aargh! dd, 3.4, so horrible on playdates she and I will never make friends

[mrsshackleton]

Last week posted how I was feeling a bit lonely as wahm 4 days and therefore never belong to the sahm or mums with friends from work club. Got lots of lovely advice Decided to be very proactive and arrange lots of playdates for this week, which I have of.
However had bargained without dd1 doing what she always does on playdates which is freak out if the other child wants to play with any of her toys and usually start hitting them, before having hysterics.
She did it this morning, driving a mum I hoped to turn into a better friend out of the house within minutes.
She's done this before and it really upsets me because I think a) she will end up with no friends and b) I will end up with no friends when she hits their kids. She's done it over the years to my best friend's dd to the point where we no longer meet at home because it's too stressful. Is the answer always to meet in parks etc where they can;t fight over toys (though they still fight) or has anyone else got any advice. Thanks

Does she go to nursery? how is she there? Can you prime her beforehand and hide the toys she is most protective of and find things that are good to share -eg dolls house, similar dressing up dresses, one each, two my little ponies or whatever? And you must be proactive in helping her share - ie no slacking off for coffee and a gossip () until she gets the hang of it!

And stop panicking! She's only three. Also ensure she is not tired and full of food when you have a playdate. All three year olds are a NIGHTMARE when they are tired or hungry. Maybe do an activity instead of just letting them play - eg sit down with them at kitchen table and do colouring together or make cakes and then ice and eat them.

As veteran of many a violent playdate , I would say that as long as you are seen to be dealing with any behaviour which is really out-of-line (punching, biting etc) then the other mum should be ok with it. And pre-playdate, ask DD what she DOESN'T want to share and put it away together. Anything else is fair game!

Maybe you've overwhelmed her with too many playdates. Start with one or two a week till she gets used to the idea. No point in freaking her out with lots of them if she can't manage just one.

Planning is the way to go. Have lots of contingencies - a shared computer game and an agreed limit to the number/types of toys she can get out at one time. Find out the other child's interests and plan play around that if possible. And keep the dates short to begin with - an hour might be all she can handle if she struggles with sharing.

When it's over, give her an agreed reward if she copes. Be supportive if she's struggled, let her know that mummy will help her.

she is at nursery and apparently is quiet and shy there Certainly no monster.
I think you're right that preparation is the key plus no slacking off - booo emoticon
It's so difficult because you can't blame them for being furious when another dc grabs their toy and won't hand it over, I'd be cross if a guest to my house picked up one of my things and held it tight to their chest. So in some ways I don't blame 'em but obviously you have to teach them this is the way the world works. Much easier when we visit other people's houses and it's not her toys, then she's quite cooperative

I find a shared activity (cake decorating/colouring) is really useful when kids start getting territorial with their stuff, which as you say, is not always that unreasonable.