Please please help me with my volatile ds...

[Tarka]

My ds is just 5, he's a lovely, bright, sensitive boy. But I am so concerned about his behaviour. He lashes out at us, physically and verbally, and also verbally at his sister. He gets into the most INCREDIBLE rages; its getting so that I am walking on eggshells most days, I'm so scared of his rages, and to be honest, so is he. He frequently hurls things at me, thumps me, scratches me, all the while yelling and screaming, often just because he hasn't got his own way over something. (I try not to say no unless I absolutely have to).

To give an example, today, after swimming he came home, was being perfectly nice, and was playing nicely with his younger sister. They had made a den. Then, suddenly, without warning he pushed her out, saying "you can't play, I did all the work, I don't want you." I told him off for this, which then prompted him thinking up the worst possible things he could say to me - today it was "I'm going to kill you, I hate you, I wish you were dead". This type of incident happened around three times today. Its fairly typical. He often seems to snap at the most trivial of things, and goes from 0-60 in seconds.

I find it so upsetting - I would say that its definitely impacting on our lives. When he's calm, we have a wonderful relationship, although he can be demanding, he is very good company, and I like spending time with him, and do give him as much 1 on 1 attention as I can. He seems to be quite a "deep" personality, and I sometimes wonder if he could be depressed?? Is that possible in one so young? Also, he has had a few problems at school (reception) recently, with friendships, but his behaviour has always been like this to a certain extent.

Please can anyone give me any ideas as to how to cope with this, or possibly recommend any parenting books that might be of use?

Also, does this sound within the range of normal? He has had hearing problems in the past, and although his last test he was passed as being ok, it was borderline.

Tia. Sorry this was so long.

"He frequently hurls things at me,scratches me,..yellingand screaming,often just because he hasn't got his on way.(I try not to say no unless I absolutely have to)

Tarka,we all have different parenting methods and maybe you would see me as being a harsh overbearing parent but if my ds hit out at me he would be told off and given some time out.I think hitting etc is a no-no.I also think that saying no is NECCESSARY sometimes.Just IMHO though.

Good luck xx

I'd really recommend this book. A lot of children with this type of behaviour can have some sensory processing difficulties and Stanley Greenspan is a real expert in this field. I've found the book described ds3 to a tee (he's 'defiant') and gave practical ideas.

I wouldn't let anyone treat me like this, especially not a 5 yr old. Truthfully, you are doing him HARM by letting him get away with such terrible behaviour. You are there to be his parent, start by setting boundaries, no means no, naughty step etc. If he wants friends you need to help him to help him self by instilling in him resonable boundries other wise he will end up a lonely miserable man.

Wrinklytum - I do tell him off, in no uncertain terms if he does this, and he does go to his room- the problem is, it seems to have NO effect whatsoever. He often laughs in my face (the laughing is hollow tbh, I know its because he is frightened of his own temper), and putting him in his room is an enormous battle, involving me carrying him there. He is a tall, strong 5 year old - this is no mean feat.

Then the whole thing will happen again. He seems unable to control his rages.

Oh really Jimjams? I've not heard of sensory processing difficulties...I can't click on your link for some reason. What's the book called?

Oh thats difficult.I didn't quite know how to word my first post as it sort of sounded as if you were not challenging the bad behaviours.It may be well worth looking at the book JJHLTY has reccomended.Do you think that the behaviour could be related to hearing disorder??I do think taht they all test the boundaries at this age (ds is 4.5 and no angel!) but it is obviously impacting on your life.Do you think a paed referral would help in terms of excluding hearing/procesing issues?

We have no evidence that the OP does not tell her son off, wrinklytum. But if you have a child who goes into violent temper tantrums it may not be possible to get across to them while the tantrum is still going on. (Time out only works moderatly well for a child capable of kicking his way through the door as my db once did- in his bare feet, ouch!.) I have experience of two children who have had rages like this (my db and dd)- and they both used to work themselves into such a state that they simply could not understand what was being said to them. They needed to be restrained to be safe and for other people to be safe. Yet neither of them have grown up into aggressive or anti-social people (well, dd is only 11, but a very mature, very kindly person).

The first thing you must do, Tarka, is to make up your mind not to let your son see that you are afraid of him. That in itself will frighten him badly- he needs you to control his rages until he can do it for himself. After all, you are bigger and (hopefully) stronger than him.

I would hold his hands if he tried to hit me. Standing behind his back and holding his arms firmly but gently is a good idea- that way he won't reach to bite (as long as you use his arms to move his mouth away from your hands!) and you can put a gentle leg across his legs to stop him kicking. All the time you repeat calmly but firmly: 'no, I'm not going to let you hurt anyone, no I'm here with you and I am not going to let you go until you've calmed down'. Then once he has calmed down, be reassuring and cuddle him- but don't give way on whatever question provoked the tantrum!! And keep insisting on family rules! Do not lower your standards for fear of tantrums. And don't sink to his level either- lashing out yourself.

Casperghost - I take your point, but I'm honestly NOT letting him get away with this -it is always dealt with, there are always consequences for the behaviour. The problem is, it doesn't seem to have any effect. When I said that I try not to say no unless I have to, I just meant that I pick my battles.

I am afraid you may have to resign yourself to the enormous battle btw. Speaking as one who has done it with a tall 9yo (though this was under rather special circumstances- am not suggesting that your ds is likely to still be doing this when he is 9- there were serious problems here).

I repeat, you must not let him think you are afraid of tackling him because of his physical strength. If you can kid him now, you hopefully won't have to do it when he's older. Practise your godlike demeanour.

ok Cory,point taken,that was why I was sying in second post.I wasn't trying to be awful to the OP I really hope that the OP can find a solution.Your post imparted good advice.No offence intended to you,Tarka.

If you can't carry him to his room, just stay and restrain him wherever you happen to be. Once he has worn himself out you can walk him to his room.

The challenging child by Stanley Greenspan- should have been an amazon link.

Cory, same issues here with time out - ds will trash (and I do mean trash) his room if put into it. He would also kick the door down. And yes, he too is unable to understand what is being said to him at the time.

Your point about not showing MY fear is a good one. It occurred to me that he "checks"
my response, and if he sees that I am scared (and frankly I am at times), he becomes worse, screams louder, fights more etc.

Wrinklytum, I think it COULD be partially linked to the hearing problems, but I'm not convinced. I'd say he has always been a "tempestous" character from very early on.

(it's about NT kids). Great book.

Thanks Jimjams, I will get that book. Desperate now for some calm in our lives.

No offence taken WT

Cory, that sounds like a better solution - carrying him now not really an option tbh. He is heavy!