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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

What on earth is going on? 7yo DD lying.

17 replies

Sugarmagnolia · 05/07/2008 08:31

So last week DD went on a school trip to a country park. Came back raving about going horseback riding - lots of details like which friends went with her, what the other kids were doing while they were riding, where they went etc. A few days later I bumped into one of the mums who went on the trip and told her how much DD loved the horseback riding. Horseback riding, she asks, puzzled? There was no horseback riding. We saw a few horses in a field but that was it.

So I ask DD and she says, well, no, we were just pretending we were in the Saddle Club (tv show DD is very into at the mo about horseback riding). Ok, so it sounds like her imagination just got a bit carried away, didn't make too big a deal but did have a serious conversation with her about the difference between pretending and lying.

Next week she tells me she made it into the final of the school talent show. I thought that was a bit odd since she just kind of made something up on the spot for the audition. But I went along with it, let her take a costume and music into school on the day. She came home in her costume, told me all about the show, even about how she felt a bit of stage fright but then went ahead anyway and didn't forget any steps. Find out the next day she wasn't in it at all!

So what on earth is going on? Things are generally ok at home, apart from the usual squabbling with DS. I've dealt with it in terms of discussion about why it's wrong/punishment etc but still can't get my head around the WHY.

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Original poster

Sugarmagnolia · 05/07/2008 12:24

bump..?

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cory · 05/07/2008 12:26

Is there something at school that she is unhappy about? Any signs of bullying? Or just feeling she is not doing as well as the other kids?

Original poster

Sugarmagnolia · 05/07/2008 12:29

NO, I don't think so. She does well at school and has lots of friends. She was in a dance show a few weeks ago for which she got a lot of attention but surely that wouldn't be enough to create such an elaborate lie?? And i?m pretty sure I'm not a pushy mum. Just puzzled.

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Wassup · 05/07/2008 12:30

lol

what a fantastic imagination

this is so common magnolia, especially the school related ones. My daydreaming dd is famous for these. I don't overreact to the school ones. Just do a 'oh really' and often say 'oh I think I'll ask Mrs X (her teacher) about that if it's something you enjoyed so much' (about the horseriding) at which point, dd normally climbs down!

we get quite bad home lies which are v annoying but have emphasised the 'owning up is the best policy, you won't get into trouble, you'll be in more trouble for lying' though I'm not sure it's bearing fruit yet.

Amphibimum · 05/07/2008 12:30

i think approaching it as wrong and punishable is not a good way to go tbh.
what you want is for her to communicate with you, so shutting her down is not the way to go.

maybe play along with some fantasies with her sometime when you both are relaxed and have time/no other pressures, see if she loosens up and then you can try asking some questions which might encourage her to open up a bit and help get you to understand her reasoning.

Amphibimum · 05/07/2008 12:31

why do you think its so bad, btw?

Wassup · 05/07/2008 12:33

also, is she a big reader? mine is and I think this has fuelled her imagination so we often get very complicated and intense school tales about dramatic rescues in the playground!

Original poster

Sugarmagnolia · 05/07/2008 12:33

interesting amphibimum but I'm not sure I can agree. I do try and make time for her to talk to me about things but I also need to know that I can trust what she tells me - the whole boy who cried wolf thing. I usually tend to go with wassup's ?you'll be in more trouble for lying than owning up? policy.

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Amphibimum · 05/07/2008 12:36

the more trouble for lying than owning up thing is risky though, no? there are times when you wont know if shes lying or not, and you cant come down like a ton of bricks unless you have proof, can you? and what if they start being really naughty but freely admitting it all in order to call your bluff? are you really goinna let it all pass coz they were honest about it?

Amphibimum · 05/07/2008 12:37

cory · 05/07/2008 12:40

I had slightly different problems with dd at one time: she kept denying things she'd done- and then little brother joined in too. I really went to town on the "you'll be in more trouble for lying" and unfortunately that had quite a bad effect on them, as it made them more frightened, more stubborn and less willing to own up. I hardly ever got either of them to own up to anything when I was pushing it really hard and the situation just kept escalating.

Because lying seemed so much a worse thing than the initial offence, it made them think of themselves as morally bad, not just having been a little naughty and that did end up having a bad knock-on effect on their behaviour. I found I got more truth-telling out of them when I was able to relax a little about their lying. Goes against all instincts, but that's how it worked for me.

Amphibimum · 05/07/2008 12:47

i guess that would make sense cory... like doing the wee naughty thing was one thing, and to a kid, lying about it to avoid getting told off is probably nigh on instinctive. so then to be told that the instinctive behaviour is reeally bad is more like saying they themselves are 'bad' people...

Wassup · 05/07/2008 13:00

I think that's an interesting point cory but it also depends on the age of the child. My 7 (about to be 8) dd knows full well when she is lying and I do want her to know that owning up is the way to go.

Mine don't take the piss with this rule (i.e. they don't cause havoc and own up and expect to get off scot free) but if, like just now, I go to the kitchen and someone has dropped a meringue and then squished it all over the kitchen floor (which I had just cleaned grrrrr!) and I say 'who did that' about 6 months ago, no-one would have owned up and I probably would have got a story about a cat coming in and mysteriously opening up the meringues and trying to eat one whereas now, they will immediately own up and offer to help tidy up and not a cross word is spoken. Doesn't always happen that way but I do think we are making some progress.

morocco · 05/07/2008 13:24

I wouldn't call these lies tbh, more creations of imaginative fantasy. what happens if you go along with it? ds1 is 5 and sometimes makes up weird and wonderful stuff that happened at school. sometimes I think he's just seeing whether he can fool me or not. I play along and the story gets more and more fantastical til I bring it back to earth, 'gosh, must ask your teacher to tell me more', then he grins and admits he's made it up. I find it quite cute tbh

how about doing some creative writing sessions around it? you can make books these days over the internet, or do one at home. I used to make little books at that age (yes, total saddo )

obv if I thought he was worried about something or unhappy, it would be a different matter

Original poster

Sugarmagnolia · 05/07/2008 13:41

Hmm, morocco, I kind of think that what's cute at 5 is just plain 'not on' at 7. However, I really like the idea of doing some writing around it - DD loves writing stories (hence the vivid imagination!).

Also I just told my dad the story and he said something that made a lot of sense. He said that even though we're not pushy parents she may be pushing herself and have been upset at not having gotten through, hence the lie... that actually fits her really well.

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Amphibimum · 05/07/2008 16:17

in that case, take trouble to let her know that you think shes brilliant regardless of any talent contest or any other measure.

cory · 05/07/2008 17:50

Wassup on Sat 05-Jul-08 13:00:56
"I think that's an interesting point cory but it also depends on the age of the child. My 7 (about to be 8) dd knows full well when she is lying and I do want her to know that owning up is the way to go."

But that was precisely why they got so tangled up in it! Because they knew how bad it was, so once they had started they couldn't own up to that either and it got worse and worse and worse. If they hadn't felt so bad about it they could have backtracked and said 'Sorry Mum, that wasn't really how it happened'. But because I'd told them that the initial offence wasn't so bad but that the lie (which I had probably startled them into) was serious, they started thinking of themselves as seriously bad and were afraid of what would happened if they admitted they'd been lying.

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