Really need advice - DD1 crying her eyes out cos she doesn't want to die

[DiscoDizzy]

What do I do, she's 5 and quite a sensitive soul and she's been like this for over 45 minutes. I've tried to help her, cuddle her in, distract her by talking about funny things but it all comes back to the fact she doesn't want to die, doesn't want us to die. She's really upset, crying uncontrollably. She has asked me if she's going to die? What do I say? Saying yes is a horrible thing when she's so scared, saying no isn't the truth when she knows that people do die. Someone come along with their ideas so I can help her. I don't know what's spurred this on and neither does she but i'm getting upset for her and don't want this to be a feeling she gets. At the mo she says she can't stop thinking about it

You're going to have to distract her - it's no use trying to come up with any sort of explanation now as she's too upset.

Get her in the kitchen and make chocolate milk, stick her wellies and a coat on over her pjs and walk down the graden to water the flowers, anything.

or even get the calendar out and plan when you are going on holiday.

preferable something that she will engage in and that will remind her that she's got a long way to go before looking at death.

you'll have to be really imaginative and pick something totally random - and get on and do it - there's no way she'll be able to keep wailing whilst walking down the road with you.

late night then!

had it with dd2 a week ago - a tiger on the tv had an operation and died, which brought on similar reaction and link to everyone dying. once we managed to change the subject it hasn't recurred - yet.

Thanks for replying, i've tried distracting her in so far as talking about the things she likes doing best which was going on rollercoasters, so we talked about that for a while and had a giggle, then there were tears again. I've left her in her room to see if she'll go to sleep thinking about fun things and i'm going to have a sneak in a few mins in the hope she's gone to sleep. If this continues tomorrow though, what on earth do I say to her? Like I said this isn't the first time she's mentioned it, but it is the first time she's been quite hysterical.

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probably worse becasue she's tired and school tomorrow etc.
hopefully it will be a bit calmer in the morning and if she does want to resume the discussion then you can manage to get through it before hysteria sets in! it's a frightening thing for adults to grasp!! we just stick to the 'long time before you have to worry about that' line - most kids go through a brief period where death is a favourite topic, so it's quite normal to be a bit obsessive for a time - hope it doesn't last long!
fingers crossed for no more tears!

She's asleep thank goodness. If anyone has any suggestions as to what to say to a child who continues to ask questions on this subject and won't let me skirt around the issue, i'd really like to hear them. They're very direct questions and i'm afraid of the answers never mind relaying them to 5 yr old DD.

I also had this with oldest. In the middle of the night. I got in bed with her and tried talking it over, saying yes but in a long, long, long time etc... She was inconsolable. In the end I did say she wasn't going to die. We both knew it wasn't true, but she wanted the comfort.

My DD is like this, she is also 5, very sensitive and obsessed with when we will die. An old man who my mum looked after died recently and he was nearly 100, the only thing I could think of saying to her to settle her mind was that we die when we are 100 . She now asks how long it is until we are 100. I didn't want to say to her that sometimes people die young because unless it happens to someone we know, I don't want her to worry unnecessarily.

Disclaimer - not advising you to say this to your DD!

One explanation NOT to give her is what my SIL said to her DD, when asked by her "Mummy when do we die?" she replied "We will die when you are a big girl". Everyone tells her DD that she is now a "big girl" as she is 4 (obviously not realising what her mum has said to her) and the poor child is terrified her mum is going to die. Not much thought went into that, did it?!

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Have a look in the 'Bereavement' topic there are book recommendatons for children about death and dying.

Discodizzy I have been going through this for the last few days with my DS of 4.5. He has seen a lot of death in his little life already (my adored father's death affected us all deeply)so lying to him has never felt like an option. I stroke him and say "every living thing dies ....the flowers, the birds,animals, people...it's part of life. Nobody wants to die but you have a long, lovely life ahead of you". I also say, if he gets tearful about me dying, that it will different when it happens, that he will be a grownup with his own wonderful family and children. I remind him that although I was very sad when Grandpa died I had (his) Daddy to comfort me. Above all, I just allow teh feelings and try to give comfort without feeling overwhelmed by my own sadness at his behaviour.

I hope that's helpful. I'd love to hear if you discover any new tips when dealing with your dd

my dd first encountered death at age 3 she was very matter of fact about my grandmother dying until my mum told her a lie thinking it would help, my nan died of a ruptured ulcer which we were going to tell dd1 was a stone in her tummy, unfortunately my mum told her she was hit by a car - I don't know why she said this but my dd1 was scared to go out of the house for two weeks! eventually dd1 told me why she was scared - my mum had not told me she had said this and apparently said it to make dd1 stay away from the edge of pavement, we dealt with death in the end by saying everybody has to die but we never know when normally the person is old but she had heard another ds talking about his little brother who had died the week before she asked why babies died I took bull by horns and said we are normally old when we die but sometimes people are too poorly to live on earth and go to heaven to live with the angels but only when the person is happy to go and live with the angels she has since encountered at least 5 more deaths but is able to understand and not be scared of death

eventually you could have a discussion with her about what different cultures and religions believe happen after death. she could then develop a comforting answer for herself ?

I think you tell her more about death, what somw people believe happens next, what does she think happens, perhaps talk about people that you loved that have died and how you feel about them (try to stick to old people). I talk to my boys who have known about death since Montessori preschool topic covering it, we talk about the cycle of life, how we are babies, grow up fall in love, have babies, our children have babies etc, and they usually get stuck on wanting to marry me!!
My oldest ds when 4 said what happens when we die? not religious I gave him a list of belief systems and asked him which he thought was best, being an animal or person again, being an angel, being a star... 'no, mummy... you can't be a star as they don;t have hands!!'. He also thinks God is Morgan Freeman after seeing Evan Almighty!!

Hi DiscoDizzy - I have been though this stage with all four dcs at the same age so the first thing to know is that she will stop worrying about it as suddenly as she has started! In the mean time, dd4 worried so so much that we explained that no one really knows but many people believe that you get born again and come back to live on the earth again. It soothed her, without making too much of the idea, and pretty soon she stopped worying about it. I have also told her that most people die when they are very very old, their body is tired, and they just have had enough of living so it is time for them to leave their bodies and go to heaven. Some people die because they get very sick and their bodies cant be mended, but mostly people die when they are very very old and wrinkly and grey and worn out, and that its so far away that she would be a grown up with children of her own by then.

DiscoDizzy, if you subscribe to any form of Christian belief, I find 'heaven' is quite a comforting concept for where people go after they die. It also helps explain to young minds about where babies are before they are born. It also allows me to say that if I go to heaven (ie die), I will always look after dd from above.

I of course use 'heaven' in the loosest way.

Agree with Sal. DD stopped worrying as suddenly as she'd started. That was my point really. They take in what they need at the time. At a good time, we talked about the cycle of life, and how people die if they are old or ready or are really ill, but not for a long, long time. That's still a partial truth isn't it? And you just hope they don't have to find out anything different.

Even if they do find out different, you can still do a lot to help them.

Ds was 6 when his beloved swimming instructor was murdered. He went through a bad patch then, and was even mildly self-harming. I found what helped was: cuddles, distraction, teaching him to take out his anger on a punchbag and giving him a special code word so he could let me know when he was feeling bad (he wasn't allowed to talk about it publicly because of younger cousins).

I am a Christian myself, but extremely shaky on the subject of the after-life, so have preferred not to tell him too much, except along the lines of 'some people think this, some people think that'. I think there is some sort of security for my children in knowing that I never tell comforting lies; if I don't know something I'll say so.

The year after that, one of the boys in a class above him was run over and died. He coped better this time- partly because it was a genuine accident, partly because of the help he had had before.

Ds is now 8 and his best friend's Mum- a lovely lady whom he's known all his life- is dying from cancer. This time he is able to concentrate his energy on supporting his friend. Of course he is sad and upset (so am I) and of course it is scary that somebody my age, with so much left to do in life, is dying- but he sees there is something small that he can do to help and that helps him. Which is the best comfort most of us get in life.