Neighbour's DD using shocking language! How do I deal with this?

[babypowder]

My neighbour's DD is 8, and plays regularly with my DD. Today, after she had gone home, I found that she (neighbour's DD) had scrawled 'Fucking Bich' (sic) on a bit of paper in DD's room.

I know I'm quite naive, but this has genuinely shocked me. I don't expect DD to go through her life without being exposed to bad language (even I have been known to mutter FFS under my breath and out of earshot), but I just didn't expct it in this context and at this age. DD is only 6, FFS

So, do I mention it to her mum or not???

I would give the paper to her Mum and say that while you arent sure of the reasons behind it you'd rather that she didnt repeat it.

Her Mum will probably be mortified but it will prompt a conversation.

Thanks, EV. I'll give it a bash tomorrow!

Is this the mum with the alcoholic mother?

Personally, I would mildly correct bad words uttered in my hearing in my house but the emphasis is on mildly. I imagine that I am always going to be the strongest influence on my children, so as long as I have control over my language I think they'll probably be all right. But it does mean exercising self-discipline. If your dd's friend has heard these words from the lips of her nearest and dearest, you can't blame her from using them. And of course whatever your dd hears from you, she may well repeat in front of her friends' parents- probably the most straight-laced ones in the neighbourhood .

However, in this case I'd keep an eye on the little girl as it is a possibility that she is spelling out something she has heard spoken aggressively, maybe to her mother? She may have written it down because she is frightened. It's the bitch bit that sounds slightly worrying iyswim.

And if there is even the slightest potential of an abusive situation going on, I would not mention this to the mother. You could get the girl into a lot of trouble.

Bad language can be a sign or something bad, or a sign of nothing at all.

I took my kids and ds1's best friend out in the car, had to get something from in a shop, so left them in the car (don't all jump on me, was an agricultural supplier and was just a case of going into a kiosk to pay).

When I came back, ds1 said 'I know lots of new words that my bf has just taught me - fuck, shit, bugger, bloody, arse'.

It took a few weeks of 'I don't want to hear those words, I know you know them, but I don't want you to say them' and he now won't say them. Even if provoked (as in 'say the f word, go on, say the f word'.

Ds1 was 6 at the time - it seems to be the age they 'hear' the words. But I agree, the 'bitch' element is a bit more alarming, but could be nothing sinister at all.

My ds has Aspergers so has limited ability to control himself with swearing. Whenever he hears a new one (and you're right tortoiseshell, once they hit a certain age they're hearing it all the time at school) he'll look for any opportunity to say it.

I always admit that I swear too but not in front of people who wouldn't like it, thus respecting their choice not to hear it. I tell ds "Would you say that word in front of your teacher?" and that's a good rule of thumb for whether or not it's appropriate.

Because of ds's need to acknowledge swear words I've just got him a little notebook so he can write them down and keep them for himself, but he's not allowed to say them in earshot. That way he gets the satisfaction of knowing and using the words but not so that it causes offence or upset to anyone else.

Let's face it, most of us do swear but the problem is more about boundaries and respect than the actual words.

I spoke to neighbour this morning. She admits that she uses language like that in front of her children, but she was shocked that her DD had used it and, worse, written it down. There is not a hint of abuse between neighbour and her DD, but as a family they do have a lot of issues to face.

I've spoken to DD about it, and she advised me, quite calmly, that she doesn't know any other 'bad' words, but thinks there might be one beginning with 'c' (BP is to her little puritanical soul)

Anyway, neighbour and I have agreed that we are going to keep an eye on the situation, and neighbour is going to moderate her language in front of her children.

Phew - good result all round