Can't Cope anymore - Please help

[emmywoo]

My dd is 20mo. Over the last 1.5 months she has become a nightmare. If I am around she constantly wants picking up, as soon as I put her down she screams, throws herself on the floor and in inconsolable. She used to go to bed at 8pm, i could put her in her cot awake and be fine. She now flatly refuses to go in cot, she has to lie on our bed and once she is asleep we then put her in her cot and she sleeps through. Problem now is that she never falls asleep until 9.30ish. If I say no to her about something we have another tantrum, it is really starting to get to me and I now dread going home after work, please help need some advice before I end up going mad.

as someone who's ds is a bit of a nightmare sleeper i can sympathise... sleep issues seem to come in phases so i'd just try and ride it out. the fact that she eventually sleeps through the night is fab as far as i'm concerned.

the larger issue of being clingy and needing you to fall asleep makes me wonder if she's unhappy about something and trying to get your attention? ...or she just wants her mum? doesn't seem that strange.

can dad/partner help pick up a few evening bedtimes to take the heat off? sounds like you need a large glass of wine in front the telly...

Does she sleep in the day? Maybe she doesn't need to.

Also, 20 months is old enough to understand certain things, like cot is her bed and your bed is mummy's and daddy's. She is now a big girl and her doggie/teddy/etc will hug her as she sleeps. And because she is a big girl, she can have a chocolate M&M before brushing her teeth and going to sleep in her cot. (Or whatever reward you think will work. Mine is a chocolate girl and doesn't care for star charts at all)

oh dear, you poor thing, you won't go mad, just a bit spare, IME! so i think you've described that you come home from work and needs extra 'you' time plus tries out all her nearly 2 year old boundary testing? i'd say you are going to have to throw yourself into it for several weeks til she works her way through it...it will be tough but it will pass! during my eldest ones phase of this i woudl gather endless ideas to engage and play with him and always tell him what was coming up next. You know'after your tea you can watch tv for 2 programs after this program you can go upstairs and play on the big bed, after this bouncing game you must get naked for your bath' and on and on. Also constantly having new little things to catch his attention like a diff book, and new episode of pocoyo taped a new pair of my shoes to try on, you know. So i always felt i had something left to try and felt less desperate myself. maybe make her own bed more enticing by having a fave toy only in bed? i've always encourage mine to go to bed awake and settle themselves with games, loking at books before sleeping.

But behind all that positive stuff I just resigned myself to the fact he had to learn no and would have tantrums and told myself life would be hell (so I had low hopes, and then it wasn't as bad as all that in the end). After a while the tantrums just broke around me like waves and didn't much bother me, as I really firmly believed he needed to have them to learn how to live with no and boundaries and orders. Once i got to this stage, I never lost my rag back and they ended faster and faster, then they got fewer and fewer and now he turned three yesterday we get only 2-3 a week. He has learnt from me/us how to manage himself and as he's older he can now say 'i'm going to watch tv before bath' and he can also say i'm angry and talk a bit about it rather than just kick off.

it is a long hard slog, but i think if you say to yourself it is and then tackle it like another long hard slog (WHICH COMES RIGHT IN THE END!) you will have less of a pit in your stomach when you come home. or at least go mad with grace and dignity

It will pass. She'll grow out of it.
Rather than lying on your bed, would she fall asleep on the settee and then you could carry her up? Would that be better for you?
If picking her up is a problem for you could you hold her hand and let her go with you wherever you go most times?
And just keep repeating to yourself that it will pass.

Separation anxiety? IME the best way to deal with it is to go with it for a while and it passes. If it is that and you fight it, it will get worse. Is she at all able to verbalise? Does she undertand you clearly? with ds tantrums dissipated a bit if I asked him what was wrong and had a guess "are you cross because I won't let you hit the tv with a brick?" if he thought I understood he seemed to calm a bit, but he did go through a mummy-related separation anxiety phase at around this age. We got through it by carrying him everywhere (sling helped!), cosleeping, letting him go to sleep on our bed, lots of mummy time etc. It does pass!

agree with all this good advice!

DS had a long phase of not wanting to be seperated at bedtime, he just could not settle alone. We could have fought it but he is a VERY determined child and I didn't want weeks or months of him and us being miserable. I thought it was perfectly understandable really that this tiny person needed some company at bedtime, even though it is very invasive on your evening if they don't drop off till late.

What we did was sit in with him while he dropped off, after milk and stories etc, but he knew it was ONLY while he dropped off, if he played or tried to get up he knew I would go. I used to take a book in and read that!

Also DH and I took turns so that often we felt we had an evening 'off' rather than one person always doing it.

Agree with going 'with' the clinginess as far as you can, fighting it makes the phase last longer IMO.

Hi
Thanks for all your advice. I also think that because she is going to sleep so late she is really tired in the day and that doesn't help with the tantrums. I just wish she would go to bed at around 8ish. She has a lunchtime sleep for about an hour to hour and a half. How do any of your discipline yours, do you use the naughty step etc. She is not talking yet, her favourite word surprisingly is NO!!!!! I have been advised to ignore the tantrums so she will realise that if she throws a tantrum she doesn't get any fuss but when she is sobbing her heart out it breaks mine and I know it is bad but anything for an easy life.

IMO she's way too young for formal 'discipline' or naughty steps. At this age with ds I used distraction - if he was doing something he shouldn't, I explained in one or two words why not eg "No - too hot" and gave him something else to do. Consequences need to be immediate, and related, eg if she's throwing a toy at the cat, put the cat out or put the toy away.

But distraction is the key IMO. Remember alot of what seems naughty to us may not look at all the same through the eyes of a 20m old. Shaking stuff and seeing it glitter as it falls - fantastic! She doesn't realise it'll be a problem that it's gone all over the carpet and you'll be hoovering for a week, etc etc etc.

I wonder if it's worth cutting out the daytime sleep and putting her to bed earlier in the evening? Do you think that would help?

emmy, just posted early time out stuff another thread, may help (hello honoria!). distraction is ther best (see my earlier post re: endless stuff lined up!
here's what i posted on other thread, worked from about 24 months for my very verbal so able to understand ds1:

'when they are so little, i time out by going to eye level saying in best i'm in charge voice 'you may not do XXX', move child to out of way spot, eye level again 'stay here and think a minute', move away. (if tantrum ratchets up), go back to eye level 'when you're done crying/kicking/screaming/banging floor we'll sort it out' and get on with life a bit. Go back, if still really in thick of it, or worse, 'shall i help you calm down now?' (we do a hug and breathe slow like mummy). If getting over it on own, say 'well done calming down, come and do YYY with us' when really calm, briefly go over what happened, bigging up that they thought it out themselves. Soon as all done move on to something new, forget about it all.

learnt with acting out adults when i was a psychiatric nurse!
'

Hi there, my 18 month ols son has turned into a bit of a nightmare sleeper, he is like me in that he takes at least an hour in bed to unwind! Lately he has been v odd though(i have my own thread for that)

Since she likes sleeping in your bed, maybe she thinks its a big girls bed??maybe convert her cot to a bed now? just a suggestion!

As for the clingyness, no idea, ds has days where he is like that and days when he wants everyone BUT me, so I savour the days when I am his fave, it wont last forever

hi merry fancy meeting you on another behaviour thread!

Agree with others, is it really so bad to give her hugs at bedtime if that's what she really needs? or when she's really genuinely upset and the tantrum has passed? It won't spoil her, honest

hey I totally agree with all this my little angel!! was like this with the tantrums and bed. I changed her cotbed to the bed and made sure she had lots of mummy time b4 bed. She would get out, get upset and I would just take her back time and time again til she gave in givin no fuss and just saying sleep time. After bout a week max she got the message if I behave I get lots of attention b4 bed but if I play up mummy ignores me. They soon figure out bad behaviour gets u no where. I applied same to tantrums, ignore wait til it passes and then ask why they got upset "was it because of XXXX" then give big cuddles and congratulate her on calming down and ina short explanation explain why you said no. It does take a while but it is hard when you cant have/do everything you want when your little.

I recently lost my mum very suddenly and we were extremly close so I feel that my right arm has been chopped off so I think that I am already uptight and stressed and when she has her tantrums and won't do as I ask it just seems to get on top of me. I am definatly going to get a toddler bed and see how that goes. I think I will also try and ignore tantrums and do whtat mummc2 and merryberry advised. Thanks for all answers, you have been a great help. I will write again tomorrow and let you know how tonight went.

I'm so sorry emmy about your mum. My mum too is my best friend so I can imagine how you must feel.

Don't expect too much of yourself or your dd at the moment - survival, getting through the day is all we can look for sometimes and I think this is one of those times. Good luck.

emmywoo very sorry about your mum.

Emmywoo, so sorry about your mum. My dd2 was an absolute 'angel baby' up to 18 months and then the tantrums started and she developed A WILL! It got so bad a couple of months ago (at 2.2) that I posted here about her tantrums where she would even put her hand down her throat to make herself vomit! I had great advice,( basically to ignore the tantrum, stay calm, no anger, no reaction, just lots of loving attention afterwards when she has calmed down) and now she has less than one tantrum a week, and no more vomitting!

I have to add though that she also has not had a cold in 2 months, which I believe has helped immensely. Her sleep has also returned to normal. There is a little voice in me that wonders how much we really know about little toddlers and what they go through. Perhaps they are having constant aching growing pains. Perhaps the molars cause mild aching for months and months. Who knows, but there may be more to their clingy and screaming behaviour than we know! I am probably just trying to convince myself .

I wish you patience and peace for the next few days and weeks. x

Emmywoo so sorry to hear about your mum. It seems likely that some of your dds behaviour may be a response to seeing her mummy so upset/ behaving differently becasue of your awful loss. She may well be missing her granny too- I don't know your circumstances. But I would recommend being gentle with the clinginess and going with it which will be difficult particularly when you will need a lot of support and sympathy yourself. Try to find time to look after yourself too and let dh/p take some of the burden.