Help!!! My DS 2.2 is out of control

[Angiebabes]

Please please please, can someone give me advice.

My DS who was 2 in April has turned into Damian child, he has gone from going to bed at 7pm and sleeping till 6.30am, to going to bed at 7pm waking up a good few times through the night SCREAMING the house down for Daddy or Mummy and wakes at 5am, my DH and I are both exhausted. Changing his nappy is also a performance, he kicks and screams, making it very difficult to change him, same sometimes, when trying to put clothes on him.

He was also a good eater, that has changed too, refuses his food, saying "no no" then throws a hissy fit if you try to persevere with it. He wants lifted constantly if you are out without buggy, walks for a bit then demands "up". I had SPD during whole pregnancy, which never settled and am now walking with crutches, and have been told not to lift DS, which is not easy when he is throwing a fit!
We took him out yesterday to a Brewers Fayre type family friendly place, with softball play area etc, kicked off in middle of restaurant, and I felt like everyone in the place was looking at us, (they were tbh!) this is a normal occurance if we go anywhere for food...(not that we eat out loads of times, but when we do it is a nightmare) I just feel he is controlling us, so are we meant not to go anywhere cos it doesn't suit him???? Grrrr!

He throws tantrums and screams at the drop of a hat, and it is stressing us both out, he has gone from being the best baby you could wish for, through to a total screaming, kicking, horror of a child.

But here comes the bit that winds both me and DH up....when he goes to his Gran's house, he is perfect angel, goes to bed normally 7pm or earlier, eats like a horse, no hissy fits, and sleeps thru night till 8am, some mornings has to be woken up.

Why is he like this with us???

Please help, before we go off our heads!

Most of this sounds like standard 2 yr old change to me, but just wondered - given that he's calmer at his gran's - whether there had been any changes in your house/family at all recently?

For me, though, FWIW, the most important coping mechanism was realizing this was all ok, normal, even healthy and necessary behaviour on the part of my toddler...not anything bad I had done, and certainly not anything dreadful about her

After that, all the MN tips on consistent, calm, limit setting, piles of ignoring bad behaviour and praising good, looking out for flashpoints of hunger/tiredness etc helped me through. It really truly is a phase, though it can feel like eternity.

Re feeling controlled, sometimes just deciding to back off and not do the worst case scenario things (eating out etc) for a while will help you feel more in control again - its you who's deciding - I found the worst place to set calm and loving limits with a screaming toddler is a restaurant!

bump

Find ways of working with him rather than expecting him to be up for whatever you consider to be ordinary civilised behaviour. He'll get there when he's ready, but there's no point having a battle about it IMO.

For whatever reason he's not settled alone at night at the moment. Go with it. Sleep on a mattress on the floor of his room. Bring him into your bed. Whatever it takes for everyone to have a calm and sleepy night.

Same with nappies. Go nappy free and bottom half nekkid as much as possible. Do nappy changes standing up. Spend lots of time in the garden where he can just wee on the grass (damn, I wish we had a garden...)

Put food in front of him but don't make an issue of whether he eats it or not. Make sure that things you know he likes are among the mix. Allow for him to get most of his nutrients through snacks for a while - lots of toddlers are like that rather than big meal eaters. Just let go of that whole Family Meals Are Sacred expectation - he'll join in when he's ready.

Always take the buggy with you when you go out! If he's walking, then use it as a shopping trolley. In another year or so, you can start taking a scooter or one of those push-along bikes out and about, but at 2 I'd be expecting a child to need the buggy on anything more than a tiny trip.

And I suspect it's different with Granny because she is so enraptured with this child who she loves to bits but isn't responsible for that she really pays attention to him, responds to what he wants and needs rather than what she thinks he ought to be doing, doesn't nag him to eat but just drinks in the joy of being with him... I certainly take lessons in loosening up, playing, going with the flow from my children's grandparents.

Am watching this thread with interest as dd is 2 next week and is complete tantrum monster.

She will not go in buggy ever, no matter how tired. I am sick of dragging it everywhere with us, so ditched it about 4 months ago. She walks everywhere now

Mine's a bit like this - same age too. I put him back in bed every single time, and sleep on a mattress on the floor in his room if necessary. He's basically stopped getting up now. We have stopped going to restaurants with the kids (he's youngest of 3) except for a really fast pizza. He will also only eat 3 different things - the doc said it doesn't matter, and just to give him some vitamin drops (easier said than done ) and wait for him to grow out of it.

When there are tantrums at home I just ignore them or change the subject. If out, we just go home. It's best either to be completely firm and make very clear that there's zero chance you're going to give in, or give in instantly. Don't waver for a bit then give it - that's a real tantrum (and later, wheedling and whingeing) encourager.

can i ask all mums out there, Is dad around and if so do you both agree on all behavioural issues, i.e. do you both stand for the same thing and say no for the same reasons or are you fighting against each other. do the kids play you off against each other. Please remember that tantrums are a part of growing up however they need not wreck your whole day, deal with the issues and move on, Dont scream at me am not saying its easy but things can improve if little important pieces are in place.

He sounds like a typical two year old to me. My DD2 was 2 in April and is doing some of the same things as your DS - she started her tanutrums at 9 months though bless her

With the waking I suspect he is over-tired. My DCs always wake more at night when they are too tired (sounds weird but it's true). I would make sure he is getting enough nap time during the day. If he wakes at 5am do as much as possible to keep him in his cot (assuming he is still in one). We have extended DD2s lie-in by putting up a black-out blind and putting her back to sleep when she wakes as we would if it were 2am. If all else fails we have resorted to chucking some small toys and books into her cot and leaving her to it (nothing too big or she'll use it as a ladder to get out!).

We found changing DD2 on an change unit seemed to make her submit to having her nappy changed so try a change of scenery for nappy changes until you find one that keeps him still. It's a phase they grow out of if all else fails.

With regard to getting dressed we went for 'no breakfast or toys until you are dressed - worked a treat for all the DD1 and 2.

My DDs suddenly ate a lot less when they reached 2. If he isn't keen on eating then I would say just don;t force it - he won;t starve. Just make sure that what he does eat (snacks etc) has a good nutritional value.

Don't give in to his requested to be carried whenever he wants when you are out. I let DD2 chose walk or pushchair. If she chooses pushchair she can take her toy with her, if she walks she can't. If you suspect he won't be able to walk the whole distance then give him a choice that gets you the pushchair option each time eg which toy do you want to take in the pushchair with you, which shoes do you want to wear in the pushchair - anything that makes him think he chose the pushchair option.

Keep going out - don't take any notice of anyone who may look at you when he has tantrums. It's a perfectly normal thing that all children have to go through in order to develop. Staying in as a result of his tantrums is only going to make you pretty miserable and effectively hand control over to him. DD2s tantrums are sonething else, she lies down in the middle of the shop / pavement / road and screams, kicks, hits etc. With much practice I have learnt to ignore them whether we are a home or out - it's very liberating. I get lots of looks when we are out and she is kicking off but I ignore it - after all she does it 10+ times a day so perfectly normal for her. I just make sure she is safe then carry on. I have just had DC3 and couldn't lift her during a tantrum. If she started while we were out I would (wherever possible) just carry on walking and say 'well I'm going to X now, are you coming?'. As soon as she started to follow again I'd stop to let her catch up.

It's not that he is good for his gran, it is that he is naughty for you - the reason why is that he trusts you, he knows you will love him whatever he does and that makes him feel safe enough to test the boundaries (which is what we all need to do). All this is a sign you are doing a good job!

Sorry for mammoth post - he's probably three by now!

Nappies and getting dressed, I just distract - works for dd2, worked for dd1. I tell stories, or (at appropriate times of day) put DVD on, or just talk fast.

And I change dd standing up, when she really won't lie down.

Agree with working with them, and choosing your battles....let them have control over some, smaller decisions, and put your foot down fast and clearly with big important ones. Google is right though, giving in fast is ok - hesitating and dithering is fatal.

Thanks everyone for all your comments, I agree with you Big Bad Mousey, if we stop going out, he has won, and then what happens in a few months when we re-start going out, and he kicks off cos he has not been used to it, he is after all, 2 years old...who is the boss in this house.....him or us?????

He gets to eat things I know he likes, he is not a lover of red meat, so rarely eats that, apart from spag bol, or the like, he loves fruit and veg and fish, so its not like I am trying to get him to eat stuff he dislikes...Just trying to get him to eat was the problem!!!!

We have been thinking that he is going through a development phase, as his speech has increased so much in such a short space of time, and I think he is getting into a tantrum cos he cannot express to us what he wants, in the past week things have improved a lot, and he is sleeping till 6.30/7am now.

When I said about him walking I didn't mean he was walking a distance, I am talking about walking minimal distances, he wants carried everywhere...and some days he kicks off when you try to put him in the buggy....can't win really!

He eats like a horse at his Gran's, and this I find unbelievable, as it's a struggle to get him to eat at home.

The joys!