Help? Attitude/ hormones making my dd1's behaviour awful, it's getting to me now, what can I do?

[LoveMyGirls]

Dd1 is almost 9 and the way she constantly snaps at us all is beginning to really wear me down now.

Don't know what to do?

I've always sent her to bed early after 3 warnings, we've tried taking things off her ages ago, the sending to bed early does work some of the time but it's constant and if i send her to bed early everytime she would be in bed by 7pm everyday! My mum says sending her to bed early probably makes her feel as if i'm pushing her away and makes her worse.

I'm at my wits end with her tbh. I just want her to behave, which she can do if she thinks you're going to buy her something but that just makes me really sad because it proves she can do it when she wants to.

I'm wondering if it's my parenting or if it's her age/ hormones and she will grow out of it?

Meant to say lately we've said if her behaviour is good enough we'll allow her to stay up until 8pm and if it isn't she will go to bed at her normal time which is 7.30, only if she's really bad will we send her at 7pm. She understands this perfectly.

This mornings outburst was because her dad sent her up to get dressed and I hadn't heard him say that so I walked into the room I said go and get ready so you're ready for breakfast (I said it nicely) she had a huff and started shouting at us that she was hungry and wanted breakfast right now I said I havent started making it yet so it will be ready by the time you're dressed her dad said go and do as you're told (then she stormed off to get ready) Everything is a battle and i'm so fed up. It's her birthday in 3 weeks and I don't feel like making an effort (have already brought tickets to take her to see girls aloud and booked a camping holiday for her birthday week) I feel like as soon as she see's the tickets she will moan and say she wanted to see sugababes instead or something.

I know we're in a cycle now of her behaving badly and me expecting it. I need to sort it out but I'm stuck.

try to ride it out as much as possible, stay as consistant as you can, and make sure that if you issue any threats, that they are ones you are willing to, and will, carry out. Ie, if you threaten bed, do it, if you threaten stopping her out-of-school activities, do it, and so on.

if you give warnings, stick to them.

and then, once warnings and punishments are carried out, carry on as before.....

you will have a trying time, and from my own experiance with my own girls, you will find this is a lot hormonal and a lot her own frustrations as she really does not understand why she feels lke this.

think of it if you will of your own feelings and behaviours during PMT (if you suffer it).....it makes things slightly more understandable and managable.

my DD1 was a brat from ages 9-11yrs.......I truly did not enjoy that time with her.....she then calmed down, I stuck as consistant as poss, I even wrote her letters telling her how much we loved her but that we were finding a 9yo/10yo/11yo as hard as she was as we were learning how to raise her as much as she was learning how to be that age!

she is now 14, she is lovely again (she has been from 12 in fact), yes we still have arguements, yes we still have some probs, but and arguements now occur while we BOTH have PMT!!!

I am now going thro it all tho with her two sisters.....(one is 12, t'other 9!!). I often liken it to them being cloned by aliens.....

it is hard, and it IS wearing, but it is all just another phase in parenting and childhood, and one you will get thro.

my advice, and one that carried me thro..
KEEP A GOOD SENSE OF HUMOUR, AND A WELL STOCK WINE RACK!!!!

I'm a childminder so you would think i'm good at handling children and I am just not my own eldest dd the rest are easy but she is so much hard work, nothing is good enough, she's so angry with me and hates me and I havent done anything to deserve it. I'm wondering how on earth I'm going to cope with her through the hols when I'll have 6 to 7 dc's on some days I've thought about sending her to a play scheme for the odd day or to her grandads but I don't want her to feel i'm pushing her away but I really can't take her behaviour when I've got others who are well behaved that need my attetnion. Maybe I'm expecting too much, expecting her to be the best behaved because she is mine and she knows how I expect her to behave, she's one of the oldest as well so I don't expect her to be naughty like the little ones.

It's definitely hormones, and I think you're right to be worried about pushing her away. Sometimes with DS1 (16) I feel that all I'm doing is shouting or nagging, and never saying anything pleasant!

Can you take some time out for the two of you to spend together? A bit of girlie shopping for example? Try and do something that you will both enjoy and where you can just be the two of you again.

And agree with others - ignore, ignore, ignore.

I've spoken to someone at toddler group today and she says her dd who is almost the same age as dd1 and doesn't behave like this, she also said her dd gets herself ready and walks herself to school etc (I'm not suggesting making dd1 walk to school on her own would help) but I think maybe giving her some responsibilty for herself might help, you know the saying treat like a baby act like a baby etc

So I'm willing to accept I may be babying her and she is rebelling against that and maybe I should let her do more for herself...................BUT HOW do i let go, should i let go, what should i expect her to do herself at this age?

She already.....

gets herself ready (with the odd few nudges from me or dp)
makes her own lunch (if she wants sandwiches)
is responsible for keeping her room tidy
is allowed to play out the front on her bike (we live in a cul de sac)
goes to brownies to do an activity outside school that i'm not involved in.

erm can't think of anything else.

I take her and pick her up from right by her classroom (she thinks this is babyish but i'm worried about something happening to her) she won't let me give her a kiss in public anymore

I feel i should add, i'm the first in my group of friends to have a child as old as dd1 and i'm constantly on a learning curve with how to handle her behaviour.

I am not the expert like others on here as don't have a girl this age BUT thinking on how my mum was with me....

things like the getting dressed before breakfast thing; I think maybe that's the sort of area you could possibly give a little on...as in don't TELL her when to get dressed. I think my mum would have let me mooch around and lean on the worktops while she got breakfast ready and chatted to me while she did it. She would have let me get ready afterwards I think...if that's what I wanted....

Also, I do KNOW this is really hard but could she walk to school alone, or could you just go to the school gates at least? If a child is clearly telling you they feel they're being treated like a baby then it's time to listen to them I say. I walked to school alone by 9. And alot of the junior kids round here are walking by that age.

So maybe there are some areas you could give a little on?

Theres no way dp would agree to her walking to school alone even if I was keen on the idea but walking from the car park down the road maybe an option.

As for the getting ready after breakfast I could give it a try I guess. (feeding 3 or 4 children at the same time is a lot easier for me than letting each one choose when they want to eat though. Maybe I could do breakfast for the little ones and she can make her own when she's ready? (but then i'd worry she gets jelous I do things for them and not her, don't want her to feel left out)

When I think back to being this age my mum had just had my little brother and I walked to school but my sister usually walked with me and it was in the next street (dd1's school is about 20min walk) I wasn't cheeky at that age, I was really helpful I loved cleaning, sometimes I was too helpful for eg I'd wake my brother so I could play with him I'm not suprised my mum used to get cross with me over that now i've got my own dd's I can appreciate sometimes it takes a while to get a baby to sleep and once they've had 10 mins they won't go back off and are very grumpy!

Things were different back then though so we had a lot of freedom, these days if dd1 does go out to play I'm up and down every 5 mins watching she's still out there and worrying!

Agree with Honoria, can't she eat breakfast in her PJs ? or were you in a hurry for school?

I have a dd almost 9 too, she is crying out for control over her own life, but still needs me so much. I can see why it's a very frustrating age.

I have a 9-year-old ds who can also be really challenging. I agree with other posters who emphasize the importance of her feeling she has more control and independence as she grows up. Does she help with the little ones eg could she help get their breakfast for them or assist in some other way eg helping them get dressed? Giving children responsibility like this can really help them mature. I also agree that you should consider letting her walk at least part of the way to school. Does she have a friend who lives nearby with whom she could walk? I'm also surprised that she has such an early bedtime (although I don't know how early she has to get up) and wonder if she finds this a bit babyish.