DD just got hit by another child and made to apologise to hitter-I feel so bad for her!

[Ilovebunting]

We've just been to a friend's house and had a really nice time until it was about an hour before home time. The other child then decided she wanted dd's toy (dd had brought it from home as her friend only has one of said item, so it meant they could both play with them at the same time). Other child punched dd between the eyes and there was a big red mark, but her step-dad said it was an accident, so I asked dd to go and play by herself for a bit. The other child then came over and hit her on the head with a toy hammer as hard as she could (I saw it this time and it was no accident). DD cried, obviously, the child's mum asked what had happened, and the dad said "She is making a fuss, she thinks our child hit her but she was miles away" . The other child then decided she wanted dd's toy again so scratched her down the face and left marks and grabbed her hair so that she couldn't move and screamed in dd's ear as loudly as she could. Dd then went to tell the child's mother as she thought this was unfair and the dad yet again said my child was being unreasonable. My dd also had bare feet at this point and so the other child jumped on them repeatedly in dressing up shoes and my dd was made to apologise to said child for upsetting her in her own home!!!! We then left as I couldn't take any more-my child is not dosile by any means but would never hurt another child on purpose. I never want to go back there again-the mother is lovely but the father is ridiculous!! He is new to the household so probably thinks he should be taking the child's side, should I tell the mum what he is letting her child get away with? This is not something you can make excuses for surely?

got to say... i don't really understand why you let him make your dd apologise. what were you saying at the time?

Think I'd have left when things started to go pear shaped tbh, let alone when asked to apologise. How old are the children ?

I had gone to the loo at that point as I was getting ready to leave anyway, and emerged just as she was apologising-I saw the marks on her feet and asked what they were and she told me. I asked him why she was apologisng and he said she was in the other child's way and shouldn't have been there so needed to say sorry.

They're both 5-I know I should have left earlier but thought they may settle down as they had been playing so nicely. I feel rotten for not going earlier now!

seconded Aitch.

Horrible for both of you, but don;t understadn why she was expected to go through with it - just mind-boggled

ilovebunting..sympathies from me as i find it very hard to be assertive in most situations...and have been in your position many atime.

i wouldn't go back there either!

I'd have made it very clear to the other adults that my child was not at fault, and there is no way I'd put up with them being made to apologise to a child that had just got away with hurting them.

Be prepared next time - your child needs to see that you will stand up for them, and ensure they are treated fairly when necessary.

okay, got it now. He's a knob isn't he. Can you not speak to your fiend and get her to make him give an apology to your DD - with her DD watching?

Good advice from Bette.

mag- i like that.... thats' a great idea

The apology was already out of her mouth when I was coming down the stairs, but I did tell the dad that I thought that was very wrong as soon as I found out what it was for (in front of the children), and told the child to apologise to dd, but the child just walked off, and I was too desperate to get out of the house by then!
Our group of friends tend to be a fair bunch and will always stand up for the wronged child, whether it is our child or not, which is why this has totally thrown me!

does the mum normally deal with these incidents more sensibly?

I agree with Bette - no good saying it on here, you need to say it at the time so your dd knows you will stick up for her, and so she learns how to stick up for herself.

sorry , there would be no next time for me . Child is old enough to know what is acceptable behaviour, in her own home or not, and is being truly indulged so unlikely to change attitude whenever he is around to reinforce it.

oh that's a pain. and also rather indicative that he chose to behave that way while you were otherwise engaged... prick.

i take it you've had a good chat with your dd and said that you're sorry you didn't step in earlier, and that you feel she was treated unfairly and would never have let it happen if you'd known more.

aside from that, i'd avoid the lot of them from now on, sounds like a screwed-up step-family situation in the making.

The mum is great-she knows her child is a handful and stops any bad behaviour, but my main dilemma is whether I should tell her that the new guy is letting her child get away with it-he's just about to move in so will be more in charge of discipline, but she is totally besotted so may fall out with me.`

keep well out of it, bunting... just don't go there if he's there.

We've had a good old sit down and talked about it, and she saw me warn the child on the other occasions, so she knows I was in her "corner" so to speak. I am so glad I'm not going mad-I felt like i was in some parallel universe or something!

"He is new to the household so probably thinks he should be taking the child's side"

I think you have probably analysed the situation correctly. I don't think I would say anything to the mum unless she brings it up - I think it must always be difficult for a new step parent to find their feet with step children and I would imagine the mum is aware of problems, even if she doesn't know about this particular one. It must be difficult for the child as well which might explain some of the bad behaviour?

If your daughter still wants to be friends with this girl, I would try to go to the house when the step father isn't there/see her at your house/ go to the park.

It sounds as though you did stand up for your daughter, so she knows that you are on her side.

Thank you all so much for your help on this-it's always a bit of a tricky thing not to offend the other family! Dd has said she doesn't want to go again, which is fine! She used to be incredibly difficult and it has taken four years of total vigilance to make sure she is at a stage where I can be confident that she'll be ok in most situations, so am always aware that just walking away is against her nature (she has my temper-he he!), so feel really bad when I know she is being so restrained and the other child doesn't have to (I know, I'm taking her side too much now! )

Dont make excuses for him or the mother, and to be honest the situation was escalting out of hand way before you went to the bathroom.Your poor daughter. Dont put her in that situation again,.