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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Why doesn't my dd get asked on play dates ?

14 replies

cheltenhamgal · 30/06/2008 14:03

My dd is 8yrs old and she never seems to get asked on play dates. I realise that it is harder for me to get to know the other parents as I never see them, I drop off my dd at a breakfast club and pick her up from the after school club. She is first there and last to leave. I have asked other children round to play but they have never returned the invite - my dd goes to Brownies and Ballet as I thought it might help her socially. She hasn't mentioned anything about it so maybe I am worrying unduly ?

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moopdaloop · 30/06/2008 14:13

people who do 'play dates' are home after school - they ask children their children want to ask or who they know because they see them in the playground - your child is looked after the whole time that play dates would naturally happen

I think you're worrying unduly

titchy · 30/06/2008 14:13

Maybe the other parents assume she wouldn't be able to come? TB(brutally) honest, quite often if you don't know the other parents you're not going to get your dd being asked for playdates. She may not be bothered about it, but then again she might be, but doesn;t think to vocalise it.

Having friends round and going to other people's houses for tea is such a huge part of my dc's life that i really can't imagine how lonely it must be not to have that, particularly as your dd is first in last out. I am fortunate in that I was able to choose to reduce my hours to can accommodate all the after school stuff - are you able to do the same? Or maybe somehow get yourself known amongst the other parents?

TeeBee · 30/06/2008 14:14

Probably for the reason you state that you are not there to talk to them. My little boy is friendly with one boy in his class but because he is never picked up by his mum, its a total pain to be able to organise anything. And a lot of our play dates happen very ad hoc, i.e. pleading on the way home from school. Also, maybe the other parents are aware that she goes to afterschool club so, again, another barrier to her getting invited. But if she's not worried maybe you only need to deal with it if it becomes an issue for her (would she tell you do you think?).

If you invite other children over, could you maybe get to know a few mums by inviting them over for a coffee as well. Then you could bring the issue up.

thirtysomething · 30/06/2008 14:18

invite other kids over at the weekend? Maybe a few at a time? that way you have time to chat to the other mums when they drop them off? I find a lot of kids do playdates on say Saturday afternoons as after-school time is so busy.

HuwEdwards · 30/06/2008 14:22

I really wouldn't worry.

You DD has plenty of time to socialise with other kids in breakfast club and afterschool club and ballet and brownies.

She's probably more than happy to have some time at home with you!

I can only 'do' friends round to play on a Friday and I limit it to once a month - hate them!

HuwEdwards · 30/06/2008 14:24

sorry, should elaborate, I don't hate the children coming round per se, I would just rather not have other kids round on the only day when I can do the 'mum' thing with my own.

Unfortunately, they don't share my feelings!

Original poster

cheltenhamgal · 30/06/2008 14:30

thanks for all your comments, and I never thought of inviting the other mums too lol. I am unable to reduce my working hours anymore than I have already and my dd is usually good at telling me about any problems. I did invite one of dd's friends a few weeks ago, she came for a sleepover but so far no return invite has been issued. I did ask her if she wanted to invite any of her ballet class but she didn't seem bothered.

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Original poster

cheltenhamgal · 30/06/2008 14:31

you know HuwEdwards that thought had never occurred to me..... that she is more than happy to have me to herself

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Fennel · 30/06/2008 14:34

I've found it's varied massively with my 3 dds how many playdates they are invited on. One dd is very outgoing and confident and she has always been invited to lots of playdates and parties. Her shyer quieter older sister gets invited less often. and dd3 is somewhere in between.

I only pick up from school on one or two days a week but there are ways of organising playdates - dd3 (4) is very friendly with one girl whose mother I rarely see, but I put a note in the book bag and arranged a playdate that way. but that only works if your child has names of friends to invite.

HarrietTheSpy · 30/06/2008 14:37

cheltenhamgal
I totally sympathise. I'm not sure I have that much advice to add, it's more to let you know you aren't the only one who feels like this!!! I am currently on maternity leave so now in a position to organise more playdates for my DD. I think it does often come down to how well you personally know the mums. DD has previously had nannies - a couple of the mothers were happy to meet up with them, but most didn't bother and DD got cut out of stuff. She has also, I've discovered, not been invited to a few of the most recent birthday parties. I have been paranoid it's me the mums don't like actually... We are moving schools in Sept and I'll have a term to get to know the new ones, so I'm hoping things will improve and that maybe whatever relationships I establish the new nanny can continue in Feb.

At 8 though, maybe your daughter could take the lead on this (DD is 3.5)? Do you feel like she's not asked friends round because she's not sure it would be convenient? I would be tempted to ask her if there's anyone she would like to invite round and take it from there. Did you invite people she suggested or children of the mums you knew the best, relatively speaking? Because it's also the case that the mums that I LIKE most or know best are not necessarily DD's closest playmates. So, again, I would chat to your DD first and see what she says.

Original poster

cheltenhamgal · 30/06/2008 14:41

well that might be an idea but I don't actually know the families so I suppose I was just being over cautious. The other problem I think is that my dd goes to my mum's in Cheshire in the school holidays so isn't around when some of the other children get together

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titchy · 30/06/2008 14:49

Surely she doesn't go to your mum's for the whole holiday? TBH summer is difficult unless they have established friendships as people are on holiday at different times, so group things don't tend to work. It might be worth suggesting something for other holidays though e.g October half term

Original poster

cheltenhamgal · 30/06/2008 14:51

well not quite all of it, nearly four weeks this summer ! bless my mum - thanks for all your suggestions

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Fennel · 30/06/2008 15:29

Another thing we have done (we moved twice in the last couple of years so have had to make new friends at 3 schools already) is have quite big birthday parties and invite a lot, that way you get to know the parents a bit, and also, if you're organised, you get their phone numbers. which I save so that when a dd does want to invite someone round we have the phone number.

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