toddler and new baby

[Hilary]

My eldest son is 2 and a quarter, my youngest son is 12 weeks. Everything between them has been fine up until now. My toddler has always been very fond of, protective of and loving towards his little brother but in the last few days he has started poking the baby's eyes. When I tell him not to do it, he leans over the baby so that he thinks I can't see and then pokes his eyes again. If Rory cries, he seems pleased, if I tell him off, he just does it again and if I get cross, he does something worse to him. I know that this is fairly common behaviour among toddlers and their baby siblings but how do I stop it? I have heard that if you ignore the poker and fuss the 'pokee' then the poker will see that the result of his actions isn't what he wanted but I am reluctant to fuss the baby so obviously in front of him because I am trying to let Jonah know that he is still as important to me and I love him just as much as I did before Rory came along. How do I deal with this?

MAke sure that you make a big fuss over your eldest when they are both in the room and your eldest is NOT poking the babies eyes. Ignoring your eldest & fussing over the baby when they do something wrong will work, but only if your pay a lot of attention to your eldest at other times. I also found it helped to get a 'me & mum' looking after the baby syndrome going ie act as if the baby is a bit f a pest when he cries/wants feeding etc, and ask your eldest to help sort him out. This will make them feel important. I also pointed out that every time the eldest came in the room, little one smiled etc - 'because you're her favourite!'. They do all go though it but most of the time it doesn't last. Also, see if there are any special treats you can do for your eldest 'because they are older and help look after the baby'. These shouldn't be toys, perhaps staying up later with a bag of sweets to watch a favourite video. It's difficult to find the time, I know, as I had 22 months between mine, but I'm now in a position where I sometimes feel left out as the kids would far rather be with each other! Good luck

Debsb - how old are your children now? I have 22 months between mine (boys) too, and they are currently 3.5 and nearly 2, and they squabble and don't like being with each other at all - they are much happier when they are apart. Is there still hope that they will play nicely together one day?

I am expecting my second in May and my first is nearly 2.5, a friend recommended to me recently that you give the eldest a 'special hour' when the baby is asleep and let them choose what to do with you, even if you're totally knackered, surrounded by washing, hoovering etc etc.

I've started reading a book mentioned elsewhere on this site, just published called '3 socks, one shoe and no hairbrush' and there's loads in there about how to deal with the sibling stuff. One bit that rang true from your post Hilary is that the first few weeks can go very well and then it seems to go downhill when you think it's all sorted. I recommend the book although I'm sure reading is the last thing you have time for!

I'll soon find out how all the theory works out....

I was once told that your child is looking for attention, any attention it can be bad or good. And he has your full attention when he is eye poking. Praise him like crazy when he does something kind to the baby, tell other people when they come round "that he's such a good boy" so that no 1 can hear you.

Ive been through this twice, actually the middle one has bitten the baby twice today!(and numerous other horrible things.)I can't add much to it except to say that it will get better, as in the baby will stick up for itself at some point! and the baby will almost certainly worship the ground the elder one walks on - however badly they are treated. My middle one thinks the sun shines out of the eldest, but they fight like nothing Ive ever seen! And the baby saves her biggest laughs and smiles for the other two, God only knows why.....By the way it is very very special and mushy when they cuddle up, makes it all worth while!

Thanks ever so much everyone for your words of encouragement and advice. Where do I get hold of the book you mention, Emmagee?
I'm going to try and stress the 'me and Mum looking after the baby' thing more than I have been doing as he does seem to respond to that sometimes. Thanks for mentioning that, Debsb.
I have been saying to my toddler how much his brother likes him and he does seem pleased but then pokes him in the eye!!
Amazingly, like you said, Emmy. the baby already seems to smile a lot when he sees his big brother despite everything.
Good to know that it is a phase which most people go through and that it is likely to pass eventually.

KMG, mine are now 5.5 & 3.5, and they do still squabble. However, they have asked if they can have a 'sisters day' coz we have a mothers day & fathers day & they want a day when they can think about each other - aah! I found that once the youngest was over 2 and properly communicating things got a lot better. Unfortunatley, Hilary, I did find the worst time was once the youngest started crawling and could get at the toys of the oldest. Although, again, this didn't last too ling (well we all survived it anyway). It does seem to be more of a problem with boys than girls, possibly because boys tend to be more physical/ less verbal at this sort of age? Anyway, good luck, I've just got to wait 'til adolescence, when I'm reliably informed all girls fight like cats & dogs (&having 3 sisters I think I can remember that).

Hilary - it's on Amazon, the author is Rebecca Abraham