not joining in, and school play problems. 4yr old DS,

[izyboy]

This may sound a bit crap, but I am feeling somewhat down about it.

My 4.2 yr old DS does not really like joining in structured group activities, particularly when he is asked to mirror or act upon an instruction, he either refuses or just 'stands there'. Occasionally he will do it.

Today was the school play, all parents are there so it was in front of quite a big group. However he was the only kid who refused to say his line. Apparently he had been saying it in rehearsals. He has intimated he was 'scared' - but this may have been us putting words in his mouth and he was saying them with another boy.

On the weekends we have been taking him to football to try to encourge him with structured group activities. He does have big peaks and troughs with energy and it quite a big boy.

I dont know if it is confidence, concentration, diet (we are vegetarians) or just 'being 4'. Any shared experiences or thoughts?

As a teacher Ive had lots of experience with this type of behaviour. Usually about 1 in every class at Reception I would say. I think they do tend to grow out of it, or at least the worst of it, but for some children having to perform singing/acting etc is their worst nightmare.

I think forcing them to join in is probably counter productive, although gentle encouragement to join in an activity they like (like the football you mention) is a good idea.

I think some children are just more self conscious by nature and this should be respected.

Its a difficult one because in school they really do need to just 'join in'. I will get his hearing checked as he seems sensitive to loud noise, he also gets tired alot but enjoys 'unstructured' running around.

He joined in the singing today, just really seemed a bit 'blank' when it came to saying his line. Felt a bit sad for us both 'cos all the other kids seemed so 'sparky'.

my ds is exactly like this he is only now just growing out of it, he will be 7 in August. I found it very hard and quite upsetting when he wouldnt do his 'bit'. But pretended not to notice and clapped the other children when they did something.
He still sometimes just refuses to do something or join in but he is not as bad as he was.

It was difficult to know what to say to him afterwards. I have a feeling that I probably asked too many questions about it, putting him on the spot.

The other issue is that this is a Welsh speaking school, we are English speaking (although I am Welsh) he goes to this school because it is our local primary. However I think the language thing is a bit of a red herring as it is a 'pattern' of behaviour.

my ds1 was like that and suddenyl he wasn't!
i was mega worried about him and now in the last couple of months he has gone from billy no mates to the boy all the girls want to ahng out with.

It is early to worry, honestly.

I always went on about things too much afterwards. I should have just not mentioned it or maybe just said "it was a shame you didn't want to say your bit"
last time he wouldnt join in I just said to him that if he didnt want mummy to watch him I could stay at home. It seems he is worse if I'm there

I suppose I worry about the 'blankness' I don't think it it a hearing or cognitive problem as he seems ok otherwise.

Also if I am secretly honest I was embarassed. (Thats awful isn't it!!)

Hes 4 hes still v young and its going to be a bit harder being in a school that doesnt just speak 1 language,when ive had little ones that find it difficult theyve helped in other ways with shows and things and took a little bow at the end (one incident was fruit gums for jewels on the kings crowns at the nativity i think my helper tasted more than he sruck on lol) next year might be a compltely different tale he will be a whole year older and what a difference a year can make.

Not aweful izyboy - my dd1 (4.10) is like this too. Look up 'Highly sensitive child' book on Amazon, it has really helped us, and things are improving. In a nutshell though, don't push him into things, rather just praise what he does feel able to do (eg actually going up on the stage, which is scary in itself).

Sounds very similar to 4.3 yr old ds. Sometimes he just doesn't want to join in. For him it's definitely not a case that he can't do it, just that he doesn't want to. He's not shy, nor lacking in confidence generally. Just doesn't want to join in at times.

I try not to make anything of it but just go with what he wants. He's always done everything in his own good time and I expect that this will be the same though. I sort of understand him as well as I'm not much of joiner-iner either. I do it because I know it's expected but would rather not often, so I guess I'm not in a position to complain about him!

I do understand the bit about feeling embarrassed too. I find myself often wanting to explain his behaviour to others and make excuses. I don't, and I know they don't mind actually but I do feel a little bad about it.

I was really embarrassed when DS2 (3) decided not to particpate at all in the Christmas singing and just stood there looking cross and sad and blank all at the same time (and throwing the jingle bells on the ground). DH and my father and I were blushing and laughing at the same time. And I get really embarrassed when he refuses to talk to grownups who are being nice to him and throws a tantrum when they try to jolly him out of it. I can't really get to the bottom of why he does this but I know things are worse when I comment on it, and I think he will slowly grow out of it. Sometimes I think it is attention-seeking behaviour; sometimes the opposite in that paying too much attention provokes it. I am trying to ignore it atm, and concentrate on how loving he is to me, and all his other good points.

He is also a big boy, and I don't think that helps because other people think he is older and expect more of him than he can cope with - and are more judgemental when he behaves badly. It makes me wonder if he feels a failure when he doesn't live up to expectations and so won't try at all.

As you can see, I have lots of ideas about it but not much clarity!

Another thing, it helps my dd when I remind her that all the other parents are only watching THEIR child, not her, and I am only watching her! Usually there is some nice mother around who overhears and confirms that this is indeed the case, she is only interested in her own dc!

Thank you so much for your thoughtful messages I am feeling alot better now. I am all for kids to have freedom to be individuals but school seems such a 'sausage factory' sometimes lol.