Disproportionate crying reaction from 5 year old ds

[mamserafina]

ds has just turned 5 and in the last few months has regressed into a crying baby.

Every little thing makes him burst into tears, wherever we are.
i.e.

1. playing computer on his own, if he loses game he will cry
2. at the shops, if they don't have his favourite magazine he will burst loudly into tears and scream
3. at the restaurant if they don't have his favourite food ditto etc etc.

This is getting very embarrassing for me as his crying persists then until he sobs very loudly. I only about manage to persuade him to stop by bribing him/promising treat or trying to explain why it's not worth to get so upset about it.

If I raise my voice and tell him to stop he then starts crying even louder and says things like, please don't be angry with me and then tries to hug me and says sorry to me for upsetting me.

This of course upsets me even more and makes me feel heart less.

He's otherwise a very happy child, doing well at school and with lots of friends.

Do you think this is normal behaviour for his age and if you have experienced the same which trick worked?

thanks in advance for reading this....I would really appreciate some advise or even shared experience of the same and to learn what I am doing wrong if it's my fault for his behaviour (i.e. should I be more relaxed about his crying?)

DD doing the same at 5. I found the more attention/bribery I threw at it the worse it got. I just say calmly once, "I understand you are disappointed but you have to accept it, if you can't then you need to spend time thinking about it in your room" it is certainly less frequent since then even though I feel mean!

yes I would be more relaxed - how about letting him cry and trying to let him know you understand his feelings by saying something like "You're really disappointed they don't have your magazine, aren't you?" Just be calm and don't pay it much attention, but let him know you understand what has bothered him. Give him a way of expressing it with words instead of crying.

I think bribing him or shouting at him are likely to make it worse.

My 3.11 yo DD has episodes of this as well: inconsolable tears for 'not being First to.. fill in blank here', at the moment.. and also.. sometimes I catch her looking at me through the tears in a "What effect am I having" Hamming it up kindof way - she's a natural for the stage!

I can usually get her to smile if I pull a funny face or stand on my head.. not very practical in the supermarket.. but needs must when the devil drives!

I'm not very bothered by the tears, but do feel slightly embarrassed - if that's the right word - when she lets rip in public. But heigh ho.

agree with franny about showing your sympathy and giving him the tools to put it into words - as he matures he will get into the habit of words instead of tears...

don't get embarrassed - other people will understand he's still very young indeed (and if they don't understand that then their opinion isn't worth caring about)

If I see a child crying and the mum calmly showing sympathy rather than shouting then I am very impressed tbh so his response is nothing to be embarrassed about.

Is he at school? I think sometimes the sheer effort of school can make all their emotions a bit harder to govern for them; and it's this time of year when they've had enough and need a break IMO, could that have anything to do with it do you think?

Don't fall into the trap of bribing him to stop, or telling him to stop and getting cross and embarrassed.

I find the best way to deal with this (DS is 5 too and does this sometimes) is to aknowledge why they are sad, in a matter of fact way, with some sympathy if need be, and voeralise how he is feeling, like "oh it is disappointing when they don' have your ice cream isn't it?". LEt him know it's ok to feel sad, angry, upset and disappointed, and then try to distract him or get him to decide what he's going to do about the situation to malke it better, e.g. "hoe disappointing, no chocolate ice cream, what should we do now? try another flavour?"

Yes, you should be more relaxed about the crying, let him do it but don't encourage it with bribes or make him feel like it is wrong to cry..

Is he getting enough sleep though? DS is always more prone to bouts of crying when he's over-tired.

thanks for all the reply.
I had read about the aknowledgment of his feelings and showing sympathy and I have tried with some positive results at the beginning, but now I just get him to shout back: yes I am sad and this is not fair....

Also - things seems to get worse when I am out and about with ds and our new baby if baby is crying.

I thought that ds (who's always been quite grown up for his age) and loves his little baby brother to bits would have been understanding of his little baby brother crying. But no.... if ds2 starts crying, then you can be reassured something will trigger ds1 crying too. So the two of them crying may make me raise my voice. I am normally a very collected person and have never ( I mean never) shouted ds1 before.

I would imagine it is driving you bonkers especially with a new baby crying also

I would really make a resolution to try to stick to the calm acknowledgement then more or less ignore strategy, even if you are feeling livid yourself
play act it - how calm and reasonable can you sound? you know everyone is listening - see how impressively cool you can be

thanks Franny - I will try.

It might be that the sleepless nights make me less patient, but it's also true that sometimes ds1 crying comes so loud and unexpected that I did start to wonder if there was something wrong with him, so it's reassuring to hear that he's not the only one. However, what upsets me most is that he hardly aknowledges his little baby brother crying - if I tell him to stop as ds2 is crying too he will just say: so what? and cry even more! He seems to become deaf around him and if ds2 is crying at home, ds1 will just carry on doing what he's doing and won't try to play with him to calm him down, like ds2 wasn't there.

I am not sure this is normal behaviour?

On the other hand, ds1 is a very passionate/enthusiastic little boy and I do agree that his crying stems from the fact that he cannot put into words how he feels inside.

He goes to school and also does a couple of clubs a week, so maybe he's tired too.

Sounds like a big case of sibling rivalry!

Also I think your expectations are way too high if you don't mind me saying so. He is five and IMO it is too much to expect him to stop crying if the baby is, or to try to entertain the baby to help stop him crying. Many five year olds don't have that level of empathy.

I think it will happen but maybe now is too soon....you may be doing this but I'm sure lots of re-inforcing to him of how much the baby LOVES him and is pleased to see him, how he is the BEST at playing with the baby (even if he only leans over the vot and blows a raspberry!) will be one good way of building his empathy toward the baby.

I think it sounds normal. Dd was a major drama queen at that age, but is now (11) actually one of the calmer, more mature girls in her class.

Also, not wanting to stop crying or making a noise because of little brother sounds very natural. He does not feel ready to take on responsibility for little brother's wellbeing at this stage- fair enough, just don't worry about it. He probably would like to be little too and may well create more noise to make his point. Normal if annoying.

Excellent advice has been given already so won't give any more. Just don't take it for granted that because he's like this now, he's going to stay that way.

My ds can be like this at times too (he's 4.5) - although more shouting than sobbing I absolutely find that 'sympathetic ignoring' as described by F&Z, hockeypuck, OMDB et al is the best policy. Shouting absolutely escalates him.

His sister is just over 2, and he is capable of completely ignoring her shouts of pain even when sitting right next to her (I mean when he hasn't caused them so I wouldn't personally be worried about him ignoring the baby - I'd work on the expectation that he'll take no responsibiltiy at all for his brother ... and anything he DOES do, is an absolute bonus. Fwiw, ds responded well to be given 'special tasks' when dd was a baby ( you're in charge of washing her tummy, no-one else is allowed to do that) as well as lots of positive reinforcement about how much she loved him - he soon cottoned onto the idea that he got lots of praise and attention if he amused her....

Just like the first reply, I could have written the op!! My 5.5yo ds is just the same and is definitely worse when tired. He also does not acknowledge baby sister's crying but can seriously lose it over nothing.

I felt terribly guilty when I gave him a lecture about the poor children in Burma and China who really do have something to cry about after he lost it for about 10 mins because...........he had a piece of string on his sock. That actually shut him up briefly but I won't do it again as I know it is a bit unfair to put the weight of the world's problems on his shoulders .

I think the advice given here is excellent and will definitely be trying it on my ds, and what a relief yet again (thank you Mumsnet!!) to know that mine is not the only one!!!

I remember DS and DD both being like this around that age (long, long time ago). I recall telling them to pace themselves otherwise they'd have nowt left for when the Inland Revenue was after them in a few years

I was proved right too.

DD1 is 4.6 and can burst into tears at the drop of a hat when something hasn't gone her way, she's heard 'No', or is upset or disappointed about something

I either ignore it (if regarding something such as "Oh no, I've put my shoe on the wrong foot, Waaaaaaaaaaahhhh!", etc etc)

Acknowledge the feeling ("I can see that you're sad that we've got to leave Nanny's house but we've got to get home to cook our dinner" etc etc)

Or do the "I know that you are angry and frustrated but can you please go to your room to do your shouting as it's not nice for other people to have to listen to" if it's a real meltdown or full-on strop drama (she does respond really well to this one - it's like she's given the Green Light to go a bit nutty but in her own space and own control, IYSWIM)

My ds is 5 and has always been quick to cry or 'over react' to the slightest thing. He's the third of 3, and I put it down to attention seeking.

I have been using the 'Oh it IS disappointing when that happens...'line a lot more and it does seem to work. He's def. less of a cry baby.

I always was quick to call him a baby too and I think this was counterproductive!

Oh, NNB, I( do that too - if he's especially annoyingupset over something stupidly trivial, I tell him that if he can't calm down, he can go to his room until he's ready to be calm and come out & talk properly. He actually tends to calm down very quickly and hasn't yet trashed his room...

It does work really well, doesn't it?

She sometimes will stomp off to her room herself (slamming the door, of course ) to calm down without me needing to intervene first

Comes out minutes later as if nothing's happened!

And let's be honest, we'd all loke to have a good old shout at times, wouldn't we?!

Honoria - you are right that I have high expectations of ds1.
It's something I am always aware of, it might be due to the fact that I have high expectations of myself and now I project this on him.
I need to step back a bit and understand he's not a grown up but just a 5 years old.

The problem is that his tendency to overreact caused issues at school at the beginning of the year as they thought he had behavioural problems.

I spoke to his teacher again in February and she said he was a changed child as he'd started making friends and participating in all activities, his school report was fab and I am very proud of him.

BUT I did push him with his reading and writing maybe at a time when he wasn't ready - but it was for his own good so that he could be at the same level as the others.

The baby didn't seem to bother him, but it obviously does at a certain level.

How do I show him that I love him for whom he is and for whom I think he ought to be?

The fact that he gets very upset about me being cross with him really makes me sad

Funnypeculiar, nnb and other posters with similar dcs, I am not saying that you are the same as me, but do you think that you are just a tiny bit over expectant of your dcs?

it was supposed to read:
How do I show him that I love him for whom he is and NOT for whom I think he ought to be

oh I'm sure he knows you love him for who he is already, don't worry

sounds like he has done a sterling job of adjusting to school, no wonder you are proud of him.

I must admit I have REALLY struggled with the issue of whether to 'push' my ds where reading and writing are concerned because he IS behind his peers....we happen to be re-assured that he has good ability because he was assessed by the Ed Psych (has some dyspraxic-like physical difficulties) - so we know that his output is not matching his ability. It's frustrating because we want him to be showing his ability.

However, the point of that ramble is that I have worked hard to hold right back from pushing him at ALL and I think it has helped no end with his confidence. He feels relaxed because when he comes home, school is OVER. We will do any homework he has but if it can't be done in five minutes, it's left.

It has been hard because sometimes my instinct is to push but I am telling myself these kids are FIVE, and there is time, and that pushing them is totally counter-productive.

So I think maybe you would feel happier if you took the focus off his reading and writing, because maybe that would be one way of showing him you accept what he can do NOW and value that and are proud of it?

Hi Honoria
is your ds in reception or year 1?
ds is a summer baby and of course a boy. He's in reception and of course was behind most of his peers who were older, girls or just hothoused (ifykwim).
We found that this knocked his confidence and made him behaved either badly or just too shy, i.e. didn't say a word during all day.

Since he started writing and reading at the same level as the others his confidence has soared and he's told me he now feels the others want to be friends with him, in other words he doesn't feel stupid and thinks can approach the others and be friends with him.

So it is a catch 22 situation, chicken and egg.... and we had to decide what came first and pushing him to get to the same level as the others seemed the hard line to take but also the only one at the time.

We have slowed down now - especially since baby arrived, but maybe the confidence in my unconditional love for him has been dented already

My ds is in year one - he will still only be five when he finishes year 1!

I totally see where you're coming from - by giving that push you have given the confidence he needed; I'm hoping that by NOT pushing ds I've done the same, I'm not saying one or other approach is right or wrong! I guess it depends on the child, too - ds doesn't seem remotely aware of who can and can't read in his class so I guess my assumption is he'd be more stressed by me pushing, whereas your ds was much more aware....

not easy, is it! Specially for summer born boys.....

Am not sure if I understand what you mean by 'over expectant'

I expect dd to have lots of mini-meltdowns at 4.6 because from what I have observed, that's what small children do... they are unable to articulate their frustrations in a sophisticated verbal way, so it comes out in the form of a tantrum, stropiness or whatever you want to call it

But I think it is perfectly reasonable to start to teach them how to manage that frustration in ways they are capale of. IMO going to a room to scream and shout and thus calm down in a way they have control over is not too 'expectant'