Birthday party refuser... Embarrased mother... How would you have handled this situation? long ish

[mrspink27]

DD will be 4 in August and is due to start in reception in Sept. She was invited to a party of a child currently in her nursery class who will also be in reception. Other children from nursery were also invited but dd doesnt know them that well. Anyway party has been much anticipated and dd was happy to choose a gift, help write the card etc and off we trolleyed today to the party. Not our first bday party I hasten to add.

On arrival the mother of the birthday child welcomed us and asked dd whether she would like to choose a dressing up outfit - ( the theme of the party was fairytale characters - a lot of princesses actually!) at which point DD transformed into crying limpet which is a bit out of character. In her defence, we had barely walked through the door when she was asked to dress up and there was a bit of a scrum for the costumes. So we went and sat at the side of the hall and I chatted to DD and another parent for 5 mins or so. Calmed DD down and managed to get her to come with me and choose a dress... but she wouldnt put it it on (everyone else dressed up by this point) and didnt want to join in the first game. Eventually managed to get her to come with me and join in the lucky dip type game, but as soon as she had her turn wanted to go and sit back down sobbing. Next game was kiss the frog (variation on pin the tail on the donkey) and as she was desperate to win a prize I suggested she might like to join in (I am becoming slightly exasperated by this point.) She wouldnt go 10 ft away to the game, so I went with her but as soon as it was her turn to be blindfolded she collapsed into a teary heap again - she was very over whelmed I think. After an hour of cajoling, ignoring, positive encouragement, saying let's go home then etc etc tea was served and dd refused to sit down at the place set for her (although I know she wanted to) so I suggested we leave, and she sobbed even more and started muttering about her party bag. I said that she couldnt have a party bag unless she had joined in which set her off even more. I was almost at the end of my tether by this point - I think a bit out of selfish annoyance that I couldnt have a 5min chat to some other mums and a cuppa, some embarrasment that dd wasnt joining in and I felt was spoiling it by crying etc for the bday child and the mother who was bending over backwards to be nice and friendly and get her to join in, even bringing her a sneaky chocolate finger and party ring to cheer her up and that I felt in her own small way that she was being quite rude and ungrateful (although I appreciate that sounds harsh in hindsight).

Bday child's father then insisted very kindly that we take our blasted beautiful party bag and the mother gave dd 2 of the lovely cupcakes. I was full of apologies and we left. When we got home DD took one look at DH, burst into tears again and took herself off to her bedroom unprompted for 30 minutes. She isnt unwell or overtired AFAIK. Felt like a very torturous experience which lasted hours, in fact we lasted 55 minutes. She also did say at some point in the proceedings that she now doesnt want to have a birthday party of her own! AAAAAAAAAGH!!!!! But I think that was just in a bid to wind me up even more! We'll tackle that one at a later date I think. Anyway.... always keen to learn for next time so....

What would you have done? Where did I go wrong?

Thanks for reading and for any suggestions for the next party!

The otherside of the coin!

Went to collect my five year old from a play date and she didn't want to leave. After ten minutes of chasing her 'round then I started to get cross. I had to physically pull her to the gate which was embarrassing. She was crying and begging to be allowed stay. The playdate's mother was watching the scene . Eventually I did manage to drag her off, still wailing that she wanted to stay, she didn't want to go home. I joked 'ha ha, i'm going to beat her and starve her when we get home of course' and the other mum laughed politely.

My dd was occassionally quite clingy 2 yrs ago, so there! It can all change in the blink of an eyelid.

Your dd sounds like a haphazard mixture of nerves/shyness and eagerness to join in the games/get the party bag, bless her, and then disappointment at the end. Totally understandable .

Ds (4) is like this. DH or I sit with him for 15 mins, tell the host he'll join in in a bit, point out the fun things going on and then just let him sit. Gradually his excitement overcomes his shyness and he joins in - sometimes he edges in incrementally, other times he just suddenly dives in, it's quite comic.

Your dd will feel differently about her own birthday party as she'll be there first and she'll know everyone.

I think you did the right thing by staying. I've been in this situation, I've been the ONLY parent to have to stay with my dd (was about 5 at the time) who didn't join in with anything andstuck to my side the whole time.

I think your dd was just overwhelmed by the whole thing, she probably wasn't expecting to have to change, and it just threw her for the rest of the party.

Keep taking her to parties and if you have to sit there, then you do.
Though I woudn't give her loads of attention, just saying things like look how much fun the other children are having, you'd love to do that ect.
But don't try and push her to join in as it may have the total opposite effect.

My dd1 is now 8 and it's only in the last year that she's been able to go off happily to parties.

Ahhh I do feel for you, and I've been there myself on more than one occasion. It's not 'selfish' to want 5 mins conversation and coffee with other mums and I totally understand your embarrassment too. One lovely mum persuaded me to leave a weeping DD at her lovely party, which I did, but when I returned I could tell the Mum had had a struggle with her and that DD's pale, tearstained, tragic face had probably put a downer on the whole thing (though in reality parties are so frantic that it most likely wasn't the mum's main concern of the event.)

I just wanted my DD to be like all the others! I was mortified that she appeared to be different and troublesome among all those happy, sociable little beings. But it does change and by 7 I'd be surprised if your little DD didn't love parties; friendships are stronger by then and are beginning to vie with the family closeness for importance - just as it should be.

Having said that my abiding memories of parties are of angst - the time I was the only child not to win a prize at anything, the time I didn't like any of the food, the one where no-one wanted to be my partner for the races... and I've had children at parties of my own who've clearly found the whole thing stressful and been pale and anxious - they're not always the lovely joyous festive occasions we somehow imagine they will be. Your DD's reaction is not uncommon at all and is no predictor of future sociability - my weeping 4-year-old wallflower became a real party girl later and is by far the more sociable of my two DDs.

I'm with Shoegazer - I am 33 and I stil find parties a bit scary! As a child, I used to feel sick before parties. I used to really hate them.

Was mortified to take my normally boisterous 3 year old to a party recently where he knew 95% of kids - he is full time at nursery so he spends all day with them. He clung to me like a limpet for the first half an hour. No other kid did this.

How on earth had I produced another me?

I didn't push him, just let him sit with me until randomly he bounded off, pushed a little kid over (aargh) and found his friends.

No idea if that means I have encouraged his behaviour or if it means he will be more relaxed next time. We do our best.