discipline/rewards

[spidermum]

How do you discipline/reward your children? I feel I am not being very consistent with my lot and wondered how others do it.

I discipline my 21 month olds with strict telling off and ignoring. I reward him with attention, tickling games, chocolate buttons (for potty sitting), rides on those infernal car things in the super market and praise.

I am not very consistant either really, but we are only human and we can but try!

Have 3/4 yos (both girls) and they have sticker charts. Categories include, dry pants, blowing nose, being kind, being helpful, trying hard, special etc. This works really well for us. They love the stickers, there are some really fab. ones out there. They both love fairy castle stickers and so they have to do really well for a long time to win one!

When dd2 is being a real pain, I try to ignore her. When they are whining, I tell them I can't hear unless they have a smile hiding somewhere. Seems to work, most of the time!

Thank you sticker charts are a good idea and the supermarket ride-ons too. Chocolate a sure winner. I often start with good intentions .....thanks for posting

I have a sticker chart which is posted on the door of her playroom, it is divided inot morning, afternoon and evening. Each section has items such as get washed, eat my dinner at the table, put my toys away etc. She needs to have filled all her boxes for that time of day to be allowed into the playroom. It sounds complicated but is very simple actually and does work.

I also have a book of good deeds that I carry round with me so when she does something good we write it down and add a sticker to her book. She then shows the book off to her nan or my partner or anyone she can really.

When she is naughty I put her in a corner or remove her from the situation and will not let her return until she has calmed down and said sorry.

Hmmm, breaking all the "rules", I bribe DS (3) to do things he's dragging his feet about ("If you hurry up and come round town with me, we can go to the swings afterwards"), and prevent misdemeanours with a firm command and a hard look.

He's no angel and certainly has times when he does what he likes anyway, but I have to say he sure is a lot better behaved generally than the children of friends who subscribe to the "We believe in negotiating with Joshua, and respecting his wishes" school of parenting.

I have to admit to bribing dd this morning, it wnet along the lines of watch telly downsatirs without trashing the house while Mummy has a lie in and I will buy you sweeties after school.

Sticker charts are bribery dressed up in liberal politeness. But heck if it works ...

I tried stickers and DS1 just thought I'd gone bonkers and still completely ignored me.

I 'try' and be consistent - doesn't usually works - but he's a good boy most of the time and his recent nursery 'observation' was fantastic so can't be doing a bad job.

Yes I bribe - sweets, chocolates, bread with butter (mummy's bread from the breadmaker LOL), I also reward with the same things, and of course those blooming supermarket rides.

Just realised where I'm going wrong with dd - I don't reward her for good behaviour! How bad am I! For naughty behaviour we make her sit on the stairs - or put her into her cot. However, she is becoming quite rebellious (at 2.5!) When asked to put her blocks away she repeatedly refused to do it - then took to balancing them on the side of the box so if they fell in, at least she hadn't put them in herself! And that's at 2 - what is she going to be like at 12??!!
Think I need to reward the positive though. Think she would respond to stickers!

I think bribery is a bit of an unduly loaded word. I use it myself jokingly, but I think we often think it is wrong to offer children incentives...but we ALL respond to them. It might be a payrise at work, or just a good appraisal, or a bottle of champagne for helping to land a new contract, or a 'thank you that was delicious' after cooking a meal, or a thank you card from a friend or buying someone a drink because they've done you a favour. We also reward ourselves all the time - eg I just had a skinny latte and a sunrise muffin in Sainsbury's Starbucks as my reward for doing the shopping. So yes, I do treat my son as part of making his life pleasant and rewarding. I don't really do punishing (unless I am in a vile temper and lose it, and then it really is about me and not him). He's a pretty easygoing little chap, but as a teenager I used to look after other people's children and did that without punishing either. I do ignore undesirable behaviour as much as possible, and when he had a biting phase at about 18months, I would put him out of the room briefly as a kind of super-ignoring, which seemed to work. And I really do praise a lot - 'good walking!" "I'm really proud of you for helping me today" "You are jumping so well!" etc etc etc. Treats aren't just for exceptional behaviour, I do try (and I know I must sound so pleased with myself - sorry!) to give 'treats' quite a lot (a story, a visit, a lollipop) but not just as something that has to be earned all the time. I think my stepdaughter and my son have my dh's laid-back personality more than my more fiery one though, so what works for me might well not work for others. And it's not all good - laid-back can be infuriating too!

BTW I would probably have either left the blocks or done it together as a game. I'm not saying leaving things is always the right response, but I have a crap time if I am in conflict with my son, so it's a selfish impulse too.

We have time out, so dd has to go to her room, or sit on a chair and stay there until she says 'sorry'. She is very stubborn and so this can go on for some time, but I am also very stubborn and she doesn't move until she says sorry. Sometimes yelling at them works, if you want them to get a move on, or counting to 5 before they get punished.
To reward her I give her praise, or I will read her a story after she has tidied her toys, or she will get a biscuit after she has eaten two more pieces of broccoli, etc.

I did try the sticker thing, once, but I kept losing the stickers, and then I would forget to buy replacements, plus she would wear them for days and they would all attach themselves to the washing machine eventually.

Whatever reward, punishment your child responds to is best for them. Just because time out works for my kid doesn't mean that it will work for yours.

Oh and I agree with Aloha, treats need to be given regularly anyway, and ignoring them is often the best kind of punishment (which is what time out is all about) because then their bad behaviour doesn't give them the attention they are seeking.

i'm with aloha on this. lots of little treats ease us all through life. it makes for a happier ds & a calmer mummy. except of course that i'm pregnant & it was cold in the park today & i wanted to go home. you get the picture.... but i think you can definitely get into a downward spiral when you shout & punish them & they get more & more defiant. long live lollipops .

It's cold in the park and I want to go home? It's suddenly Lollipop Time! And the Lollipop shop is on the way home, funnily enough....

With DS we use sitting on the step for punishment. But these days its very rare. We also threaten to count and sometimes start to count but so rarely get beyond 2 (only count to 3) that he doesn't get landed on the step! As a reward for good behaviour we give him money () which he puts in his piggy and saves for his choice of toy. Also might do odd one-off special treats for a hurdle that he's overcome (eg 74p Asda motorbike for putting face in water at swimming lesson). Plus do other treats just for the sake of it - a cake in a cafe etc.

our lollipops are AT home aloha .

I agree with Alhoa too - everyday when DS1 gets home from nursery he gets either lollipop (smug mummy with 'vitamin enriched' ones from the chemist LOL) or an ice lolly (not so smug mummy with Tesco value ones probably full all every E number and additive under the sun - but I've never looked), and a hot chocolate (warm milk with a tiny bit of hot chocolate powder in it). DS2 gets given a couple of biscuits (using chocolate bourbons) to keep him quiet.

For that I get a relatively quiet and peaceful time between end of nursery and dinner time - when daddy 'takes over' - if he's naughty he doesn't get. It's a nice little treat for him, he knows that part of the reason he gets it is for being a good boy and nursery and walking home nicely.

They also get treats at other times too.

Dd hates it if I point at her when angry - often all I have to do is to threaten to point and she stops the naughty behaviour!

We have the naughty step too, which works well

Rewards are easy, she loves lollipops etc

I LOVE the pointing thing! That's SO little girl. It reminds me of my friend's only-just-turned three year old who says, "Don't speak to me in that tone of voice"! She's a miniature diva.

We've always done 'time out' when DS is misbehaving, remove him from the situation, usually he has to go to his room and 'think about what he has done' when he was younger he'd whinge on and cry but soon learnt and now he always comes down and apologises! He's never been a very 'naughty' kid though anyway. My friend has a really 'naughty' son and she started to use a sticker chart and he improved alot!
One thing I've learnt though is that you can't give kids false threats, like if you say 'if you don't stop that I'll do such and such' then you don't actually follow it through, they'll never believe you, make real threats, too many mums just give in to kids when they moan on, then in future they moan on because they know mummy always gives in if I moan!

CD my DS is like that about the counting. "Don't count at me, I'm going" etc etc.

I know it's a bit simple but we allow dd to have chocolate or a biscuit if she eats her meal.
She became really fussy not so long ago and it was all down to eating c*!p during the day so we just stopped it.
She get's one treat a day so if she eats her lunch we'll give her some chocolate and the next day we'll do the same but at tea time. We did'nt want her to think that every lunch time she would get chocolate.

I praise everything, good walking, good staying in the middle of the path, excellent teeth cleaning today, clever boy holding mummy's hand. I'm a music teacher so I am skilled at finding something good to say at least 3 times in half an hour! I had a boss who didn't say anything nice to me for 2 years and I ended up throwing my own tantrums out of frustration, so I understand how it can happen.

Less nice things (biting, throwing toys, second cup of water tossed out the highchair) I lift him up (he loves to walk) and pop him in his cot silently. Then I say matter of factly "we don't bite/throw things/etc in this house" and leave him for a short while. I don't give warnings.

I can hear him in his cot saying "no throwing, no throwing, no biting in house, no biting mummy, sorry now" and then I go in and we do a different activity.

I'm like Aloha, I don't expect him to leave the park without the promise of something better, but at the moment going into his car seat seems to be the bees knees.

I always make him help with putting away toys if he wants to play with a new toy, can't have lego and little people out at the same time we'd break our necks. I put his last toy away for him at night after he's gone to bed. You can't do this stuff when he's tired and past it.

Ds hasn't worked out that those car things in supermarkets go. He just sits and twirls the wheel until I ask if he's ready to "help" with the shopping.

My tip would be to keep a lid on the number of "rewards" you hand out - children simply grow to expect or feel "entitled" to them. Of course, my boys do occasionally get sweets etc if they've been good but it's more than possible to overdo the "positive reinforcement" or whatever the psychologists are calling it this week.

Punishments vary, but the "nuclear deterrent" is a dose of mummy's ruler with their pants down.