34 month old's screaming tantrums driving me to distraction!

[AndreaNZ]

Help! My DS of 34 months has got into the habit recently of screaming at the top of his lungs when things don't go his way. Attempts to reason with him/calm him down are pretty much fruitless - it's almost as if he gets locked in the behaviour. We've tried ignoring the behaviour, reasoning with him, offering him rewards for good behaviour, putting him on the naughty step (he jumps straight off!), and yesterday (after several warnings) resorted to a light smack on the bottom which didn't affect the behaviour one jot and just left us feeling lousy and shell-shocked. We're at our wits end as to how to handle it...he's a great kid the majority of the time (aren't they all!) but the screaming seems to touch a raw nerve with me and I'm afraid I'm going to end up screaming back at him. Any suggestions?

I would consistently ignore it, he'll get bored or end up with a sore throat. Don't respond or give him any attention while he's doing it at all. If it really gets to you pop him in his bedroom for time out. The naughty step didn't work with our ds1 but time out on his own in his bedroom works much better. He gets the chance to calm down on his own without necessarily feeling rejected and abandoned. He's allowed to play with toys or look at books we make no rules there but we do go back after 5 mins (or when he's calm) and do the whole talk it through, say sorry and move on thing.

I do believe that for some kids there's a point where they lose control completely and need adult help to help them regain that control. That may be putting them in their room or sitting holding them and talking calmly and quietly, you have to figure out what works for them. Punishing them at that point with the naughty step/spot or shouting etc achieves nothing except an escalation in the bad behaviour.

hth. the screaming sucks but from experience if you can stay calm the whole episode ends much more quickly

Thanks for this. Your advice has really struck a chord with both me and my husband. Funnily enough, just after I made the original post we had another short screaming session as he attempted to put on his own shoes (initially with not much success) - I resisted the temptation to step in and help and just allowed him to struggle, shriek as much as he wanted, and (eventually) he got the shoes on. It was worth the wait - he was high-fiving me at the end!

Thats fantastic Andrea what a confidenc boost for your DS.

I've had much the same with DS1, he gets very frustrated and cross very quickly and we've also found that if we stand back and let him figure it out while ignoring the noise, he usually gets there. We do step in if he's making complete pigs ear but usually with an 'OK lets stop, calm down and start again' approach so the we're not actually doing whatever it is for him. Builds his confidence and gives him the chance to figure out how to manage his own frustrations.

I've had similar with DS now 36 months. I've just been reading tons of books and describing the emotion he's feeling at the time seems to work a fair amount, so along the lines of "I undertand that you're frustrated, angry etc etc, and wouldn't it be nice if we could go and get an ice cream if the shop was open, what's your favourite ice cream, or let's try and do it together. How about I put the start of your sock/shoe on and you do the last bit/straps or whatever.

Best book I've had for this kind of thing and much much more is HOw to talk so kids listen and listen so kids talk. www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/0380811960

Doesn't always work but seems to take the edge off his anger 8/10 and it lasts much less time etc.