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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

3.6yo DS trashes his room EVERY morning- what can i do??

32 replies

glaskham · 08/07/2008 11:01

today has been awful so far so please forgive me if i go on, miss punctuation etc as i need to just get this all out!!

This morning got up at 7.30am, went into the kids bedroom and DS had trashed their room again!! This has happened for the last month or so, every morning. So i spent half an hour hoovering their floor (he rips anything he can find up into tiny pieces all over the floor, beds etc) putting their curtains back up, putting clothes back into their wardrobes and generally tidying up.

I'm at my wits end!! I was so close to walking out this morning as me and DH are so stressed having to deal with this every morning that we are snapping at each other, argueing because of it or argueing about how to deal with it.

We've tried giving rewards for not messing his room with no change. We've tried punishments like no tv, no night light, no toys with no change....

Someone please tell me this is a phase and he'll be out of it soon!!

I spent 2hrs in tears because i felt so negative towards him this mornign and just wanted to walk out and clear my head, maybe not even come back till they were in bed!! But DH had to work and i couldn't instead my poor sister has taken the day off college to take him off my hands for a bit!!

What else can i do? Anyone else having to deal with behaviour like this? Has anyone come out the other side?

Please help me before i have a break-down!!!

OP posts:

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FrannyandZooey · 08/07/2008 11:04

what time does he get up? is he left unsupervised for a long period of time?

I don't know many people who get to leave their 3 y o in their room until 7.30 am, tbh

I think you may have to change your morning routine and get up when he does

TrinityRhino · 08/07/2008 11:07

you have to get up as soon as he opens his eyes

3 yr olds cant be left to their own decides in the morning imo

Original poster

glaskham · 08/07/2008 11:10

i get up as soon as i hear a noise from them already, he's always slept later than average, obviously he's waking up earlier than i get up with him, but I've woken him up in the past at 7am only to have dreadful behaviour through the day because he was woken instead of waking naturally- i cant win either way!!

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TrinityRhino · 08/07/2008 11:11

so you have to get up earlier than him and keep peeping in until you see him awake and then start the day

FrannyandZooey · 08/07/2008 11:12

use a baby monitor to listen in, and make sure you wake up when he does
he obviously can't be left unattended atm

Twiglett · 08/07/2008 11:12

do you make him help tidy it up?
although I can see with a tantrumming 3 year old that might be impossible

Honestly I think I'd consider leaving it - if it's trashed it's trashed .. let him learn consequences of his actions .. throw away anything broken but leave most of it and see where that gets you for a week... keep trying to get him to help you tidy it up but refuse to do it alone

MaryAnnSingleton · 08/07/2008 11:14

leave his trashed room trashed so he can't find anything and has to put up with no bedding on his bed,torn stuff,curtains down - he might think it's not such a good idea

Original poster

glaskham · 08/07/2008 11:16

I tidy it with him because otherwise he'd never do it!! Yesterday DH spent nearly 90mins in their cleaning, tidying etc, DS went up on his own accord (sp?) and helped, then when he was put to bed, as we closed the door we heard him say to DD 'we've got to keep our room tidy now so we can get some tv time back' but then this morning he was doing it again!!

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Original poster

glaskham · 08/07/2008 11:18

He shares his room with 2yo dd too, so no curtains isn't really an option as she'll have to suffer because of it, and then they'd not be able to get to sleep.

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mishymoo · 08/07/2008 11:18

My DS throws things around when in the midst of a strop, I ask him once to pick it up, if he doesn't, I tell him I will throw whatever it is in the bin - it seems to do the trick.

Have you tried removing all his stuff from his room when he trashes it (if he won't help you pick it up)? Maybe the threat of you throwing it all away may get him to stop but you do need to follow through! I guess it would depend on how much stuff he has in his room!

MaryAnnSingleton · 08/07/2008 11:18

I really do think you need to leave the room in a state - he knows you'll give in and clear it up and will never learn...grit your teeth and brave it ( I'm a bit obsessive about cleaning/tidying and it would bother the hell out of me but I think it requires stern action !)

GooseyLoosey · 08/07/2008 11:19

Agree, if its broken, bin it. Leave curtains down (unless this is a problem for another child). If he shares the room, push all the mess around his side.

FrannyandZooey · 08/07/2008 11:20

I personally think he is slightly too young to live with rather drastic consequences when more supervision has been required

he shouldn't be being left to his own devices IMO, as he has shown he isn't mature enough for it

I think you have to take some of the responsibility here

MamaG · 08/07/2008 11:20

I agree that you need a baby monitor so that you can rush into the room the MINUTE he opens his eyes (althoguh how you can sleep through him trashing a room is beyond me!)

Maybe you could get up earlier (7am?) and go downstairs, get dressed, make breakfast etc and have the monitor down there so you're fresh when he DOES wake up - taht way you won't be waking him up before he's ready

Original poster

glaskham · 08/07/2008 11:21

They have a very large room and therefore lots of room to mess... DH said about taking everything out of their rooms, clothes out of the wardrobes and all, but I just cant see where we will keep it all while we try and teach him!!

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Twiglett · 08/07/2008 11:22

I think he needs to learn actions have consequences, and it is never too early to start that .. very well put up the curtains but move the trash to his side, bin anything that is destroyed and don't clean it unless he is cleaning it .. your supporting role will be in encouraging him to clean it and keep it clean

maybe consider getting him a bean bag as a punching tool to mess around with in the morning

MamaG · 08/07/2008 11:23

Glaskham - the key, imo, really is as simple as more supervision.

He can not be trusted on his own.

You (or DH) have to get up with him and don't give him the opportunity to do it.

The punishments you've given haven't worked: he's too young.

MaryAnnSingleton · 08/07/2008 11:23

if he breaks his own stuff then don't replace it

hattyyellow · 08/07/2008 11:26

Our girls (just 3) tend to do this every morning. We took their chest of drawers out of their room (as they were throwing all their clothes down the stairs) and they now just have their beds, curtains, a couple of soft toy storage boxes and some books.

I don't think they do it maliciously. They just enjoy making big piles of things and jumping on them.

So the trashing tends to be minimal. They are quite happy playing for 20 minutes or so in the morning whilst we doze - we are next door so can hear if they are upset or in distress so I don't mind leaving them until 7am or so before we go in..

They tend to pull their duvets and pillows off the bed and strip them, make big piles of their books etc. Because the stuff in there is minimal the clearing up is minimal.

They ripped up a book once and we shut their books in the cupboard for the rest of the day and explained that it had made us sad that they had ripped up the book and could they promise they wouldn't do it again as we missed reading stories with them.

Could you remove stuff from his room/lock his wardrobe door with a baby safety lock etc?

VictorianSqualor · 08/07/2008 11:28

DS1 did exactly the same, except for his curtains and bed.
He has three toy chests which he will tip all over the floor. One of which is full of lego.
He rips his books, stuffing out of teddys etc.
If he messes it he has to stay in there til it's tidy. I don't have the time to watch every move he makes when I also have a new baby. I also don't have the time to tidy it myself.
Since he got the tough treatment i.e you tidy it or don't come play downstairs with mummy, and if it's broke it's binned, he hasn't been anywhere near as destructive and has started tidying it up.
Now I just say 'is your room tidy' and he'll check and tidy it (to a 3 1/2yr olds standards, not mine, but I have no problem spending ten minutes sorting it out if he has tried.)

Original poster

glaskham · 08/07/2008 11:29

Yeah.... i can see that everything that has been said is great advice... with him sharing a room still means there are a few more complications, i think i'll be removing anything i possibly can fit in my room and then put a beanbag or something in there for him, will set an alarm to wake me up at 6.30 or something and then maybe bring him down so dd can still have the extra sleep she needs (she is normally still asleep at 7.30am)

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LazyLinePainterJane · 08/07/2008 11:34

Pick it up or there will be no playgroup/sweets/outing to the park etc etc...

But you HAVE to stick to it.

Original poster

glaskham · 08/07/2008 11:38

LLPJ- i've tried that one- we've not done anything exept a walk each day to nursery and back because of his behaviour for the last month. I'm going a bit stir crazy being stuck in because of him!!

OP posts:

Original poster

glaskham · 08/07/2008 11:41

and as for the mess, he'll rip pages out of books and tear every single bit into tiny pieces (i'm pretty sure this is a phase as he's doing it with pictures after he's done them too) and pull duvet out of the covers, sheets off the bed, clothes are being pulled out of the wardrobe (he has a couple of tubs in the bottom of it with things that dont get hung and he empties these) and also empties his underwear drawers from his bedside cabinet, so most of it can and is done silently...

OP posts:

VictorianSqualor · 08/07/2008 11:46

Same here glaskham, I've been woken up by the sound of the lego box being tipped over at 6am and gone into his room ready to cry it has been that messy!

I don't think getting up earlier is necessarily the right move. What if he wakes earlier? He may then trash his room and it will be a constant worry that he is awake before you.
He needs to be able to understand that he shouldn't do what he is doing.

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