Letting go...

[Gwynie]

This is about my behaviour, actually.

DS is 17 mths and I have started to take him to toddler groups.

However, I find myself unconsciously taking him to play in the quietest area of the play room or following him around everywhere to make sure he's ok.

This is partly because I am scared he will get hurt and partly because when he does get into conflict with another toddler, I am afraid that if he hits them, the parents will come down on me like a ton of bricks.

I am quite sensible and know that if he gets into a fight with another toddler it is more than likely just normal toddler behaviour and no real harm done. But I can't guarantee what the other parents will think.

I am also aware that keeping him seperate could be perceived as snobbery but also doing this will not equip him properly for conflict with other children.

Any ideas?

Thanks

Gwynie, Please don't worry about what other parents will think, after all they've got toddlers too, who have probably done there own fair share of hitting and shouting!! We all know toddlers do this sometimes and short of tieing them up there's not much we can do about it Do you know anyone with a child the same age so you can go together? At least with someone to chat to it might take your mind off it a bit. If not, if your ds is playing alongside another child then try and strike up a conversation with another mother, as we all know, when you've got kids there is always something to talk about.

I hope this doesn't sound condesending, it's not meant to, just try to relax, and I'm sure things will improve.

Hi Gwynie, you sound a bit like me (my dd now 18 months) but I guess this is the sort of transition stage when they really do go from being babies to "proper toddlers". My Auntie who is dd's childminder said to me yesterday when we arrived, that she looked like a little girl in her pretty dress and not a baby anymore. I laughed and said she would always be my baby, but she won't will she
Sorry, this isn't meant to sound like you are overprotecting your ds, but I do know exactly how you feel.

I'm like you in the fact that I always have one eye on my ds. He always scoots off to the area where he can get into most trouble! I think that you need to try to make yourself sit somewhere and let your ds play with the others. As long as you can see him, there is no problem. You can then use that time to chat to the other mothers and make some friends.

On the hitting front, don't worry. They all do it, and he will probably get hit too! It is all part of growing up, and the other mothers won't think any less of you or your ds if you just whisk him away from that child and tell him firmly not to hit. He is too young at the moment to take any notice, but at least the other mothers will see that you are trying to 'control' your ds. I am always saying sorry for my ds taking other children's toys and biscuits! All the mums at my group are pretty cool about things like that, and anyway, their children all do it too!

I think you need to chill a bit, take a deep breath, and let your ds enjoy himself. This is not a criticism, as if you spoke to my mum, she would say, 'Well, she's a fine one to talk, she is just as bad'!!

Melly - of course she's always be your baby! Everytime me and my two sisters get together with my mum, she ALWAYS says - "oooh - I Love having my babies around me" and we're 32, 30, and 23!!!

I have never minded her referring to us as her "babies" and my nearest sister and I understand it all the more now we're both parents! Bless...

Gwynie - you do what is best for you and your child! When your used to the group and your DS knows a few littluns better, you'll probably feel better about it... Talk to the other mums there (esp. new arrivals) - You'll probably find you're all feeling the same anxieties!

Thanks for your replies. The thing is, I do chat to the other mums etc. I'm really very friendly (honest).

I think that really I don't want to come across a situation where I may have to tick off someone elses child (for doing something wrong to my child), so I avoid letting him play for too long with the others.

Thing is, he goes with his 3yr old cousin so he follows everything he does and ends up playing with older kids, so the potential for confrontation maybe greater.

How have you all dealt with having to tick off someone elses child if they, let say, push or hit your child for no reason? Had any negative experiences?

Gwynie I haven't had too much trouble so far with other kids giving my ds a hard time, although on occasion they have taken a toy away from him or pushed him away, that kind of thing. I really think that unless someone is getting hurt, you have to basically leave them to it. Kids will always push the boundaries a bit with other children, but it's all part of the learning process. On the other hand, if a child is beginning to show aggression toward your child or you think that the situation may get out of hand, firstly I would HOPE that the other child's mother would step in and do something (which she absolutely should) - otherwise you are perfectly within your rights to intervene. When it comes to small altercations between children, though, I don't think there's a lot you can do about it - they will figure it out for themselves over time.

Hi Gwynie, agree that it's hard. Personally I have never told someone else's child off simply because I would not expect them to tell mine off. I would feel very uncomfortable with either situation !

On the rare occasions my dd has been hit or had something snatched off her I have just picked her up and explained to her that it's rude to snatch and naughty to hit and just because "x" hit you doesn't mean you hit back etc.. Usually "x's" mum arrives pretty quick and does the telling off of "x".

I would be extremely wary about telling someone else's child off - although I have gently said "That's not very nice is it ? We don't hit our friends" addressed to both of them equally - I don't see that as telling off and I would certainly never say "naughty" or shout at someone else's child - and I've seen that done !

Gwynnie, your ds is tiny but he is a separate person and I agree that you should let them sort out their own little squabbles and confrontations as much as possible unless of course, there is a real prospect of harm - eg a child trying to push another off the top of the slide. My ds is a gentle child so has his toys taken much more often than the reverse (and has the odd swipe taken at him), but I very, very rarely rush in to 'sort things out'. If he was very upset, I'd perhaps offer him another toy or a cuddle and if he hit another child, which he hasn't done yet, I'd take him away from the situation. I find other mothers very quick to grab their child if any actually hitting is going on, so I don't think it is appropriate to tell other kids off. I really think you worry far too much about other parents and what you imagine they will think or do. For example, I have never seen one parent attack another for what their toddler has done. After all, they aren't pets or robots and we don't, can't and IMO shouldn't control them completely. I think you should try to relax a bit and see what happens. You may be pleasantly surprised!

Tx again.

I took him to the local library yesterday and took on board all comments made here and let him roam.

He loved it a dn I was surprisingly relaxed.

Maybe I'm chilling out after all!

Good news! I think that the others are right in that the mothers of the other child usually intervene and tell their child off. I am always apologising for ds taking things from their children, but, as I said, it is accepted that all children do it!