Feel I am being driven crackers - 15 month old - feel guilty

[ColumboTheFormerCookieMonster]

At the the end of my tether. DS is 15 months old and every day seems like a battle, usually ending up at some point with me in tears.

It starts with him refusing to have his nappy changed (it doesn't make any difference if I try to make a game of it, or be strict, or ignore his squirming, the end result is that he has a screaming tantrum and I end up covered in poo, have to plonk him in the bath to shower him off, while he is trying to climb out while I am reaching for the towel/soap/tap and today succeeded, luckily I caught him). Same deal with cleaning his teeth. Same deal with him trying to climb out of his highchair onto the table (despite reins), throwing food on the floor, shaking his cup so that the milk spurts out all over the playpen, picking his toys out of the toy basket and throwing them one after the other on the floor. Shaking box of raisins so they spray out all over place. Opening the stair gate. Running to the book case and throwing books down the stairs, throwing anything he can get his hands on down the stairs. Switching plugs on and off. And this is with me following him saying ah ah no, we don't touch the plugs, etc, I am hardly just letting him do these things.

I know that is all probably (possibly?) normal, but it used to be occasional, now it seems every time is like this and we go from one thing to another...it seems he is constantly pushing the boundaries of the limits of what he can do and I am worried he will hurt himself. Also, I'm getting stressed out because it feels like I'm unable to control him. There are many moments where I feel like a failure.

Jeez. Anyway, is this normal for a 15 month old? He seems very very strong willed and it feels exhausting. For example today I decided to get out of the house ASAP and spend the day out with him, go out where he can have a good run about - but we haven't even got through the morning routine and already he's had three tantrums and I've lost it and had to put him in cot with some music on while I chill out for 5 mins.

Yesterday he freaked me out by discovering that if he put his hand on his mouth he gagged, he did this a few times until he made himself sick.

I think you'll have a stroke if you try this hard to fight normal childlike behaviour.

Most of what you describe is utterly normal and yes it is exhausting, this really is one of the most exhausting times of all if you have an active boy, but it IS normal

He wants to shake, throw, etc; he is too little to realise that it's inconvenient if it happens to be milk, raisins etc. Instead of getting so worried by it you can just calmly take away what he's shaking or whatever and replace it with something he CAN shake - a cup with a lid with a tiny bit of water in will be just as good to him....if he throws raisins, don't give him the box, just hand him one at a time.

Nappies - use pull-ups....I found it so much easier, many children this age do not want to lay down for nappy change and it is perfectly possible to change even a poo-ey nappy standing up (sometimes the TV can be a good distraction to keep them in one place)

Also is it a problem that he takes his toys out and throws them on the floor? That's what they're for - he's playing with them. Again, for an adult that's a bit inconvenient because it is a bit messy but you can just make a game of throwing them back if you want. Or just throw handfuls back when he's on to something else.

Bubbles are a brilliant distraction at this stage too I think, often gave me a good few minutes where ds was just happy batting bubbles

oh yes and the gagging thing, is normal experimentation and take it from me if you give it attention he will do it more! Just ignore it.

My DD was a bit like yours. I started the naughty spot when she was your LO age. It has worked a treat.

I just want to say that I do not see this as 'naughty' behaviour. If you punish your child for being a child, he will be on the 'naughty spot' for a lot of time and that doesn't sound a fun childhood to me!

Under two years is recognised by the NSPCC as really too young for real 'naughtiness' needing 'punishing' - this is about experimentation, which is how they learn - human beings are hard-wired to learn this way and I think it's desperately sad to punish it.

It's just about helping him learn in a way that isn't too inconvenient to you; and kids ARE messy and inconvenient so your tolerance may need to be consciously raised IMO

HG - I do try all those things, honest. And no, it's not really a problem that he throws his toys on the floor - I guess I only care about it because he did it with hard/metal plastic toys and it chipped the varnish on the wooden floor, so I tried to get him not to do it, which he thought was hilarious, and then kept running away to do the same thing. So, no it's not really a problem but on the other hand the floor is now covered in chips and dents where he did it, which is a shame. For eg, sometimes he wants to bang his toy brush on the floor so I encourage him to do it on the tiled area rather than on the wooden floor. Also the kitchen table is covered in chips and dents where his place is, but I still let him bang his spoon etc.

My house is a real mess actually, and partially this is precisely because I do let him explore and have free rein, but I'm not going to let him crayon the walls etc. That just seems daft.

I think it is more that he wants me to do what he wants and this stuff happens when I don't do it - for eg if I am putting a wash on or trying to get dressed or on the phone or cooking - if I am playing with him or reading to him it doesn't happen. That's why it is exhausting, because I can't get my normal chores done (and I don't mean get things gleaming, I mean get dressed, eat etc) and then it's an uphill struggle.

I guess you are right it is just that it IS exhausting at this stage. Ho hum.

I agree I think he is too young for it to be called naughty. It's more experimentation and boundary pushing, as far as I can see.

And if I may say I think you've made a few judgey assumptions - I never suggested "punishing" my child - that was the other poster. I just asked it was normal behaviour in a 15 month old.

HG I can see where your coming from but when I couldn't find that happy medium then I tried the naughty spot. I only had to do it twice.

I got the naughty spot from super nanny, and she said 1 was a good time to start.

My house is a mess and I do let my child do as she pleases most of the time but when she is having a really bad tantrum and needs a chill out this is good to do.

How about if your LO hit another person, I can't stand it when a mother says in a nice voice 'darling you can't do that say sorry' they do but guess what they then repeat the bad behaviour.

I am not saying to be a hard ball but you do have to do more when they are never listening to you.

In fact HG I am a bit at the tone of your replies in general. Very patronising.

oo blimey, offending people left right and centre! Yes, the 'punishing' comment was not aimed at you Columbo! And shortandsweet I hope you're not offended either but in your post all I had to go on was "I started using the naughty step at this age" not "I used it once or twice!"

ok so the stuff happens when you are doing something else and can't divert him - I know what you mean. If it isn't patronising (?) may I suggest trying a playpen, I used it with ds at this age for making tea/trips to loo/answer the door etc and it worked a treat.

I sincerely apologise for any offence, I was trying to be helpful, and in your first post you did describe a lot of normal behaviour and I was trying to say that you have to accept childlike behaviour - which you clearly do

DS is at a similar age, doesn't sound as bad, but when he is awake he has to be on the go constantly, he wouldn't sit and watch TV, and we have to read to him while he's running round the room throwing his toys about. His first word was "CRASH" and his favourite game is emptying something (DVD shelf...) and throwing the contents round the room. I am just waiting for it to get easier ... any ideas when this will happen anyone? I don't tell him off for his normal childish behaviour, and I try to keep NO for safety issues.

My DD is 13 months and loves emptying bins, kitchen, living room, she's not fussy. She also likes going over to her toy box and throwing the toys out 1 by 1 - she never plays with the toys - just throws them on the floor and leaves them there

ooops, just realised, DD is now 14 months

yep, all totally normal. Ds 14 months and pretty similar. I agree with all dashboard's suggestions

definitely use pullups, extra expense worth it. I sing songs to ds which he knows from toddler groups and he likes to join in the actions, also give him something to hold, my ds likes chewing on his toothbrush or drinking from his cup during changes.

let him clean his own teeth, anyway up cup all good suggestions. let him throw his toys on the floor (maybe put rugs down on top of the wooden floors?) and have big tidy up session with him at the end of each day.

I do most chores during his naps or when he's gone to bed in the evening. I have my own lunch in peace and quiet during his nap!

Ds's speciality is pulling all his cups and plates out of the cupboard onto the floor - just let him. He'll soon grown out of this phase and it doesn't take a mo to throw them all back in again.

loads and loads of praise when he's "good" or helpful. Ds now wanting to help all the time, he puts his own nappy sacks in the bin, wipes in the bin etc, fetches his own shoes, helps empty the dishwasher etc. loads of praise for it.

get out of the house as much as poss - toddler groups, park etc.

and just remember they'll soon grow out of this phase only for it to be replaced by a different one! (in dd's case wanting to watch too much TV!)

oh and forgot to say try and stay calm, I don't mean to sound patronising and I know it can be really hard sometimes but if they see you getting stressed and upset it gets them in a tizzy too. Ignore the tantrums and give him a big cuddle when they're over...try and enjoy him and give him loads of love and cuddles in the day.

please don't be too cross with it all, I agree with HG they're far too young at this age to be "naughty" . definitely wouldn't do naughty step with DS. Distraction is key at this age.

OK, sorry if I was ultra sensitive to tone there HG, I guess it's just that I was at the end of my tether this morning and so I didn't post all the nice things I do with him to try to distract etc (bubbles, swap milk for water in cup etc, not be bothered about raisins on the floor and feed them one by one etc...) but just listed the stuff that had happened this morning.

I think I have fears that I am going to end up one of those ineffectual mothers of crazily hyper boys, it wasn't really his bevahiour so much as my feeling overwhelmed by it despite my best efforts and I guess panicking that he could smell my fear.

Thanks for all your suggestions - have been out to buy some pull-ups today so we'll see how that goes...

does sound like normal behaviour as regards to the floor what we done was went to carpet place and bought an off cut of carpet and placed it over our wood floor so looks like very large rug with some underlay underneath

nothing you can do will stop them from doing these things so its finding a way around them so protecting the floor with carpet as make shift rug

shaking milk in playpen sounds normal and i did let ds do this alot

as for the nappy i would give ds some time out of nappy sitting on a towel and then give him a toy to distract then put nappy back on blowing bubbles on his belly

its picking your battles if not going anywhere then can stay naked until calm enough to dress protect the floor with blanket or cut off carpet

i remember at this stage some mornings not wanting to get up and longing for him to go to bed but once i started relaxing and removing or protecting my worries became less and we were able to play and have more fun together good luck you sound like your doing a great job and being a great mum

this stage doesnt last forever

I can relate to that feeling of panicking. You have to keep repeating the mantra of this-will-pass-it-is-perfectly-normal-it-will-pass-it-is-perfectly-normal... It will pass, honestly.

i know what you mean about worrying you're going to end up an ineffectual mother of a hyper child - when dd was going through this stage I remember worrying like mad that she was going to be this totally out of control toddler and if I didn't get on top of the little things early on they would get worse and she would be a nightmare!

as it turned out she is now obsessively clean and tidy, far more fussy than me!!

it really is just a phase and just cos they're like this now doesn't mean they will be forever!

Am so glad I saw this post!! You just described my DS exactly!

I like to think that he is very advanced for his age and we're getting the terrible 2's out the way early

Oh and I also give him time out in his cot - particularly after a full on rage tantrum. I think that is more productive than seeing mummy lose her temper and swear at the 'darlings'