Concerned about my 7 year old's behaviour and handling frustration

[SIMPLYLOVELIES]

I'm really struggling with my 7 yo DS behaviour.

To give some background.... we are a "blended" family, myself, DH, 2 DS (together) & my DSD who lives with us full time. DSD was 50/50 between us and her BM until around 3 years ago (she's 15 now) when she came to live by choice with us full time...... that lastest around 9 months but she remained at School in her BM's town around a 25 minute drive from our home........ anyway we had some issues with her rebelling, started vaping really just being a typical pre teen girl but BM was also in her ear and poisoning her and anything went at mums house so she literally upped and left one morning, dropped at School and she didn't come back...... this caused major issues within the family including a breakdown of relationships with DH parents and wider family..... naturally this affected our 2 DS who at the time were only 7 & 4........ we kept them out of it but of course kids sense things and they weren't seeing grandparents as often (never stopped from seeing anyone for the record). Things got very messy and 6 months later DSD came back however, she chose to stay with the grandparents for a period of time... no problem and we have since rebuilt and DSD is back full time with us. On the whole we have a very happy little family unit albeit slightly chaotic from time to time but thats is mainly due to the boys schedules and of course the usual taxi driving duties for the teenager.

During the time of the above all happening I have also been ill and required 3-4 hospital stays and various tests/investigations, surgery last year which really knocked me off my feet for weeks. New year we also got the sad news that FIL has incurable Cancer which has rocked everyone's worlds, in addition I also need further surgery and DH is working 7 days a week. I too work full time. We run a family haulage business and I also run/manage an investment business.

School wise both DS's are miles ahead academically, very bright intelligent and switched on boys however, my 7 yo behaviour over the last 12 months has become concerning. I get the odd call from School and the odd comment at parents eve about him being a boisterous boy etc there's never any thing major at School and his teacher also states it is low level.... he is always spoken to and will be disciplined at home loss of screen time, banned from playing in his football match (I try to avoid this one where I can but if I feel it is needed it will and has happened this weekend). Last year his teacher was very inconsistent due to staff changes several times throughout the academic year also...... I did have a meeting with School about something unrelated to him and asked if the boys would be able to access some support to talk etc both during the issues with family/my illness and again in February this year following the news of their grandad's ill ness. This hasn't happened!

Anyway I have noticed recently he is swearing alot and really horrible words, not at School nor at his morning childcare setting but at home when he is frustrated usually with his brother or sister, whilst playing out with other kids (mortifying) and I have been pulled last night from his afterschool childminder, again on the park last night he was playing too rough, trying to trip ppl over and swearing :(

I'm not proud but I have lost it last night when I got home and I mean lost it (not hurt him or anything like that) but I have also contacted my GP to discuss my concerns. I feel like I'm failing him like I have missed something huge and he is lashing out at everyone for it. I don't want him to be the child children aren't allowed to play with etc because he is such a beautiful and lovely little boy, so loving, caring and considerate but he just really seems to struggling with handling his frustrations and I am clearly not managing it very well given my reaction was to scream and shout and take away everything from him and contact a medical professional to "help" He fully understands how angry and disappointed I am in him and I'm glad to an extent as he has to learn that he cannot act up in this way but as a mum it hurts like hell to see your children upset and hurting too.

I'm not trying to avoid or make excuses for him at all but I feel School have let him down with putting no additional support in for him when asked due to the issues we have faced over the last few years and instead they just say "he's fine" when we talk calmly and 1 on 1 he fully understands what he has done wrong and why he is being punished and he can control it when he wants to..... I also have noticed that his behaviour is very much when other children are around or several other children..... almost like he feels he has to be the "entertainer" which is fine I love his personality he is hilarious and so quick whited but I cannot handle the taking things one step too far and the swearing is a big one it is vile.

DH has a short temper and loses his patience very quick with the kids never violent but will blow off the handle and I feel recently he is very quick to bitch about them all but not so quick to praise them..... unless it's sport related.... he has been told about this as I also feel I can talk to him tbh about anything without getting shitty comments back.... I just want a calm home and to enjoy time as family without feeling like I am constantly battling them all..... I also want to not worry what I'm going to be told next from my childminder or other kids or their parents who live locally..... this has only happened a couple of times and others its usually kids stuff he said this she said that i can handle that.

Does this sound like behavioural "issues/problem" or is this him lashing out, not understanding his feelings and maybe his way of demanding attention..... ?

Please not judgement I am asking for support and advice....

The gp visit is for yourself because of your anger and your DH’s lack of parenting skills, I assume? Unless you are proposing to get anti anxiety meds I’m not sure what the Gp can do to fix this. You can probably access parenting courses through your school or LA - there are lots of courses to teach people how to be better parents so cancel the gp and find a course.

Equally Your son does not need a gp.

You know exactly the problem, it’s right there in every line you wrote . Your son is young; he has so little experience and family life defines his existence.
He needs a rock to cling to in a stormy world. You and his dad are supposed to be his rock - but you’re busy working, busy dealing with dsd, busy worrying about FIL’s cancer, busy wondering if the problem is the school (it’s not).

And When he acts out, you explode into a massive overreaction - how terrifying for a small boy.

Discipline should always be meted out when you are in control of your temper. Ice cold. You can express anger, but use it like an actress, deploy it tactically. If you are expressing anger because you have “lost it” then - factually and not judgementally - that is borderline abusive.

It sounds like your son feels safe at schools. At home and amongst peers he is lashing out because he is not getting the right structural parenting support.

Let me ask you - does he understand the swear words he is using? I’d be surprised if he understood the word fuck, or why the word cunt is so vile.

My 7yo son has started saying “bloody ‘ell!” all the time. Because he heard it in Harry Potter (Ron Weasley). It’s a real pain to stop him but we just pull him up and remind him of the words we agreed he can use instead. He is reprimanded and corrected, just like we remind him to say please and thank you and “may I”. No drama.

As for violence amongst peers - ok that needs a short sharp ticking off and an immediate sanction - typically sitting out (works because it’s slightly humiliating and he can see what he misses out on), going straight home, or losing his screen privileges late as a last resort (because immediate punishment is best).

What your ds needs is your TIME. A two hour bike ride with dad at the weekend. A ramble in the woods and a picnic. A game of chess. An afternoon baking cupcakes. A snuggle and film or a book. This is the hardest solution as life is so demanding but you invest the time, you reap the rewards.

Thank You! I'm not going to say that was all easy to read but thank you for your honesty.

I happen to agree with most of what you put in all honesty and have said very similar to DH this morning...... my words being long the lines of "It is not just being a kid and yes I blame myself I blame us because we are his parents and we have to take a look at what we are doing wrong so I am not self pitying nor playing a blame game I am being straight and honest and we need to change our approach to things before we can expect the kids to change anything".

DS shuts off I can pretty much see it in his eyes when we shout and scream at him and I know even last night when I was doing it I knew this is not going in because I am doing this wrong..... I was wrong and I allowed my emotions to take over my reactions and then I have asked why my kids doing it........ take a long ass look in the mirror eh??

As for the swearing, no most of the words usually (Fuck/fuck off, dhead, bastard, shit and as you mentioned bloody eeelllll) he doesn't know what they mean but he does know there unkind words and so I know he says them to get a reaction. Unfortunately he does hear it from peers, possibly his older siblings I'm not making out their any angels because their all kids and they screw up etc I also think much of it is from things on TV they are exposed to.... I have banned you tube and this is blocked with parental controls on but I will occasionally allow him to put it on in the kitchen if I'm in there cooking and he is with me and I have heard some of the words and it is turned off straight away.... he does often go into his sisters room and I believe she allows him to have it on her TV again something I am working on too......

This morning has been a sobering affair after DH left for work, I have gotten the kids up and showered/dressed for school and given breakfast.... no screens have been allowed and I actually got both DS to sit separately and write me a list of all the things which make them feel happy and the things which make them feel sad/angry....... I resonated with some of what they put, alot was "I don't like being grounded or being banned from playing football" which im glad about as they are punishments and so hopefully they will learn that if they do something to make someone else feel sad then they receive the same in return etc.... we will sit together this evening to go over their lists.