I bullied my son into doing something on Saturday and felt incredibly guilty but I still think I was right

[OrmIrian]

Anyone who has read my posts will now that I'm not exactly Mrs Authority when it comes to my DCs . Apart from teeth cleaning, regular baths, homework and politness I tend to let things go. And forcing my DCs to do anything they don't want to really upsets me but this weekend I did.

DS goes sailing most Saturdays now. He has missed a few weeks due to camping and parties etc but he went this weekend. He had to be up by about 8AM which is a problem in itself . But with some effort I got him up, fed him and got him in the car. When we got there it was clear that all his mates had been every week and had advanced a lot. DS is quite shy (inspite of the bravado) and refused to get his lifejacket on or speak to any of the instructors to ask what to do). He sat down with a sad look on his face and refused to move. So I made him do it. I actually threatened him with removal of pocket money and various other cruel and unusual punishments and got cross. Eventually I spoke to an instructor and DS unwillingly got his lifejacket on. He hung around looking unhappy for ages until he found someone he knew. Spent the rest of the morning feeling guilty. As it happens it was a good thing - he had the best time and is desperate to go back next week and will be in a two-man boat without an instructor. So a success but I still feel a bit doubtful.

Problem is that I was so like DS as a child - so shy I would avoid doing anything. And I missed out. I regret it so much now. I was shy, had very few friends and no interests outside the home. I wish my mum had forced me to do more things (I'd never admit it to her of course). Which is what gives me the fire in my belly to insist with DS.
What would anyone else have done? I can't shake the feeling that a hobby should be voluntary

I think you did the right thing. If he'd had an awful time, then your guilt would be justified, but he's had a great time and can't wait to go back. So your guilt is understandable, but not justified .

DD1 does a drama class after school. The timing is a bit awkward - too long a gap between school and the class to hang around, but not long enough to do anything meaningful like a quick park trip. So we come home for a snack and then walk round. Every week she says she doesn't want to go and every week I have to persuade her. I know she loves it - she has a fantastic time and her teachers all say she's one of the first to join in with everything. It's just that staying at home playing with her sisters is the easy way out .

did you pay for a course? then he bloody well does it. end of story.

gah! get some metal .. you, ... you... you mother you

Same here, same here. I did this to my DS1 recently about cricket. My dad takes them once a week (DS2 goes aswell). DS2 is more sporty and loves it, DS1 finds it hard but I got cross, insisted he went as he gives up stuff so easily.

He is still reluctant but generally comes home saying he has enjoyed it.

I think you have to do this now and agagin

you did the right thing. ds had tennis & karate each week, and every week he moans & doesn't want to go & we gently insist & waddya know, he loves it. he is younger than your ds1 i think orm, he's 6.5.

It sounds like you did the right thing in this case.

However I was a very shy child and my parents (Dad in particular) used to bully me into doing all kinds of things and generally be ashamed of me for being so shy (found out later it was because he had been the same as a child!).

I found it all v. miserable, especially when I was being forced to go and play with people who didn't want to play with me.

I think activities are ok, there's always something to do so you're not left out but I'd be wary of forcing social situations (but I'm sure you're not!)

Thanks. It was just so awful seeing his face when he realised I wasn't going to capitulate and let him come home. It took me back to my childhood. He did karate and cricket for years and then gave them both up about a year ago inspite of enjoying them - basically i think it become too much like hard work .

twig - no I pay for each session seperately. So no financial excuse.

haventslept - that is awful . But I hope my DS is a bit different - he enjoys the sailing when he gets there. I can hardly be ashamed of him for being shy as I was and still am to a certain extent .

I think that's the difference OrmIrian.

He's really just not wanting to do the activity because he was out of the habit and couldn't be bothered.

And he did enjoy it.

It's different to the situation I was describing - although my mum did used to make me do certain activities but I am glad I did those ones, as I said, if you have something to do, it doesn't matter if you don't "fit in" or feel awkward.

I was a very shy child and I would say that you did the right thing. It becomes easier the more you have to do things. As an adult I still have to force myself to do somethings. I would call what you did encouraging (even if it took a bit of a shove) but if you did it week after week it would be called bullying.There is a fine line-but I don't think that you will cross it because you are already sensitive to his feelings.

No - you did absolutely the right thing. And he enjoyed it! Sometimes we worry about being shown up in front of other people, and it seems to me that he was concerned about that, having missed a couple of weeks.

We have exactly the same with DS1 and his cricket. He sulks about having to go, but does enjoy it when he's there. We make him go because it's not only about him but it's also about commitment to and consideration for other people - he is part of a team and not going will let them down. And as he's been playing for the same team for 7 years, we think that this commitment is something he has to respect.

I think you did absolutely the right thing. The more practice we get at having to do these things, the easier it gets. I have a 3 time rule with my kids, ie anything they've asked to do, they have to go three times and then if they really hate it we review it.

definitely did the right thing. I was the same as a child (and still am now)

Would you be able to talk about it with your ds? Maybe chat through how hard it is sometimes to throw yourself into somehing when you are feeling shy, but in hindsight, how great it is when you do? And how it is worth the initial discomfort (which is hard) because the reward is so much greater? (and it then makes it easier the next time, as you've already doneit once...)

I've found that if I get into the habit of forcing myself to do stuff (whether activities, social stuff, even toddler groups) then I find it easier to face up to the next activity/social thing etc. If I let myself not go to things, and hde away at home, then it is much harder to go to the odd thing.

I think given that he enjoyed it you did the right thing. I can remember my mum making me do clubs that I didn't enjoy(like a tennis club where everyone was better than me!) and i can't see the point in that.
I must admit I sometimes have to 'persuade' my DD1 go swimming but she enjoys it when she gets there

I've done the same thing - for the same reasons (ds1 is very shy, so was I as a child, and I missed out on so much by being too shy to have a go). Ds1 is mad keen on football - but I've had to 'bully' him into trying out outside-school groups because he's been fearful that he wouldn't be good enough/wouldn't know anyone. Every time he's gone...it's been fine and he's loved it (unlike his mother he seems to have natural sporting ability - but like his mother lacks the confidence to go with it).

I have talked to him - I've tried to convey to him the lesson it took me over 30 years to learn: that yes, it is scary, but every time you do something new and scary it gets a little easier...but I'm not sure you can change someone's fundamental personality that much. But if I have to push him to do things he's unsure about from time to time then so be it. I agree with everyone who's said it would have been different if he'd hated it - but he didn't, so it was the right call.

We do this with ds and Cubs, about which he is sometimes very diffident. A lot of what they do is about physical confidence and that's why he is hesitant and exactly why we want him to persevere. He does love it when he goes though.
I think you did the right thing OrmIrian.

Thanks for all the responses. Gut feeling was that I was right but it still made me cringe.

He spends hours on his skateboard and his BMX and is getting very good, but does nothing 'formal'. Is it too young to start worrying about what he'll put on his CV ? When I went to university I had nothing to put in the 'hobbies and interests' section - apart from reading and walking which sounded so lame.

Yeah but OrmIrian, no one really takes that hobbies and interests section seriously. I've interviewed hundreds of people and the only thing I used it for was as an ice breaker, to make people feel at ease. I never thought: "hmmm, I've got 2 really good candidates here, one's got the experience we need, but the other loves windsurfing and is captain of the hockey team, I know who I'm going to pick!"

I still wouldn't have anything to put in there. I was shy at school and did go to brownies, guides etc but that was it. I also wish my parents had encouraged/forced some kind of additional activity. It's so good just to have some kind of identity outside of school. I think though, that although we shy children want our children to not be as shy, maybe we have grown into the fab adults we are BECAUSE we were shy and had to learn those lessons. So maybe it's not so bad in the long run after all ...

Don't they wishing? I wish i'd known that. I really thought it meant something Another reason to feel indequate. I still want my DS to get involved. His sister says yes to everything. She throws herself into life. I envy her TBH and I so want the boys to be like that.

I didn't want to make you feel inadequate! Just that it is information that really doesn't mean much or give anything away about a person's character and can never be verified unlike qualifications and experience, so you can't really take it too seriously. Surely this is the section where most people lie. How many of us claim we love to travel when we've had a couple of weeks in Spain, and are avid readers suggesting we are literary geniuses but actually have just finished reading Jilly Cooper for the 20th time (maybe just me that one).

Thing is, just cos your dd throws herself into life, doesn't mean she'll be happier than your ds or grow up to be a more well balanced adult than him. They're just different that's all.

Nooo.... not you! I saw my lack of hobbies as a reason to feel inadequate! Not your helpful post.

And he actually reminded me about sailing this morning. And about measuring him for a wet suit! They sell them second-hand at the sailing club but I only usually buy him clothes by age so I need his chest measurement (I think)