Seven year old struggling at new school, possible ADHD and ODD

[cerealwithaspoon]

Looking for some reassurance and advice...

7yo son has always been "tricky" and emotional. Argumentative/stubborn, hates to lose + play fair. Academically strong. Old school (local, lovely inclusive state primary) picked up on it but managed it through a behaviour plan. He had friendships/people he liked to play with and teachers who he had warm relationships with who knew him and how to manage his personality.

Moved him to prep school in September and he is really struggling. Much bigger emotional outbursts at home and at school. School says he is frequently, rude, defiant, unkind to peers. Disruptive. Has had a couple of major meltdowns at school (e.g. lost something cherished and refused to leave the classroom, shouting and sobbing, needed a lot of coaxing). Has run away and hid a few times.

He has started saying he hates school and doesn't want to go. Acknowledges he is good at making friends "but not at keeping them". (I know he can be really mean and unkind so this is no wonder). Clearly struggling with new expectations/lots of classroom settings.

School have encouraged us to get an assessment and predict ADHD and ODD. This feels about right. We're getting that sorted.

We already are doing a lot of the strategies you would recommend - eg positive praise/lots of chats about transitions/very clear on expectations. Make sure we spend lots of time as a family.

Feel very sad and anxious about this whole situation. He can be such a funny, affectionate and sociable child and right now feel like this isn't coming through.

Guessing I want to know -

1. Any advice or reassurance?
2. Does ODD tend to lessen with the right ADHD treatment (especially medication)
3. What can I be pushing the school to do? They have already organised 1-2-1 counselling, SALT and group lego therapy. Anything I'm missing apart from the obvious?

Right now I am spiralling and am worried about what the future holds!

Appreciate any words of wisdom - thank you!

Transition can be really tough for SEN kids so initially I’d have put it down to that but as we are now in March I’d wonder if he was better off at his old school and try and move him back. It might not be the right fit for him if the expectations are for him to be able to mask and keep a lid on who he is (rather than be accepted and included which it sounds like he had in previous school)

edited to add: I’d be asking what was happening at his old school that made him feel safe and supported that isn’t happening now? Can current school have a conversation with staff at old school to see what worked? Is it just that new school environment isn’t a good fit?

Thanks for your fast response!

I think the school move was the trigger for these underlining issues to bubble up. Big step up. And I think the new school are also better at flagging the issues as have more resource. And tbf they are genuinely a kind and inclusive school too, I'm not being fair maybe.

Have thought about moving back but also know they won't have the time/resource to do the additional support he's getting at current school.

But yes maybe we need to look somewhere else.

Hmm, if you genuinely feel new school are inclusive and supportive then worth sticking it out.

Can you ask for educational psychologist involvement to hash out strategies? Not sure how it works where you are. I’m in Scotland and we have something called a child planning meeting, when a child is struggling, and usually if struggling as much as your son there would be ed psych involvement.

It sounds like he needs clear routines, visuals. Often with SEN kids there is an invisible build up of stress before the meltdown. So keeping his day structured, own personal visual timetable, use of emotional regulation resources. A safe space to go to when feeling stressed so as to keep himself and others safe. Some schools use tents for this.

There really needs to be a proper meeting that takes your son’s views into account. My SEN dd, similar age, can tell me she doesn’t like the noise in the class, feels uncomfortable when she doesn’t know who to approach to play, doesn’t like school dinners etc. What can your son tell you about what he does and doesn’t like? That’s an important starting point. PDA panda is a good demand avoidance book. Declarative language is a demand avoidance book for parents.

edited for typos

I wouldn't rule out ASD, sounds a lot like DS at that age. No one picked anything up till he was nearly secondary school age, don't rely on school to know what they're talking about.

Do you mean he hates to lose but is very black and white on other kids playing fair? That would be typical ASD IME - or do you mean he just refuses to play fair? Struggling with friendships would be typical, ds was still very sociable at this age, it wasn't till Secondary that he struggled with being sociable. DS (ASD) is so stubborn that he would cut his nose off to spite his face and was a very challenging baby/toddler.

Maybe it is ADHD but you don't mention poor concentration, poor sleep, impulsivity, difficulty staying on task or anything like that. I just wouldn't rule anything out.

thanks @veggietabless and @TheChicSnail

Agree not ruling anything out. Booked in for assessment which I'm hoping at least will shed some insight into the right strategies and approach.

He's a very good sleeper. Impulsivity yes. Concentration - can be good staying on tasks on things he enjoys (e.g. reading his favourite book, doing puzzles, maths) but getting him to do homework/extended writing is a nightmare.

There are background health issues (premature baby, lots of surgeries, was on steroids and was v unwell on/off until 2) that might explain some of these emotional issues (maybe some emotional trauma there? but this doesn't explain it all!) He has to wear a back brace too which I don't think helps and coincided with the school move. School thinks low self esteem part of it.

But when in a "good" mood he's wonderful - kind/helpful/follows instructions. Just such highs and lows at the moment.

sorry aware I'm venting lots of info but really looking for some reassurance things can get better if we get right support!

appreciate all these ideas. 😘

Just a quick one. Things can definitely get better. It needs to a team effort though and adjustments need to be put in place for him above just doing Lego therapy etc. There need to be adjustments within the classroom setting for him as I mentioned above.

My dd had a terrible first year at school. Typical girl, didn’t lash out at school but was up till around 11pm crying/worrying, constant stomach ache etc, so anxious. She’s now skipping in most days. I’ve been a pain in the arse though. Not rude or demanding but very very persistent in asking for support for her.

i think with ND kids it can come in waves as well. Everything is a phase!

Your boy sounds like he has had some difficult health issues poorly thing so that may contribute to his mood too.