8 year old ds struggling with friendships - anyone else had this?

[Bobbiewickham]

This might be long, but not sure what else to do.

My ds2 is coming to the end of Y3 at school and he is still struggling to make proper friends.

Up to the end of yr2 he was happy to play alone in the playground (or so it seemed) and seemed to find it hard to join in established games and friendship groups.

However, it has started to bother him that he doesn't have many friends.

We invite children to play all the time and he gets invited back and they play really well and get on fine - but he can't seem to translate that to school.

It makes it more difficult that he is not interested in sport, doctor who, war games, or anything else other boys are interested in - and he seems to have made the decision not to be.

We want to encourage him to be himself, but we are worried that he is going to end up being bullied or just really lonely.

What to do? Buddy benches,etc haven't really helped so far.

The sad thing is, in ICT they had to do a presentation about themselves, and nobody put his name under "My Friends". He just put "everybody".

Poor man. I feel for him...and it must be excrutiating for you. Have you talked to the school about it? Maybe they can help with boosting his esteem with the rest of the class. Any teachers out there with any practical ideas that Bobbie might suggest to her DS' school?

The thing is, most of the time he is a really happy boy. He has a great sense of humour and he gets along fine with kids who come to play.

He just seemed to opt out of playing with other kids at school at an early age and now can't seem to find a way back in.

What does he play with the friends that come round - maybe they could play the same at school?

You really need to speak about these concerns with the teacher and find out if they have ant strategies in place already

We have, and the teachers reckon that they do their best and that he is making some headway, in that he does join in occasionally now.

Part of me thinks it will have to come from him - nothing can force him to mix, nor can we force other kids to play with him.

The games they play at home usually involve bikes, trampolines, climbing frame, etc. A big empty playground seems a different kettle of fish.

Tis hard.

Just a thought, Bobbie: is your Ds interested in any of those playground swapping games, like Pokemon or Yu-Gi-Oh or Match Attax? Or the new Bones thingy?

I think becoming a bit of an expert on those can be a way in for non-football-loving boys.

Well if he's suffering emotionally then more needs to be done by the teachers whether they like it or not. Quote 'every child matters' at them. What about a circle of friends?

Please try not to stress too much - the other boys must like him or he wouldn't get the invites back to their houses.

Agree with Porpoise that he might need a 'prop' which will link him in with the others. My DS is also a non-footballing Y3 (he would play but he's no good so they won't let him) so he takes a toy without fail every day - hot wheels car, crazy bones etc. I'll bet he gets there in the end, but hard to watch, I know.

Thanks guys. I don't think he's not liked, it's just that he seems to have this 'loner' label that he doesn't know how to shake off.

Every year I think, maybe this year will be different, but it seems to be a long slow process.

We'll keep plugging away. Not easy, this parenting lark, is it?

Would he be interested in doing an after-school activity, Bobbie?
That might be a less daunting way of gently building up friend-making skills away from the home environment.
The school playground can seem awfully huge and complex.

He does computer club one lunchtime a week, but not a lot of interaction goes on there.

We can't seem to get him interested in swopping games, etc. It sounds mean, but I sometimes feel frustrated with him, because he doesn't seem to want to help himself. I am concerned that he will start to see himself as a victim and this will lead to bullying.

Oh, he's a lovely boy. He deserves lots of mates