Advice from Attachment Parents please although I am not one...

[eenybeeny]

Our 22 month DS has been slapping himself in the face which really really upsets us. I have started a few threads on it. Basically what we WERE doing was saying "please dont hit, Alex is precious!! You dont hit Alex"

That didnt seem to help so today I tried ignoring it as if it wasnt happening - partly on advice of some very helpful MNers. He did it several times and looked at me very closely but eventually did stop.

I am not practising AP although I like a lot of its values and inadvertantly have done some of them. I was just wondering what a parent who DID practise AP would do if their child was hitting themselves in the face?

What is attachment parenting? If you don't mind me asking?

well this is probably a crap explanation someone will come along and do a better job of it than me but its where you BF til the child self weans, you co-sleep, you dont put child in child care, you carry child around in a sling etc.

Look all you APers out there sorry if the explanation is shit but I'm in a rush!

?

Attachment parenting (AP), a phrase coined by Dr. William Sears, is a parenting philosophy that is also known as "natural parenting", "instinctive parenting," and "intuitive parenting".

The hallmarks of attachment parenting are the five B's:
Bonding,
Breastfeeding,
Babywearing,
Bedding with baby and
Being responsive to your baby's cry.

AP is based on responsive parenting, rather than practices that ignore the baby's cues (e.g. cry-it-out, scheduled feedings) or devalue or disrespect the child (e.g. spanking, shaming).

Tink does that, especially if she has been told off. I try to ignore it, especially as it's not upsetting her. I sometimes tell her not to be silly, but generally try not to make a fuss about it.

well I did all those things with my DS but I didnt know what it was called at the time I just did what felt right. Which I guess is the "instinctive" bit of parenting.

I dont cosleep or BF anymore (I wanted to - he put a stop to it and I was broken hearted)

He rarely gets told off - when he does he gets very upset and cries a lot and acts like we dont love him so we go out of our way to give him minimal telling off. Which can be hard!! He seems to hit himself all the time. Today he was on my lap, with my full attention, and we were looking at the Night Garden website together and he just started it. Made me very

well he's not the only one.... ds scratches himself, pinches himself and bites himself hard enough to bruise.

no idea why he does it and trying to stop him by moving his arm and saying 'oh, don't do that baby, you'll hurt yourself' only sets of his stubborn streak and he does himself even more harm. if i try and distract him he walks of still doing it to himself! it seems to be a very subconcious thing in some respects, like biting his nails. but when you try and stop him he can actually get really hysterical. [sigh]

will lurk waiting for the clever folk to supply an answer

and to think i used to believe he was the easy one

Tink gives herself lovebites on her arms and hands. She gets so upset if I try to stop her!

at least DS isnt disturbed. sigh.

I have no idea if I do attachment parenting, but have to admit in the early days I will do anything to keep them happy/get some peace, and that generally involves carting dc around in sling and sleeping together........ anyway, I reckon I would ignore it as much as poss. DD2 17 months, has started self harming (biting herself, actually quite hard, when frustrated) and I say something like, "hmmm yes, it will hurt", and ignore it as much as poss. Think ignoring is the way to go. Good luck

DD3 (16 months) slaps herself; I sympathise with you eeny, it makes me feel awful too I'm scared she doesn't like herself when she does it
I try to calmly tell her not to ("Aoibh's not for hitting, Aoibh's nice, be gentle" etc) much as I would when she hits anyone else.

minky, we tried ignoring with ds but then he bit himself so hard on the wrist he had bite marks for a week! only so many times i can take him to toddler group looking like we feed on him before people start to comment!

are you sure he doesn't have ear ache or any other persistant pain? I ask because my nephew who is 5 still feels unable to artuculate pain and bites himself when something hurts

I have a theory that they think it hurts us because Tink does it when she's been told about something. In much the same way of covering their eyes so you can't see them. I think that they don't understand yet that my pain is my pain and yours is yours. IYSWIM

very intruiging theory tinkerbelles! I wonder!!

I have taken him to the GPs (lord I almost said VETS for some strange reason!!!) to have his ears checked and they said they were fine. BUT I am going to post another thread about this - he seems to have super sensitive hearing - vulcan hearing. He can hear anything from so far away and he says "loud noise" approximately every 2 minutes!!! Seriously he says it all the time. And sometimes he covers his ears up and I wonder if sound hurts?

that's so weird.... ds has a thing about loud noises too. and he often covers his ears if something is too loud.

he was about 20m away from me using the strimmer in the garden the other day and he went hysterical because it was 'too loud'

Pink it often seems our boys are very similar!

both crazy Leos

I would go for teaching a distractor behaviour using the same form of words each time, such as "gentle stroke on the face" At first, you may need to hold his hand and make the stroking motion for him.

I don't know if it's AP or just that an AP I know is a big advocate of this, but find positive instructions work really really well and it generally fits with the AP approach. If you say "DON'T do X" it tends to just implant the idea more forcefully in their mind.

I expect this is distressing to you but he clearly is getting something out of it.

when you say you were busy on website, is this something he actually enjoys?

I do think distracting and ignoring certain behaviours can be effective.
along with being responsive to the child I think I need to establish clear calm boundaries .
the fact that he gets upset if he gets told off, is not really the point.
I think it is more about you making a calm clear point and moving on.

the thing is all kids are different and you will be best placed to know your soon.

well, think i know why ds has been doing it..... just spotted 2 huge molars have just broken through.

maybe it is a pain thing like shoppingbagsundereyes suggested.

is alex getting his teeth too maybe?

I have found that a lot of the frustration that lead to strange behaviour (although DS never hit himself) is linked to being frustrated for not being able to communicate. When his language came along he became a lot calmer.