biting and social skills

[jill38]

i have a son age 4 he goes to play group 5 mornings a week since been there he has biten 4 children not all at the same time but he does this because he cant have his own way the teacher at the school has told me that its because he does not have any social skills and aprt from going to play group he does not play with any other children myself and my bf have tryed to sit down with are little boy and learn him to share and not bite but he has just caried on the school sent me to a speach therapest for his behavior and they also say its his social skills i dont no what to do im at breaking point as when i go in to the school with my son i can see all the mothers talking about my son can anyone help me

sorry you are going through these worries. does the teacher have anything constructive to suggest? just I wonder whether it's beyond this teacher's expertise, and you would need advise (LEA should have some sort of Senco (special needs coordinator) who can advise the playgroup about dealing with any problems with your boy's behaviour.

Is his speech and understanding of language OK for his age?

hi his speach is fine the teacher has said its his understanding of when he does something bad like biting or hitting that he cant understand why the child is upset the teacher has sat with him and tryed to make him understand the problem im having with that is when he comes home from school he tells me what he has done and says to me he his sorry so i just dont think he understands straight away he has to think about what he has done the teacher has told me that in every other way my son is very well advanced and has no other problems.

jill - What do you do/say to your son when he bites another child?

when he has done it at school the school have told me not to say anything to him as they have sorted it out there but if he has done it at home i sit him down and try to explain that biting upsets peolpe and it hurts i always stay calm and just try to keep eveything calm i try not to make it a big issue with him but myself i no it is it is hard for me not to say anything to him when he has done it at school but if he tells me then i sit with him and he tells me he will say sorry the next day

To me, it sounds like he is saying 'sorry' to please you but does not agree he shouldn't bite.

My experience is with smaller children, and on the receiving end - DD has been repeatedly hit/bitten/etc by two kids she regularly sees.

What worked with them was being scared out of their wits by the mean mum (me) of the child they had the habit of hurting.

This was with knowledge of their mums, by the way. They said their sons didn't listen to them, and I was welcome to tell them off and see how that works.

They never came near DD again.

My point is that telling your son "it's not nice" is great, but of course he knows it isn't, because whenever he bites a child, he sees him cry and scream in pain.

What he doesn't have is a sense of consequences - what will happen if I bite again? Mum will give me a calm speech and I will say I'm sorry. Then I can go off and bite whomever I want.

What will work with your son, only you can decide. Perhaps have a chat with other mums and see what they suggest.

And re "I try not to make it a big issue with him"

I think you should make it a big issue.

hi cotedazur many thanks for replyingi think you have made some very good points there and yes my son always says sorry afterwards and i praise him for it i have been told to bite him back to see how he likes it but i cant do that i think that would just make him think well if mum does it to me i will carry on doing it to who ever i like he only bites when he has to share with other children i just hope one day this will stop we have had a good day today the teacher has told us he has not done any biting today thank god

No no no, of course you shouldn't bite him back (although I do understand the desperation of the mum who must have said it).

im sure he will get better iv just been reading some on here and i thought things was really bad with my son but i really feel for some of the mums on here mum mum scared him the other day and told him that she was going to get some plyers and pull all his teeth out so he would not bite again he did not like that he stared getting very upset and said grandma no you cant do that to me she told him i can if you bite again

If the school are saying that he has difficulties with his social skills it could explain why he keeps biting other children.

Whilst I agree that it needs to be made clear to him that biting is not acceptable, he also needs to be helped to develop better understanding of social situations and how to cope when someting does not go his way.

Most kids just pick up social skills but for some they have to actually be taught them. For example, if a child wants a toy that another child has, they don't bite, they negotiate 'can I have a turn in a minute?'. If a child takes a toy away, tell him to tell a teacher (my two are still working on that one by the way!)

'Circle time' activities are good and the speech and language therapist could give some specific ideas.

Good luck. You sound like a very concerned mum (apart from the teeth pulling )

hi desperatehousewifetoo thanks for thatthe school sent me to the speech therapist about his behaviour and all she wanted to do was talk about his speech i told her that there was nothing wrong with his speech and this is not why i am here i went twice and she still went on saying about his speech when the school and myself are happy with his speech i stooped going and have now got a new speech therapist which im happy with and with the help of a nursery nurse and waiting to see a doctor about my sons behavior im hoping that wthings will improve the school have been trying to teach my son about takin turns and sharing as we have at home i think things will come together and no lol i will not be pulling his teeth lol maybe my own out of she frustration thanks again