Toddler advice needed

[mum2boy]

I'm feeling a bit down on myself at the moment. Would just like to ask some experienced mums out there whether they think I'm doing the right thing with my 2 1/2 year old. I'm trying to teach him to stay with me when we're out in public, because he has a tendency to run off and do his own thing and I constantly have to look over my shoulder to see where he is and what he's doing. He's a very big kid for his age, so keeping him in a pram all the time is becoming very difficult now. I understand that small kids have a tendency to wander, but I have also seen 'well behaved' kids (if that's the right terminology) walking alongside their parents, holding their hands.

Anyway this morning I had to go to a department store, so I told ds before we left home that I would take him to a park afterwards. When we got to the shops, I told ds to stay with me and within seconds he had run off. I went over and got him, led him back to where I was and told him again to stay near me. He was off again in no time at all and I ended up finding him playing around the changing rooms, opening and closing all the doors. Apart from banging the doors, people were wanting to use the change rooms, so I grabbed his hand firmly and scolded him for running off again. He started whinging and tried to get away from me, so I said "that's it, no park" and I took him firmly by the hand and left the shop. I drove home without taking him to the park because I am trying to get a message through to him. My question is, am I expecting too much from a child his age or is it ok to be trying to teach him what to do/what not to do when we're out? I am so confused about whether I'm being too hard on him and I felt bad about not taking him to the park, because I know he wanted to go. I'm already having problems with him at shopping centres because my parents (his grandparents) let him do whatever he wants to do when they take him shopping, and now I find that he's not as well-behaved as he used to be when I take him out with me. Help appreciated... thanks.

I 'lost' DS2 (22 months) in Ikea last week so I know how you feel. It was either let him run about or wheel him around screaming in the pushchair.

I think you did the right thing. Maybe you should have started with "If you're good and stay with mummy we'll go to the park" and kept reminding him of this when he ran off but I agree that not going to the park was 'right' (if there is such a thing!). Just explain to him why you didn't go - they do understand quite a lot at that age.

Can you have a word with your parents about controlling him better when they take him shopping? Diplomatically of course!! Mention safety (his and that of other shoppers) and how you're trying to teach him to behave and ask for their support.

DS1 was pretty much one of the angel children, holding hands but DS2 is a completely different child. Part of it is clearly character so you may not end up with one of the beautifully behaved hand-holders whatever you try. I'm not convinced DS2 is going to become an angel in that respect

Reins they're a godsend. When I actually remember to put them on that is sigh.

If I'm going somewhere busy or near a main road then I do put reins on ds (20mths) or keep him in the pushchair despite protest - I'm just too scared of the dangers. He didn't like the reins much at first but he did get used to them and although he still isn't thrilled he does get to walk around a bit more.

I agree - reins definitely worth a try. I put them on DS but then when we get to a road hold his hand as well so he gets used to that idea for crossing the road - also makes sure he crosses directly.

Bozza - at what age did your ds start crossing the road with you? It may sound like a stupid question but I always pick up my ds when we come to roads as my concern is that he'll just dawdle or trip over. He doesn't tend to walk huge distances at the moment on his own and is pretty slow (although runs around like a tearaway when "loose"!). I don't know if I should be trying to encourage proper road discipline on some quieter roads or just wait a bit until a time he's "ready" (whatever that might mean).

Thanks for your responses but I'm still not sure if I'm expecting too much by trying to teach him to stay with me all the time. And should I be scolding him when he doesn't do it? As you can tell I'm a bit uncertain about my own expectations and I don't want to be overly tough on him if he's still a bit too young. On the other hand I feel if I don't teach him, he might just run riot wherever we go!! Let's just say he has a lot of 'zeal', but I do want to try to keep him under control to a certain extent.

Maybe not scold, but remind him he has to stay with you or he goes back in the pushchair? Lots of praise when he does hold your hand even if only for a few seconds?

My ds is gradually learning that he'll have to hold my hand in the shopping centre if he wants to walk anywhere (unless I've remembered to bring the reins of course!) but still does depend very much on how co-operative he's feeling at the time, lol!

GeorginaA, we taught DS1 (nearly 4) "road safety" up at the Gypsy Moth car park. All those little zebra crossings and not many cars... it was perfect! He knows to stop at the edge, look for cars and wait for an adult to cross with him or tell him it's safe. DS2 (22 months) is learning too but is completely untrustworthy

DS1 was very good at holding my hand along busy roads and ALWAYS when we cross the road. He was happy with reins but refused point blank to use one of those toddler wrist straps when he out gre the reins. We settled for making sure he held onto the pushchair or a grown up's hand.

I agree with GeorginaA about the scolding - just reinforce what you said about holding hands and going to the park. I also read or heard some advice about "picking your battles". If there's not a good reason that your child has to be holding your hand, let them run free if they want to. EG I let DS2 run free in Children's Ikea but not the china department!! This also applies to whether it really matters if your chld goes out perfectly dressed or in shorts, wellies and a batman cape.

DS is 23 months and we have been walking to the mums and tots group and park for a couple of months. Both are fairly close and we live in a village (NB that does not mean the roads are quiet, of course). At first I used to carry him across the roads but now I hold his hand and the reins and if something does go wrong (he falls or kicks up a fuss) I grab him anyhow and get him to the edge. This hardly ever happens.

We live at the top of a cul-de-sac and it is very tempting to take a short cut across the road but I always make sure we walk right round the edges so DS understands the difference between roads and pavements.

Mum2boy, I don't think you're being too hard on your ds. These things have to be learnt sooner or later, so really, I think the issue is how you go about it rather than whether you do it at all. Different things work for different children, so maybe it's a case of trying ideas and seeing which ones get results? You might need to persist with an idea for a while before deciding it isn't working, as it can take a time for the message to sink in.

Depending how good your ds's understanding is, withdrawing a treat like going to the park may not be an immediate enough threat to make him think, whereas something like having to go in a buggy or wear reins could be a here-and-now result of running away. Personally, I liked to use reins, esp for my ds1 who had no concept of danger from traffic and would just step into the road with absolutely no warning. I also found that the mere knowledge I had a wrist strap in my handbag was enough to restrain my dd1!

It's very hard when you're not getting back up from gran & grandad, although very often children are extremely good at working out just what they can get away with, with different people! Maybe a jokey remark to them such as "I wish you'd let me run riot when I was that age." would make them think. Or if you decide to use a certain strategy, can you explain it to your parents, making it a request for their help?

Good luck - it is a frustrating stage!

Mum2boy, my ds was very similar to yours until one day I lost him in Homebase. They were some of the most horrible minutes of my life. After about 5 sweaty, heart-pounding minutes I found him and I have to say that after that incident I came down very hard on the running away thing. I told him that unless he stayed close to me, he would have to wear reins. Well, you can imagine how well that went down. When I put the reins on him (after he ran away again) he collapsed in a heap on the pavement and I had to drag him along in a very undignified way. However, I persisted with this tactic and it worked after a couple of goes.
Good luck

Soupdragon, that's a good idea about teaching road safety up at the Gypsy Moth, I might try that one next time I'm there!

Soupdragon, that's a good idea about teaching road safety up at the Gypsy Moth, I might try that one next time I'm there!

I made my twin ds's walk with me from an early age, as I could not wait to ditch the tandem buggy. They would not walk on reins(would just lie on the floor), and would just pull free of my hand and run off.
I just kept at it,so he gets the idea of walking with you, the punishment was a good idea.
If you have a park or some playing fields near by try walking him around there,then if he does run off, he will not be near the road, and you'll be able to see him and give chase.Mine are 4yo and will still do a runner sometimes.

I really shouldn't post on here because I am hopeless at teaching my son, aged 3 and a half, to walk with me. I would love to say that the running away thing is all down to a child's personality, but I can't. Last year ( when my ds was 2) he would run away from me, dawdle and resist reins while walking perfectly well with his childminder. Not that she found it eassy going but she managed to get him happily in reins or holding her hand in the end. I saw them together several time so I know she was telling me the truth. She gave me tips but I still couldn't get my ds to walk so obediently with me.

So, mum2boy, would it be any good asking your parents to adopt a strict approach, tell them it's just to see if your ds would take more notice of them rather than you? I think it would be good to tell them about the problem you are having and ask for their help.

Anyway, I resort to these methods when I am with my runaway - the times I have temporarily lost him are countless - firstly I hold him by the wrist not the hand when we are near traffic and crossing roads - he can't wriggle out of my grip.

If he is being really difficult I carry him. Yes, I am a pathetic soft touch, but at least I know he is safe and we are not having a tantrum. The smile of victory as he snuggles his face next to mine while being carried along some boring pavement fills me with mixed feelings - nice to have a cuddle but the weight is such a burden.

Also I tell him he must answer me immediately if I call for him, and I make no bones about shouting for him in public if he is out of my sight. He is not too bad at answering my calls but we have still had some hairy moments.

As for road awareness, I have found that with both of my sons this increases very rapidy from age 2 and a half onwards. Even though my toddler is just three and a half, with every week I feel more sure that he knows to stay on the pavement. I reinforce this positive message lots - rather than telling him what not to do all the time, ie don't go on the road, I tell him what he must do ie stay on the pavement.

Shopping with him is a nightmare - he runs off all the time. I try and put him in a creche if there is one, but this is not always possible. Otherwise I try and limit the shopping trips. Or give him a bag of sweets to take his mind of running away - better a sweetie eating toddler than a lost one.

Not much help, but lots of sympathy!

Thank you very much for your replies. Bugsy I got a laugh out of your post, as I can imagine my ds doing exactly the same thing!!

Perhaps I need to invest in a pair of reins, even if I don't end up actually using them they might come in handy as a threat if he does the wrong thing. I'm glad I'm not the only one who is experiencing this, it is very frustrating but I'm hoping he will improve greatly with age. Fingers crossed anyway - apparently my brother was like this until he was about 5 or 6.

mum2boy, I used to get this too when ds was younger. I do think it's important to teach them not to leg it, I remember various scary moments when ds ran like the wind and they're SO surprisingly fast sometimes aren't they? (or maybe I'm incredibly slow - it's possible I got reins too and he hated them but once I used them a few times the mere threat of them worked thereafter and he stayed close. Agree with tigermoth about holding by the wrist too - feels mean but you do have a much firmer grip when it's important. Good luck with this!

mum2boy, just a quick extra tip to keep your ds walking safely beside you:

My ds is tall enough for me to lightly hold onto his collar or hood at the back, so I have some control over him while he is walking along. He seems to like this more than reins. It definitely helps him walk by my side some of the time at least.

HTH

Hi mum2boy, and everyone else,

This is a very knotty problem, I have a very strong, willful 3 1/2 ds, who is reluctant to stay by my side, and takes delight in doing a runner when we are shopping, particularly city centre !! As I am disabled (so he can run faster than me !!), and petite (so I can't carry him) he has had to be taught some rules, and fast.
Firstly I would say use reins every time. ds doesnt fit his now with his big coat on, but if I drive to the big shopping mall which is all indoors then he wears reins and no coat. If he refuses to wear them then we don't go shopping (and he does love looking round the shops, but see point 4).
second always have a pushchair with you. If he becomes impossaible to control make him sit in it, and feed him or give him a comic/argos catalogue or something to occupy him.
Third keep shopping trips as short as possible. I found that ds and I got worn out with the stress of keeping him with me. I only take him to the city if he nededs shoes or I HAVE to go (such as forgotten birthday present for sister in law ). If I want to browse, then I find a day when my mother, or friend can have him (very few and far between, mother 130 miles away, friend much too busy with own life. Husband happy, cos I spend nothing on myself )

Fourthly, always make sure ds gets a little treat for behaving (and be gentle, mine always gets his treat unless he is REALLY EVIL). find a shop that sells cheapy toys (even elc do pocket money toys) or try a comic.

Finally I never try to go to town if ds has woken up feeling unco-operative. I did once take him to our local soft-play centre for 2 hrs first, so he slept in his pushchair round town. worth trying if you're desperate.

BTW he is learning, and complains and tries less to run away than he did, so hopefully it gets better with time ?

lol

Easy - unless your 3 and a half year old is very big for his age this harness might be big enough to be worn over a coat.

Thanks GillW

will order one and give it a try. Just one thing, does it fasten at the front? If so ds will get himself out (devious as well as willful) !