started saying at 4 yo that she doesn't want to be upstairs all alone and she has had more frequent nightmares so you may be quite right juule about the imagination thing. She has never been good at going straight to sleep so we let her choose a CD after stories and she goes to bed quite late - 8 - 8.30. To me after that is definitely grown up time and she does NOT get back up. If she wants to look at books that is fine. I don't agree in principle with letting them fall asleep on the sofa.

Original poster

Phil75 · 25/07/2008 22:03

Yes well, scrap my earlier 'tentatively pleased' comment. Just found him asleep on stairs dressed as a pirate! Carried him to bed at which point he woke up and started shouting he's not tired and doesn't want to go to bed. We are sticking to our guns though.

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juuule · 25/07/2008 22:07

Have you asked him what he doesn't like about his bed? Maybe if he could choose a quilt set or something like that, he might feel keener to stay in his bed. Favourite teddy who is tired but wants someone to stay with him in bed (ie your ds)?

missmollymoo · 25/07/2008 22:07

Glad the no discussion thing helped. I think even if your talking to them about what they shouldn't do your still talking to them!! Once he realises (however long it takes) that he will always get the same response " it's bed time now sweetheart" and no other discussions he will realise it's too boring to bother!

Of course, when ds is poorly or got a genuine need it's completely different. Don't want anyone thinking i'm wicked.

VictorianSqualor · 25/07/2008 22:10

Another good point from juuule,DS1 has told us quite explicitly that he wants DS2 to sleep in his room, we have explained that he needs to be sleeping at the right times first to teach DS2 how to do it.

missmollymoo · 25/07/2008 22:13

Sorry, but the pirate thing made me LOL. Think juuule's idea is agood one. I do think your right to stick at a plan though. He's clearly tired if he's falling asleep on the stairs!
Sounds like a bed or room problem. Could he have watched maybe a kids programme that was a bit scary in relation to bedrooms? like monsters inc for eg.

Maybe ( and i know this will fill you with total dread), but would he drop off in his own bed with you sat in the room and then you could do gradual seperation, moving further away. I know it's not the best plan, but if it is his room then that might help. he's obviously coming out of his room to sleep. Bless him, he never shouted or came down to bother you which is good, just fell asleep outside his room.

juuule · 25/07/2008 22:18

We've done that, too, missmolly. We've lay on the bed with them until they've fallen asleep and then sidled out.
I just feel a bit sorry for them when all they want is someone they trust near them. I know it's a bind at times but it's not forever.
VS we've found ours 3-in-a-bed before now in the morning. Some children just like someone there.

missmollymoo · 25/07/2008 22:29

I agree. Occasionally my eldest sidles into bed with me sometimes in the middle of the night, when dh is working away. It's not that often and it's always sometime very late. I never oust him out cos i figure he needs the company for whatever reason. He always goes to bed on his own without event, but when poorly we tend to go together and sleep together. I think it sounds more than just playing you up phil74. If he's sleeping on the stairs it's his room or bed that's the issue. If he needs you there to feel safe in his room then go with it. Once he feels safe he'l go back to being happy to go to sleep on his own.

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