Terrible two's - how do I mother effectively and stop being a nag!!!!

[xmummy]

Well my 25 month old DS has well and truly started the terrible two's and I seemed to have turned into a mother who had a handle on things to a moaning, miserable, tired old sod!

I would really appreciate advice from all those experienced mothers out there on how to handle my DS and myself, as nothing seems to be working! I don't know whether I should be using reward methods ie) beans in a jar or something else??? Very confused!

• He keeps smacking, biting, pushing etc, saying "I will smack you!" (we don't smack him - I have smacked him once - which I feel bad for!). We explain that this is not nice, why and he should not do it and warn that if he does it again he will be put on the naughty step. He always apologies, but it doesn't stop him from doing it later
• He is very defiant, saying NO!, not listening to requests or instructions, running away and laughing - sometimes he will do things though
• He used to go to bed so well and now shouts NO BED! even if he is very tired, then screams and cries. We have had the same routine for ages, keep putting him back in his bed with no contact, we have tried cuddles etc to no avail. We now shut the door on him as he goes to sleep much quicker than the jack in the box behavior - but I feel cruel! I think he just wants to sleep with me - this I don't mind, but my friend's 5 year old does it still and I don't want that!
• He is now saying NO NURSERY! when he goes to nursery, he has always been happy there (attends 3 days per week), but doesn't want to go. I have spoken to the management to find out what is going on, all very worrying...

I don't know if he is just flexing his muscles and asserting his independence or if there is something else the matter?

All the techniques we used in the past have little or no effect and I don't know what the most age appropriate methods are to use.I have tried explaining, shouting, sternness and rewards...

Overall he is a happy, lovable, kind child - I just want to manage him in the most kind and effective way so that grows up a happy well adjusted child....And that I also keep sane and my patience!

sorry to waffle on - but really look forward to your advice - thank you

I am not vastly experienced but have a 25 month old DS and would say (judging from my DS) that rewards and beans in a jar and stuff would probably be too abstract for him to understand.

TBH I am not even sure about the naughty step at that age - I don't think DS would understand the significance - but maybe your DS is more advanced!!

I tend to deal with behaviour like this by ignoring him (for stuff like jack-in-the-box bedtimes, shouting etc) 9 times out of 10 he is only doing it for the reaction and stops if I walk out of the room. Sometimes I will even say "I don't listen to people who shout/throw things at me DS, I'm going into the kitchen now until you can be sensible" and shut the door.

If it's something I need a quick resolution to I tend to use bargaining - not bribery exactly, but explainign what he will miss out on if he persists. For eg if he says he doesn't want to get in his pushchair to go to nursery I would say "Don't you want to play on the slide? Don't you want to see X(his friend)? Don't you want to play with paints? Don't you want to play with the sandpit?" and just keep on until he says yes to one of them (he always does eventually) at which point I say "good! Then you need to get in the buggy".

I think keep it simple, and don't argue back or shout. It takes 2 to fight, he can't argue with himself or throw things at you if you aren't in the room. Save the cross angry face for when he's doing something dangerous or really bad - like throwing at another child.

btw should have added, it all sounds normal to me! Ds has angel days and days when he is exactly as you describe and more.

I think the most important thing is not to argue back - from my DS I have found that the more I react in an exciting way (even if it's negative) the more he does whatever it is I am cross about.

Watching this thread for advice too.

Hi xmummy. I had a time like this with ds1 and it was made all the worse as I was preggers with ds2 - I was so emotional and with ds playing up I remember being in tears on the phone to DH saying ' my god how am i gonna manage with 2 I can't even manage the 1 we've got!' I think he thought he'd lost his wife somewhere!
But we did get through it. My advice would be to look at how you're managing him and be really honest with yourself - are you totally consistent? It sounds like you've tried a bit of everything (explain, shout reward etc)
When I looked I realised that I was saying and doing the same sorts of things but not consistently - I think it's because you feel like you're in a battlefield and it's exhausting - so ended up giving loads of warnings or making vague promises/threats. What I started to do was follow a really strict routine for a bit. If he's doing something you don't like tell him, and why. If he carries on tell him what you'll do if he doesn't stop - and be specific, like if you haven't stopped x by the time I count to three then I will do y (naughty step, no treat, whatever) and follow it through 1st time, no 2nd warnings. And if you do this with the little things when it comes to the bigger things he'll know you mean what you say.
I felt like a mean old miserable bag at first disciplining for little things but I did find that it worked and he soon realised that I was true to my word. This was also along side a sticker chart for good things too. As things went on I could ignore some of the little stuff.
Obviously it's an on going thing (he's 3.5now, was 20mo at the time) and sometimes I have to go back to 'zero tolerance'!
Any help?

I too have a 25 mo DS. And by heck can he be wilful.

I've found 100% consistency is the key. And pick your battles. We too use the naughty step but only for very serious naughtiness (to me that's any violence). For everything else I try to get him to do what I want without a battle and without saying "No", reserving that for dangerous things. So things like "do you want to climb the stairs to bed or shall I carry you?" inevitably results in him climbing the stairs (Mr Independence). And whinging and tantrumming gets completely ignored - I will stand up and move if he's coming towards me whinging and say "I can't hear whinging, talk calmly". When he calms down then I praise him and tell him he did a good job calming down and now mummy can hear what he's saying etc. Or his current thing "Postman Pat now" will be met with phrases like "we can watch Postman Pat after dinner", rather than an emphatic "no". I try to give him choices, both options of which I would be happy with e.g. "would you like an apple or a pear?" and this seems to help. Sometimes, if he's really getting to me then I can find grabbing a new game, a jigsaw, and throwing myself in to playing with him can help get us back on track. Lots of sympathy though!

Thank you everyone....all your comments were really helpful
I think I have really lost my way recently - I have been ill for a few weeks and have lost all patience and common sense.

I think you are all saying that pick your battles appropriately, stay calm, don't argue or reward them with your attention when they are misbehaving,be consistent with my approach, offer options so they have some control..and reward them for positive behaviour....I will be getting that sticker chart.....

Fingers crossed....x

Yup sounds about right! I find I can be really on top of this mothering lark for a while and then the boy throws a load of new behaviour at me and I have to take stock, think it through and raise my game, it's hard work!

God tell me about it....you think you have it sussed then another curve ball comes your way and thats it.....when you think you concentrate so much on reading stuff when they are babies - its when they are bigger that the tough problems start!

Out of interest does anyone have any tips on the sleeping and nursery problems?

Re reading my post i do sound like an old bag! I'd just like to add that the method I describe was used after the failure of choice giving, distraction etc when the whinging was persistent or for a one off that was unacceptable to me!
We use the corner (rather than the naughty step - you can find a corner in any room..) and started using it I think from age of 20mo. At first I would sit there with him so he didn't move away. I think it gives a chance to break into the behaviour pattern and lets them calm down from it.

I don't know if this will help but what works with my DS is giving him ownership of what he does. Sounds like a mad hippy thing so let me explain.

Like most toddlers he is mad to do things by himself. He hates it when I do things for him that he could do eg pull down his pants, put him in the buggy, etc. So we have been using a 'one,two, three' technique for ages now. I tell him what I want him to do (usually get down on my knees so my face is level with his) eg 'DS, can you get in your buggy now, please?' A shout of 'No!' is then responded to with 'OK, I am going to count to three. If you're not in your buggy by 3, I am going to put you in there myself." Nine times out of ten he'd much rather climb into the buggy himself. (One time out of ten I pick him up, screeching wildly, and shove him in there myself. He is a toddler after all...)

This works with so many things - going upstairs to bed, getting out of the bath, clearing up his toys. The trick is consistency. If he doesn't obey, you absolutely have to follow through and do what you said you were going to do. Daresay in a few months it wont' work any more but it's been our most effective technique for a while!

Hi Cakesandchocolate.....no you dont sound like a moaning sod!!! I thought your comments were great - from what everyone says is seems to be getting the balance between being strict on the things that matter and not fighting on the less important battles and as Krang says giving them the feeling of control...love the tip going to try that one!

I would do less of the talking and concentrate more on actually getting the result you want: i.e. him actually walking out of the door when he has to (hold him by the hand and lead him), getting into his bed (even if you are lifting him in), putting his clothes on (even if you are stuffing his arms into his sleeves).

If you get what you wanted but he grumbles, just ignore the grumbling/screaming etc and chalk it up as a win to you.

Eventually, he will get the message that it's what Mummy said that actually ends up getting done and that he is wasting his time struggling. But it may take time- so just keep on.

have only really skimmed (sorry) but ds is 23m and starting to assert his independence... his little brother is now 3m and we have been hrough a stage of ds1 hitting ds2. we use time out(in his high chair) and give the warning - you do that one more time and you will have one minute time out (as hes still technically 1) - he learnet pretty quickly that he doesn't like time out and now the threat is enough and for the past 2 weeks we have not had to use it. just so you kno what works with us.

Agree with the others who say to "pick your battles".

One strategy that worked for ds1 was to give him lots of choice about things that don't matter. For example if you need him to get ready to leave the house and know that he won't want to then make a bit deal of letting him choose (for example) whether to wear his shoes or his sandals. It even got the point where I always made him choose which of my hands to hold.

I like that one LTS!

we do that too LTS. Give them choice and "power" wherever it's possible to. Would you like the red pen or the green pen, would you like your blue t-shirt or your yellow t-shirt etc. Make them feel they have some control over their lives because that seems half the battle.

With nursery I would go with the chatting in the car on the way. Reiterate his routine 100 times e.g. "I'll be back to pick you up at tea time and I just know you're going to have so much fun in the nursery garden" etc etc. keep talking like that right up to the door and then do the drop and run technique. That's what seems to minimise any crying phases DS goes through (he goes 2 half days).

With bed time is it getting him to bed that's the problem? Or him getting up? Touch wood, we don't yet have problems with the latter but with the first we do the 1-2-3 approach to getting up the stairs and once up there we do games to get him changed then bath and story normally work quite well as bribes for teeth brushing and physically getting in to bed.

Thank you so much for all the advice it is so much appreciated - a real wake up call....all common sense when you read it but forget when you are in the middle of things!

cheers too for the tip on nursery, I will try it.

DS does not want to go to bed then gets up, but tried a tip from a friend (singing twinkle twinkle and slowly moving out of the room and singing it as you move away to the lounge). Seemed to work - fingers crossed for tonight

Dear All, I was so pleased to see this thread. My dd is 20mo and has become really hard work. I recently lost my mum very suddenly so have had that to deal with. I think that because I have been all over the place her routine has just gone to pot and I only have myself to blame but there has been no consistency in regards to teaching her right from wrong. She is going through a faze of if she doesn't get what she wants there and then she will through the most almighty tantrums and I have found that I just can't control her and I then start getting wound up so it is never ending circle!! I am going to try all the tips in this thread, thanks so much

I was thinking about this last night and have some more thoughts which may or may not make sense...

There is an important distiniction between the times that you are telling them off because you are trying to teach them important rules (e.g. no hitting, biting, running into roads etc) and the times that you just need them to do things (e.g., putting on shoes, etc). I went through a "too much shouting" phase with ds1 and I think it was because I had confused these two situations. In the first it is important to give clear consequences for "bad" behaviour and to be really consistent and not give in. For the second it's really just a case of doing what ever gets the end results (distracting tactics etc). Picking your battles is all about working out the behavioural rules that are important for your child to learn at the age they are. We use a combination of naughty step and toy confiscation for ds1 but I try to only use them for the things that really matter like hitting ds2. I try and avoid confrontation for the minor stuff and instead try and make it into a game. As soon as I make a big deal of ordering him to do something like put his shoes on then I feel oblinged to impose a consequence if he doesn't do it. By avoiding telling him what to do I manage to avoid big confrontation. I ask him to do it and if he does then he gets lots of praise. If he doesn't then I just try a different strategy. It doesn't always work but there is definitely less shouting in our house and when there is shouting it is usually because he has done something truly horrific!

sorry for rambling.

Thank you love to sleep - really sound advice. today I started with a new leaf and decided to pick my battles, make small of the less important issues, using distraction etc and not going over the top on the telling off - and so far I am happy to report the house has been trouble free this morning - yipee..an early start but definitely a positive step - so thank you again to all (ps - you were not rambling love2sleep)

Hi Emmywoo - i think you must be under so much stress at the moment after your mothers passing that I would not be too hard on yourself - you have so much to deal with. I think mainly my problems started because I was sick for a couple of weeks and could not cope, so got into bad parenting habits! I do hope though all the lovely advice everyone gave will make your day go a little smoother - good luck!