HELP - 11 week old never slept alone..advice needed!

[tryanythingONCE]

Hello..my gorg 11 wk daughter seems to hate sleep. she has only ever fallen asleep on me..even in the hospital the midwifes couldn't get her settled in cot so was always out on me. (in for a wk after cs). If I try put her down, even when really floppily asleep she immediately wakes up...legs and arms start moving and eyes pop open. She has a strong startle reflex still which happens even when on me. she hates to be swaddled. I can sometimes get her down on her front (durning the day when I can watch her). she won't stay asleep long though. We have tried putting her down and letting her cry..going in every ten min (she still cries when you pick her up you have to leave the room to settle her..she always looks around wide eyed)...lasted 2.5-3 hours...gets so upset and angry it breaks my heart..is this long enough??
she fights sleep, even now on me, hates the car...sometimes falls asleep in buggy..after crying for a while but will wake as soon as stops..or in swinging chair but wakes herself every 5 or so minutes or when stopped!
She sleeps in bed with me..either on my chest or on her side next to me...and only seems to settle when I go to sleep myself. She wakes up twice in night (once between 1 and 3...no matter what time she falls asleep..no logical pattern) and then at 5 or 5.30 again doesn't seem related to the previous wake up.
HV suggested reflex but doctor ruled it out as she is never sick (only brings up some amounts of milk sometimes). SHe has a sleeping bag. sory this is a ramble.. hope this makes sense...any help on what to try next...

Have you tried swaddling as this restricts the legs and arms and makes them feel more secure. My babies wouldn't settle unless they were tightly swaddled.

The Happiest Baby on the Block

This is a great book, has lots of ways to calm and settle a baby who needs a lot of touching. My nephew was like this, just needed a LOT of cuddles and my brother & SIL found the techniques very useful.

As far as sleeping goes if she sleeps best next to you, I'd just go ahead and cosleep. Whatever you have to do to get a good night's sleep, right?

Safe cosleeping info here: www.askdrsears.com/

Good luck, DD did have her barnacle baby days and it is very wearing, but I did find that the more I gave into it, the less she needed it, if that makes sense.

Hi..I've tried it a few times but she just cries and struggles until she gets her arms out...does it take them a while to get used to it? should I keep trying?

Hello

My dd was similar and found it incredibly hard to sleep alone. IMO 11 weeks is too young for sleep traing of the kind you described, leaving her to cry etc.

Even Ferber says wait 6 months these day I think.

So other options...

Try different ways like rocking/dancing/walking/sleeping on dp so that you have a range of ways that dp can also do.

You could try white noise.

The Sears book is good and Pantley is worth a try. sears website is definitely worth a look, think you have to register though, but its free and easy

Does it matter very much that she needs you with her a lot? I understand you need a break in the evening but is there a reason you don't want to cosleep?

BTW her night wakings seem ok to me.

slight xposts with Joy there.

yy dr sears look at high need baby bit.

Thanks for the book suggestion I will give it a go.
I don't mind co-sleeping but its driving my partner mad. I'm also a bit concerned that if we just give in and let her sleep with us then we are setting her up to sleep with us for years....and just putting the struggle off???

May be wrong but think silent reflux doesn't involve much puking. Did the doctor check for that?

I had a kid who never slept in the car either. The HV told me that was impossible!

Oh thanks guys..knew you would have things for me to try I will look at sears website..

Good to know that 11 wks might be a bit young for sleep training..I didn't like it.

Glad others don't like the car!!

Doctor was very dismissive and just said I was been to soft and did that 'first baby' question....does silent reflux mean no puking?

If you push the bed up against the wall or get a sidecar cot baby can be next to you and it should impact your DP less. I don't think you're setting yourself up for a big struggle later, giving a tiny baby what she needs now will only make it easier in the long run.

Personally, I don't like cosleeping that much and we've only done it part time, when DD really seems to need company. BUT it has been a lifesaver during the tough times, it was the only way anybody got any sleep when she was teething.

I think that one problem here is our expectations of tiny babies are at odds with normality. Books/TV etc make us believe that babies 'should' be able to self-settle, sleep alone and be 'independent' from a ludicrously early age.
Your baby is only 11 weeks old -she spent nearly 4 times that inside you! She just wants to be close to you. This is NORMAL!
Have you tried carrying her in a sling? We loved our stretchy Moby wrap and it is much better for your back than the Baby Bjorn type, plus more cosy for the baby. You can get on with your day and she can nap or just be close to you.
Or a walk with the pram will usually send a baby to sleep and the exercise and fresh air will make you feel better.
Her night wakings sound normal for an 11 week old as well. Co-sleeping really helped us, I can honestly say I never felt sleep deprived after the first week, despite frequent night wakings. Lots of advice on here about doing it safely -look in the Sleep section. But please don't leave her to cry -she's much too young to 'learn' anything from it except helplessness.
Good advice on further reading above as well -I second Sears, Pantley and Deborah Jackson as well.
Hope some of this is helpful. Please try to enjoy your baby and enjoy being close to her - it can be such a lovely time.

If they struggled while swaddled, I usually fed them or rocked or carried them until they settled. Once settled they would then sleep for a while.
Didn't always work at night and then I would co-sleep.
I agree with those who've said you are not setting yourself up for a struggle later.

Thanks.
everyone gives different advice...my partner has two teenage children both were alot better at sleeping than DD..so I check with HV and doctors and they all say something is wrong and she should be going down...etc etc...
i'm glad alot of you co-sleep and I feel fine doing it and I get the same sleep as DD which is great. plus its lovely to wake up next to her.
I have both slings..she doesn't like the wrap..her arms are too restricted..but the bjorn she's ok in.
I guess I should trust my instincts more!

Always trust your instincts! Nobody knows your baby like you do, no matter how many they've had!

i co-slept with dd, when she was that little she went to bed when i did, as she got older she would settle for a short while in her cot. she now sleeps in her bed (occasionally getting in with me at 5 am).
my ds was completely diffeerent always slept in his own room and bed 7pm-6pm waking for a feed in the night til he was 1 and straight back in his own bed.
they are all different if you are happpy and she is happy with co-cleeping then do it.
i found an interesting fact that it is only in more western countries that we expect babies to sleep alone. in all other societies babies sleep with parents for years, as it helps them to feel secure and safe.

also agree with juuule, try swaddling then feeding while she gets used to it. it may work for you it did my dd. however my ds would have stopped feeding, he's never been a cuddly cuddly one always very independent

i love the dr sears website...it puts your instincts into words.
Thanks so much everyone I feel so much better about continuing to co-sleep. You've all given me more confidence to do what I think is best.