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[madame]

I have a dd who will be 3 in September.In the last week or so her tantrums seem to have really accelerated. She is constanlty pushing the boundries which I don't mind so much but I give her some slack and say for example in 5 mins we will be doing xyz and then when it comes to doing it she objects. She has started shouting/ screaming at me NO......... and when I try to talk to her and ask her to stop shouting she screams and gets even angrier.

Tonight it was time for her shower and I had allowed her to watch tv prior. Explained to her she could watch 5 mins and then have a shower. She agreed and when it came to it she had a full on tantrum. I had to leave her in the lounge in the end and walk away as she was just getting more and more wound up. She did eventually calm down and then came in for a hug. I then asked her to apologise and she did.

I can't help feeling a little powerless at the moment. I don't understand suddenly where this anger and shouting has come from and just don't know how to manage her defiance and tantrums at the moment.

Advice please

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Thanks Sunnytimes.

Anybody else have any pearls of wisdom.

i really hoped for more help here...

If you mean help to stop a tantrum- no, we probably can't do that.

It may sometimes be possible to distract a toddler before they get to fullblown tantrum, but a lot of the time they are going to do it and you just have to sit it out.

If you mean reassurance that this is nothing unusual or embarrassing or a sign of bad parenting- yes, you shall have that in bucketloads, my dear!

Healthy and happy children gradually stop tantrumming and become annoying in other ways.

It helps to pick your battles and not paint yourself into a corner. Give her a choice if there is a possibility of doing so. When you ask her to do something immediately start talking to her while helping her to get on (e.g. time for her to go to shower, so you take her by the hand, ask her about something exciting and edge her towards the bathroom).

But never compromise your rules for fear of a tantrum.

Just accept that it may be inevitable, cultivate the unconcerned look and hum a light tune. Be prepared to manhandle.

No advice but we are experiencing some monster tantrums here at the mo with DS1 (2.4 yrs). Made worse by twins who are nearly 6 months. Am really struggling as feel bad for him having less time with me, but there is nothing I can do. I am making such an effort to do things with him but he still shouts and screams.

Sometimes he is an angel though...

thank you,

Cory when you say manhandle do you mean just go ahead with a shower for example even if it means the tantrum continuing.

agree with cory that you are not alone with this!

I totally second cory's approach of distracting - rather than a straight "DD, time for shower now please" (Translation to ears of nearly-three year old - "DD, would you like something to practice asserting yourself with? Here it is. Go on, really have a good go - give it some welly!") you can say all kinds of tihngs from cory's approach of keeping them talking so that they are in the shower before they have time to think, to exaggerated pantomime joking "Hmmmmm, DD, that shower is so inviting! I think MUMMY will have the shower!" etc etc etc

I think many children use this time to assert their individuality and that is totally normal and a stage of development they NEED - so it's about not always asking in a straight down the line way. The other way can work of course if you are prepared to have lots of stand offs and power struggles. I like my sanity so opted for a different way!

And, despite all efforts btw, all children will still sometimes have a tantrum - don't fret about it and don't take on the responsibility for stopping it; you can't, it has to be gone through and only the child can stop it. If you feed it with attention and words it will go on longer.

HTH?

thank you cory, egg and Honoriaglossop I really needed some help here. I guess I have got to the point a bit where I felt she was older and could be a bit more direct. But I think you are right about thats giving them a opportunity to put up a struggle.

I need to get a bit more creative with my enticing and avoid conflict as I hate it too and life is too short to be in battles all the time.

This has just given me the confidece to go back a step with dd and be more playful with things instead of dictorial.

Thank you

glad you found some help here madame - I know what you mean about thinking you can be more direct but I used this approach with ds for ages, till he was rising 5 I think - and if you use it long enough IMO it gives the chance for a good routine to bed in without too much struggle, as in they get used to having a bath, or putting their coat on, or whatever it is - and then you're out of the oppositional phase (more or less!) not unscathed but almost sane!!!

I actually found the age of 3 harder than 2, because it was so difficult to know how much they could cope with. It is one of those awkward transition ages: sometimes they can be really mature and then they act like babies again. They can do a lot of things- but not necessarily all the time. It's probably hard for them as well.