My behaviour is disgusting-feel like I should give dd's dad full custody

[Ilovebunting]

I am coping less and less with dd's increasingly difficult behaviour regarding some issues, for example brushing her teeth and eating. She is incredibly difficult to get to bed at night, to the point where we tend to go to bed at the same time. I am exhausted and have bought books on parenting, but don't have a spare minute to read them, let alone put them in to practice, and just screamed at her so loudly in the bathroom while trying to get her to brush her teeth for the 4th time today (she hasn't yet brushed them!) that I shook myself to the core, let alone her. She went rigid and ran away, then called me a brute when I finally emerged from the bathroom. I am no longer able to cope with her on my own, but her father would not be a good full time parent-he drinks daily, cannot control his spending to the point where he is continually evicted from properties and would forget to take her to school. I can do all those things but am unable to cope emotionally with her. She is a very good child, it is just the day to day, behind closed door things that have ground me down too badly.

Oh you poor thing, you sound exhausted and stressed out.

I've not got any experience to offer but a couple of suggestions for help:

Parentline and Homestart might be able to offer you some support.

I hope you feel better soon, you sound at the end of your tether.

How old is your dd? Sounds like you are really struggling bunting.

I have 2 dds, the oldest is 4 and at times they can drive you to real frustration and despair. Sounds as if you are having no time at all to yourself. You seem to be trapped in this cycle of ineffective shouting and yelling and both of you get and

Do you have a Health Visitor - may be the first point of contact. You need to get some help in rl. With the right help and support you will be able to change things. From what you say this seems to be what you would like to do, rather than sending her to her dad? (which imo would be a bad move)

You need to stop this cycle by accessing some help in rl. Hope others will be along soon with more advice. x

You poor girl I know just how you feel. How old is your DD? My DS is 3 and often drives me nuts by ignoring me or not doing what I ask him to do, and I yell too. Everything that is bothering you is made worse by sleep deprivation: can you get some time when someone else is looking after her (like, for an afternoon) to do something relaxing and enjoyable for yourself? That may well make things easier to bear.

could you ask the gp to refer you to family counselling. I suspect that this refusal to go to bed is her way and showing you she is not happy about stuff and perhaps if this was all dealt with then the behaviour would improve. Is it all attention seeking behaviour perhaps?

I have made a lot of assumptions in posting this such as your dd is sad/unhappy about the split/not living with her mum & dad, her dad seems a bit useless and she is perhaps picking up on that etc etc.

These are just my gut reactions but perhaps worth thinking about.

Does she see her dad at all? Do you get a break from each other at the weekends, for example?

I would echo the idea of Homestart - your HV should be able to put you in touch with the people you need to speak to. No other advice i'm afraid, just huge amounts of sympathy, they drive you up the wall don't they? (and i'm not a LP!! )

Thank you all. Am taking her to her dads now, so will have two days to read parenting manuals, and am taking her to the docs on monday anyway as her constant refrain for not eating is "I've got a tummy ache!" (although it soon clears up when I get on it dessert!), so am just checking there is nothing in it, so will asked to be referred to a HV then. DD is 4 1/2, and a lot of out rl friends have the same problems, but all have great partners that will step in when it gets a bit heated or will take the dc's out on a saturday etc, and that is the bit that is really grinding me down! xx

Is she at school yet bunting? Are there things you do together that you both enjoy?

It's horrible when you get reduced to yelling but I think it probably happens to most mums at some point or another.

She sees her dad sporadically-she'll see him two weekends and then nothing for a month, and then maybe one weekend, but he refuses to come and get her (we live 250 miles away) so I have to take her to him, stay with friends and then pick her up, so don't relax at all-if I didn't do that she would never see him. We spilt when she was born as I couldn't cope with the drinking, so the split is nothing new to her, but she does get worse around seeing daddy time.

i can second that IF - if all else fails i always find myself throwing my hands up and demanding "Why?" of ds! Like he's gonna answer!

Have you got "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen?" I know there's a good thread on here somewhere about it, will try to dig it up for you.

You don't need to be referred to the HV, bunting. Just call them - their number is in your red book, or the GP's surgery will give it to you. They may be able to give you some advice, and will almost certainly be able to come out and see you.

Give HomeStart a call as well. They can really make a difference.

teeth etc are a hassle at that age.

Instead of telling her - try saying which one do you want to do first - put on shoes or clean teeth (for example) - that way she gets to be in control a bit.

And bedtime - tell she can choose say 2 books to read before she goes to sleep - and let her choose to lay down while your reading or after you finish.

That way she doesn't get to argue about the end point - that is a given expectation - but she has some control over how you get there.

Be knid to yourself - kids are exhausting about the trivia of everyday life !

Don't let manuals stress you out bunting. I suspect you're a great parent who just needs to get away and let off steam more often than the opportunity arises. I think that's normal, but very difficult without back up so you can get yourself some space sometimes.

Would having regular, arranged support like a family member or friend taking your daughter for a few hours a week be helpful?

Aah a 4.6 yr old. I have one of those. She threw a full blown tantrum in Boots only 2 days ago, and this morning the levels of cheek/backchat ended up with her on the naughty step (which I hate before any mnetters shout at me). It was either step or scream at her.

At least twice a week when my dh comes home I disappear off upstairs to get away from it all before embarking on dinner.

Regular breaks and some sleep would work wonders initially, as would talking it through with someone.

here you go - not sure if she is a bit young yet though.

pick you battles.

honestly.

I know it sounds harsh but no main course. no pudding end off.

Also I'm a firm believe that sporadic visits to an absent parent aren't healthy in the long run.. for me it's structured or nothing for young children.

my dd doesn't see her father at all and seriously she couldn't care less.

The routine things that they have to do and which they find intensely tedious - dressing, teeth, going to bed, are always the ones where you crack I find.

If I'm in the right mood I can make it fun or a race or something. Sometimes I'm just tired and I want dd to get on with it. Mine's nearly 6 BTW but has only really started the endless procrastination business in the last few months.

I"m with MoH on the food. If dd won't eat her 'healthy' course there's no 'treat' course. It worked wonders with her when she was about 3 and the rule has stuck.

Sounds to me like you're doing OK Ilovebunting. My DD's nearly 9 now, but I had to scream at her quite often to get her to do things like, oh let's see, get up, get dressed, brush teeth, hair, shoes, coat (most things that didn't involve play or food - and of course only if it was the right food!). I asked one of the mums at school (dd was 6 by then) how many rows she had to have before her dd was ready for school, she said 'ooooooooh, 9 or 10 probably!'.

DD is fastidious now. Not because I shout at her though. The biggest thing was when she had to have a filling.

Don't knock yourself. You're fine.

Ilovebunting , please don't be so hard on yourself, this faze will pass, Has your DD ever had a toothache? Because believe me once she has she will look after her teeth.

Have you tryed a star chart, have you spoken to the HV? Is their some reason she is upset about going to bed?

Sorry not much help

My DTs are similar age and I'm having the same problems with them.

They wont sit at the table to eat, they pick over the food, they wont go up to bed when told, wont get undressed... I get fed up of listening to myself nagging and moaning!

Call her bluff - ie too 'sick' for main course, she can't have pudding. One of mine refused to get undressed for the bath so I put him in with his clothes on.

Its tough even when you have someone else who can take over. I really feel for you doing it all on your own though.

Its def worth speaking to HV even if it just to get it all off your chest.

dont be hard on yourself bunting, we all have times like this.
when my ds was this age if he wouldnt brush his teeth i used to tell him well nothing with any sugar in this week then! and if that didn work your teeth will go black and fall out then how you gonna eat the mars bars your dad likes to feed you?
usually worked