13 month old biter - advice please!

[dot1]

Our ds is 13 months and a lively, happy toddler. Recently (since he's been able to walk well) he's started biting when he's really cross/fed up with something - like when we're going round the supermarket and he's getting fed up he'll bite the back of my hand, or when he's playing with something and another toddler comes along at playgroup - he'll either push them away or try to bite them.

We're not sure how/if we can stop this - at the moment dp and I aren't making a huge fuss about it - in the hope that he'll think biting doesn't have any effect. But should we be giving a firm "no!" - we're worried that by doing this we'll be drawing attention to it - which he'll probably love!

How have other Mumsnetters tackled this - we want to get it right 'cos he's so young - can we stop our little thug turning into a big one?!

We were mortified when our dd's (now 15 months) nursery told us she had bitten another child. Thinking about it then, we'd noticed she tended to bite her toys if they weren't doing what she wanted (!), but we hadn't said anything, not thinking it was a big deal at that point. I think for her, it's a frustration thing - the act of biting makes her feel better about whatever is making her cross.

For us, therefore, it has been important that we tell her she is doing wrong, whether biting a person, or a thing. Mind you she's bitten another child at nursery since so it's clearly going to be a long process. She'll grow out of it eventually but I don't want her to have no friends left by that point.

Dd's nursery have a 'timeout' policy they use if the biting gets bad - putting the biter in a cot so they realise it's wrong. But again - this is a technique if it gets bad.

One of our friends told us they actually bit their child back - they were pretty convinced he was doing it in play and didn't realise it hurt. Once he did, he stopped.

When we had this problem with DS, I followed all the "modern" theories,read books etc.,but it did not improve.A few times he bit his brother and drew blood !!! My Mum kept telling me to bit him back, which I ignored. Then one day he was given a realy nasty bit by a child in nursey, and he stoped !!!

I can sympathise with you, my ds used to bite at the age of about 2 1/2. He first bit his brother then someone at playgroup and so it went on. One time i was at a soft play area where i have met up with friends for years and he bit my friends son. I had decided that i wasn't going to use aggression back to discipline him as this seemed to make him worse in the long run. I gave him a firm "no way thats not on" took his sweets away and said it was time for home. I explained how it's wrong to hurt people etc etc. The rotten thing was tho i ended up rowing with my friend because she decided to shout at him aswell and she thought that i should've smacked him. That was the turning point tho, seeing us row about it must've scared him as he has NEVER done it since! For a younger child i think they sometimes can do this until they find a better way of expressing anger and frustration but it should be made absoloutly clear that it's a no no. I would probably either give a firm no with definate eye contact or failing that put in the cot just for a few minutes.Hope things improve soon.

I agree w/ Linzoid. My best friend's DS who is 10 months old constantly bit me and my DD, who is also 10 months old. I was able to avoid the attacks, but it was hard to pull him off my DD. We eventually had to separate them. What I witnessed was that my best friend said that she and her family play around with him and bit his feet and hands, and he didn't understand that he should stop. They did not say "no," and they did not give him a time out. He has not stopped biting. I think you must absolutely use a strong verbal "no" every single time to be extremely consistent - and then to the cot, if he continues.

It's so nice to know that this is usual (unless this is just a gathering of mothers of future football hooligans). My 13 month old bit another kid at nursery and I wasn't at all sure how to deal with it. He bites me and my dh too sometimes (usually when excited but also when cross). We say 'no' firmly and then distract him straightaway so as not to make it a big deal. Seem to be working. dot1 - your little thug has company but I'm sure it's not a permanent thing!

My now 17 month old dd scratches and pulls hair when she is frustrated, tired or 'threatened' in some way by another child. This has been happening since she was about 11 months but has steadily got better and better. I too didn't know what to do at first - my instinct was to say a very loud and firm 'no' and instantly remove her from the situation. But I also felt she was so little that maybe it was too harsh to be so cross with her. For a while I was quite torn - especially as I felt that other mums were disapproving no matter how I dealt with it!
What turned a corner for me was seeing her play worker at our co-operative nursery and how she deals with it. She has been working with little kids for over 30 years and is wonderful with them. What she does whenever she sees aggressive behaviour is to tell the child that it is wrong (please don't do that), why it is wrong (that hurt X, Y, Z) and an alternative (X, Y , Z likes stroking - or if they are bigger - use your words, tell X, Y, Z that you don't like it / were playing with it etc). I think the alternative thing is vital.
Now, whenever my dd scratches or pulls my hair, I say loudly and crossly 'ow, that hurts, please don't scratch me, mummy likes stroking' or some such thing. As soon as she is nice again I am doubly nice back, lots of kisses and cuddles. Her first approximation at a verb was 'stroke' and now she does it almost as soon as she has hurt, sometimes without even being told. Often now she will take a bunch of my hair to pull and I say 'no' and she says 'stroke' and does so. The incidences of her doing it to other kids are far less now too - don't know if it is because she is learning empathy - I like to think so anyway!
I do think it is important that children know straight away that some kinds of behaviour are not on, how else are they to know that biting, scratching etc hurts? I have also heard of the biting back thing working, though think it is probably a very last resort.