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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

How do I stop her driving me mental ???

17 replies

colette · 27/01/2003 14:51

I'm feeling very stressed as I do not know how to control my 4yr dd 's bad behaviour
Last night and this lunchtime I had exactly the same pattern of behaviour - I had agreed she could watch tv until it ws time for bed/ lunch . When I came in and say "its time to turn the tv off "she throws a complete wobbler and refuses to move. This lnchtime she wrapped herself around the curtains refused to move I left her a while came back and she's still there and had pulled some of the hooks off .
She is very stubborn generally but pretty good and very affectionate . This is like the tantrums she used to have . I have calmly asked her to go to her room ( about 20 times ) also asked her to repeat what I'm saying ( this doesn't seem to work anymore, used to be helpful in focusing her). I ended up shouting at her and carrying her to her room, she's now playing quite happily !! I feel I can't carry on like this every time she misbehaves .
I do feel as I have no authority over her at the moment and pretty upset about it as I feel I'm getting it all wrong (I'm feeling a bit more emotional as I'm pregnant ).Any advice on how to discipline without losing it.

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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hmb · 27/01/2003 15:04

I sympathise, as I have had a similar problem with Dd. She is now 6, but it was bad when she was 4. She also had bad tantrums as a toddler. I found that a star chart linked to a small bribe at the end of the week worked quite well. But you have to stick to your resorve, and not give the goodies if the behviour has been bad. She has now grown out of it, and it will pass for your Dd, but it is hard to cope with.

Have a cyber hug.

Temptress · 27/01/2003 15:12

Colette did you see the wife swap programme at all? On there one of the women had a timer. When the timer went off it was time for the child to stop doing something, such as having dummy or watching television. Do you think that something like this might help your daughter. You could turn it into a game and tell her when timer stop television goes off.

Original poster

colette · 27/01/2003 18:56

Thanks for the advice ,
Yes I might try a star chart- MIL gave me "well done " stickers which I just stashed in a drawer a few months ago.
I saw wifeswap - thought the timer was a great idea but wondered if it would just be a challenge to my dd to see what happened when it went off . She has drawn me a picture and asked me not to tell dh !!. As if his opinion of her behaviour is more important!o

OP posts:

Original poster

colette · 27/01/2003 18:57

OP posts:

virgo · 27/01/2003 19:12

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Lara2 · 27/01/2003 19:51

colette - don't repeat - ask her to do what you want just once. If she refuses say (something like) "I'm going to count to 3 and if you haven't - then you will not be able to --." Fill in the gaps for whatever is appropriate. Or she could sit on the bottom step for 4 minutes (1 minute for every year of her life), time doesn't start until she sits quietly, and then repeat the request at the end of the time. If she still won't do it, then it's back on the step. Use this for things you want her to do rather than behaviour you want to stop. EG:- turn off the TV and come to lunch. This means you can't turn it off for her. This is one for when you have the inclination and the energy ( you may have to physically carry her there) - it can take a long time to achieve your goal the first few times. The point is, she's supposed to get bored of sitting on the step and so will do as you ask - eventually!! Lots and lots of praise when she does something good/kind/nice/helpful, especially if you haven't specifically asked her to do it. Star charts with small rewards - perhaps ones that she chooses? These are good for behaviour you want to stop - immediately kicking up a fuss when you ask her to do something. The techniques work well in tandem. This all started for me when I was pregnant with ds2 - ds1's ADHD really beginning to show up as awful behaviour. Have a look at the ADHD threads - lots of tips on there for behaviour management - good for ALL children, not just those with ADHD.

jac34 · 27/01/2003 21:05

I agree with the time out, counting to 3, etc, my DS's are 4 and I think this is the age you can start comming down hard on any bad behaviour. They can understand perfectly well, what they are being asked to do and need to know there are consiquences if they don't comply.
Mine have started answering back, being rude, and just generally not being respectful.They have had time out, treats with drawn, etc,I also employ a tactic of giving the good one more attention and cuddles. It seems to be working slowly, but I realy think this is the age to start being firm !!!

jac34 · 27/01/2003 21:10

DH has just come in and commented, " Who the hell do you think you are to give advice, ours are so badly behaved !!!Oh well!!!!

janh · 27/01/2003 21:53

Don't you just hate it when they come in and stand behind you???

I always minimise and sit drumming my fingers (or playing solitaire) until he buggers off!

Carla · 27/01/2003 21:55

Lara2

How do you manage to get your dd to sit on the step in the first place? That kind of demand would be seen as a complete challenge to my 4yo. Do they really just 'grow out of it'?

Crunch came a couple of days ago when I pointed my finger to her and said loudly 'if you do that again ...blah blah blah' and blow me if she didn't turn round, point her finger at me and say 'if you do that again ...'blah blah blah. It completely took me aback!
We're currently working on the star chart - tho' I think I've drawn in too many boxes for her to associate good behaviour with rewards - must delete some.I completely sympathise with you collette - do you have a younger ds/dd who suffers the wrath of her paddies?

jasper · 27/01/2003 21:58

jac34 that's priceless!
My dh often comes in and lingers and says something like "what's today's discussion, then?"

Of course I never tell him if it is "should I leave my ar*e of a husband?" but pretend it is always about potty training or nursery or something...

willow2 · 28/01/2003 10:03

Spent the afternoon with my mum yesterday. Like myself she too has stopped smoking recently. DS picked up on my congratulating her on doing so well and I explained that cigarettes were very bad and people shouldn't have them. Anyway, got home and ds decided he was going to throw a semi-wobbly about going to bed - when I told him off he turned round and yelled "CIGARETTES" at the top of his lungs - he obviously hadn't quite got that it was smoking them, not just saying the word, that was naughty! I promptly dissolved in giggles and needless to say my authority went out the window...

star · 28/01/2003 17:52

bless him.Brings to mind father Ted!I think that's going to be my new swear word,quite apt when you've given up.

Lara2 · 28/01/2003 19:44

Getting them to sit on the step can be tricky - you have to stay dead calm and keep putting them back on if they get off. I have had to hold ds1 on until he calms down enough to stay on it alone. One of the reasons I said it takes time AND energy! If 4 minutes is too long to start with, try 1 or 2 minutes and build up. I use the step, not a chair because they can't pick it up and chuck it across the room. Ignore the screaming when you do this - it will get less with time. They mostly grow out of it - you just have to be very consistent, calm and firm. Stick with whatever you resolve to do, give it a fair go and if it doesn't work, jack it in and try something else. It's not written in stone - but beware of chopping and changing techniques from one day to the next, it will not only confuse her, but give her a lever to misbehave.

Caroline5 · 28/01/2003 20:55

My dd (4 next week) seems to be going through a rebellious phase too. She keeps doing really destructive things out of the blue - e.g. we were passing a cafe the other day where a waitress was cleaning tables with a bowl of water at her feet, dd dashed up and kicked over the bowl all over the waitress' feet!!! Today, she rushed into someone's garden and deliberately pushed over a large garden "mushroom" - well, it did look pretty stupid! Yesterday in the park, she picked up a small stick and rushed up to an unknown woman and "stabbed" her with it!! I think I'm running out of excuses.... She doesn't seem to listen to a word I say. Aagh!!!

crystaltips · 28/01/2003 21:20

Don't know if this is any help. I have 2 kids ( 7 and 9 ) and still they have problems with grasping the concept of time passing - 'specially when they are engrossed in something they are enjoying
I give them a 10 minute warning followed by the 5 minute warning. When they are then told that they have to stop what they are doing - and don't - then I explode - but I feel that I am justified as they have been kept aware of the time left.
Invariably I am so engrossed in what I am doing that their 10 minutes has turned into 20 minutes anyway.

debster · 03/02/2003 20:05

Ohmigod Colette you could be talking about my ds (4 last week)! Today was a classic example - repeating myself a hundred times, shouting (from both of us), tears (from him). Him repeating what I've said back to me (like your dd Carla). Again I had to resort to sending him to his room but as all his toys are there maybe I should use the stairs/hall as they will be more boring for him.

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