4.5 year old behaviour issues after new baby

[Pandapants]

Does anyone have any ideas about how to help my 4.5 yr old DS get through this period of transition? I think its not just the new baby (now 6 weeks) whom she adores and is largely very kind too, this year she has had me ill and incapacitated for months during pregnancy, an operation on her ears/adenoids - which she coped with brilliantly and several episodes of tonsilitis and scarlet fever - gosh writing it down its a lot for a little mite. Since the baby I have been giving her lots & lots of time and support, my Dh is around alot making this possible - more than I have been able to give in a very long time, she has been at home with me while convalescing (sp?)and I have been picking her up early from nursery - tho' we have kept her going in 3 days (when she isn't ill). She starts school in September too. The problem is she becomes hysterical and furious at the smallest things (if we mis-hear her, if she draws a picture and a line or dot is wrong, if anyone contradicts her, and yesterday because i wasn't in the room she thought I was in). The other issue is that she is getting horribly upset when I drop her at nursery - despite having a jolly time together in the morning and on the way. Today she was removed screaming from me, I stupidly returned after she had said goodbye because she looked sad - we try never to separate on bad terms, but she wouldn't let go. Nursery were fab, and she was okay within minutes and they called to say she was fine later. She seems to be so insecure and angry some of the time and I don't know how to help - I feel like we have done everything to be generous and kind to her - sometimes at the expense of the baby - but if I give up on nursey now how will we ever convince her she has to go to school? I thought it would be easier with a bigger gap and an older child. She won't talk to me about her feelings at all.

Oops! I am so addled I have referred to DD1 as DS - I have two girls, though at the moment I forget their names, dates of birth etc.

I'm going thro this with DS right now, he's the same age but his sister is coming up to 1 yr. We had a long talk today about how he doesn't like playgroup and doesn't want to go, which made my heart sink. This was after a 10 min meltdown cos I went out of the "wrong" gate at the park.

We're not sending him to school til Jan when he'll have just turned 5 as I don't think he's ready but I am dreading Sept. when all his friend's leave (they are going to different schools).

The only thing I can think to suggest is to talk to her about how you are feeling, if you get the chance. So maybe tell her how worried you were when she was ill and how it feels when you get angry, sad, etc. I think this may help her look at her own feeling and also lets her know that it's okay to tell you about them.

I do so hope this is normal and finite cos it is doing my head in.

We have done okay yesterday and today with the drop off as I have delivered her directly to a keyworker who has then whisked her off to do an activity, but that's not going to be possible at school. All the nursery staff say its normal and that she has to get her anger/confusion out somewhere somehow. She is getting an awful lot of treats, but I am trying to link them to good behaviour - we made a deal yesterday about not screaming about little things and she has decided she will say "Oh Bum, it doesn't matter" (I can cope with a bit of mild rudeness ove earsplitting screaming and shouting i think) rather than loosing the plot. We have definitely had less wobbles yesterday and today - but that may just be her mood. Good luck with your LO

i am having the same problem, ds1 is 4.5 and ds2 is 20 weeks, he doesnt seem to be the baby coming that has affected him, just that its his age, alot of other mums at nursery are experiencing same problems and they havent had babies, i am hoping its a phase! he loses the plot at the smallest of things and he never use to be like it

My ds is still a bit like this 18 months after his brother was born, but that's not to imply things don't get better. Starting school this year plus the baby plus everything else, she's just needing stability and reassurance in a world that's constantly changing. And it sounds as though both of you are trying to give that to her but it's only been six weeks, it will get better but takes time for you all to adjust esp her. My ds was fine with the baby too, but aimed all his hostility and upset at me really esp when I took him to nursery when he would get really upset.

All I can say is focus on anything lovely or positive that she does and make a big deal of it, try to keep things as routine-driven as possible as that will make her feel more secure . Huge amount of cuddles and kisses, my ds is 4.6 now and seems to need more and more physical affection the older he gets more so when upset or angry. Some children want to regress a bit, pretend to be babies etc (ds1 has a whole range of role play baby animals etc) which seems to help them. Looking at photos of when they were babies, or videos might make her feel more comforted.I'm sure you're already doing all of this, when she starts feeling more secure about life the behaviour will get better.

Oh meant to say I changed my nickname to Fatbag from Pandapants - not an improvement but I have my reasons. Hope this means my previous posting makes more sense.I really am crap at this posting lark.

Anyway, we are doing nice things together, we had a picnic after nursery and she was brilliantly behaved and loved the time - I read something said at least half an hour togther without baby - but don't know how to achieve that bit. We'll see how it goes after the weekend when she is back at nursery again, next. I suppose its better that she is difficult or cross with me than hurting the baby, but its hard not to be upset when you are trying so hard to make it okay for everyone. I agree about the physical affection too, I feel like I need more arms!

I do know what you mean, fb - I would have hated ds to be horrible to ds2 but found it hard to bear the brunt too. You know the saying they're always the worse with their mummies because they love you the most? I tried to remember that, but god did I get frustrated! Time alone does really mean a lot to them, I think, ds would light up if I walked up the street with him on his bike for 15 mins! If your dh is around lots would this be possible or is it the feeding that's troublesome? I really do sympathise, it is very hard in the early weeks/months! I'm pg with twins and no idea how either of my boys will react, it could be murder! Take it easy on yourself, it is awful feeling pulled in two different directions all day but as most people with two or more on here will tell you, it gets easier to deal with as time goes on.

Twins! How lovely, well done you.

DH is around and DD1 and he are doing really well, but I still hate having to leave her mid story or game to feed baby. We are trying to express and use a bottle for one feed, but not making much progress (on the positive side breast feeding has been going quite well). I do think its really hard with your eldest - I feel everything so sharply for her and we have been just with her for a long time - its rotten in some ways being usurped like this. I'll keep plugging away with time and cuddles - sounds like a cure for most things actually.

Not sure about well done me, I am panicking major league! But still think going from 1 to 2 harder than 2 to 4 just as you say, takes a LOT of adjusting. V.hard at six weeks to be expressing as well isn't it? I used to produce 9oz a week which he guzzled in one go. What about comfy wrap-style sling so you could still read easily whilst feeding perhaps (or a ring might be good for that so I hear)?
It will get easier in weeks to come because dd2 more predictable with naps and feeds so not so many interruptions. I hated hearing myself say, I just have to feed\change/comfort ds2 17 times a day!! Sometimes I'd say 'oh, no baby wants feeding again' etc and make ds1 laugh so he felt better, sort of conspiring with me but not in a nasty way of course. Joking about the endless crying, feeding, poos took the edge off sometimes