I don't recognise my son anymore

[Montybear]

I'm writing this in desperation and hope that others who have been through similar can reassure me that things will get better. Abit of background...I'm a single mum of 2, dd aged 13 and ds aged 6. I split with their dad 5 years ago, ds was only 18 months old. Their dad is still in their lives but dd does not like seeing him. To be quite honest he's a bully. He mentally/emotionally abused me and dd for years and continues to do so. DS however, loves him. He treats him completely different to dd because he's a boy. Now here's the bit that is worrying me. Both dd and ds have suspected adhd and or ASD. Their dad has ADHD and I have OCD (I think due to a my past relationship trauma) it's my coping mechanism. Ds has always been a mummy's boy, lovely, cuddly and gorgeous, but abit of a handful at times. Ds has recently started staying at his dads more often and since joining Y2 has become a different child. He's moody, angry and has the most uncontrollable melt downs. He's started hitting me and telling me he hates me. He's never happy around me and when i say anything nice or try to be fun, he shoots me down with a nasty insult or tells me to shut up or tells me I'm stupid. It is becoming more and more clear that there is some underlying cause for his behaviour, probably adhd and his teacher has said he is struggling but he appears to be masking as at school he is incredibly quiet. I have spent the last 2 months crying every night, mourning the little boy I used to know. I'm at my wits end, I've tried everything. The school are putting things in place like sensory breaks, with a view to referring him. I am limiting screen time and trying to spend more 1 on 1 time with him, but nothing seems to work. Is this a phase? Is it because he's spending more time with his dad? Or is it because he potentially has ADHD and the pressures of school are starting to affect him? I know every child and every situation is different so I don't really know what I'm wanting to get out of this post, I think I just need to vent because I feel so alone.

I’m sorrry I don’t have any answers for you as don’t have the knowledge surrounding ADHD/ASD but just commenting to hopefully get your post boosted. I hope you manage to find some answers ❤️

Hi @Montybear I’m so sorry, it sounds like you’ve really been through it. Without knowing you and your son in real life it’s very hard to guess what might be the root of the issue - but it sounds like you are doing everything right. You are involving the school, you are showing him love and care. If there is a negative influence coming via his (vile sounding) father then don’t forget that you are his safe space.

He feels able to lash out at you because he knows your love is unconditional. He’s still so young, if his dad is saying terrible things about you then he’s really too young to be able to process that or understand his father’s motivations. He won’t always be this small and if you’re his rock and his consistent, loving and disciplining parent. He will learn he can’t hit you or call you names but he may be terribly confused because of his ratbag dad.

I suppose what I mean is - don’t despair. It’s hard co-parenting with an abuser and you should watch and report signs of parental alienation (he could well decide to tell a future court that you’re alienating DS from
him, abusers love to reverse victim the situation). But if you are consistent and loving then your son has the best chance of not growing up like his dad. Good luck, you’re clearly a dedicated parent and can be proud of that x

This isn’t a phase, but I don’t think it’s appropriate to start making potential diagnosis of your son at this point.

I recommend that you get him into see a child psychologist as soon as possible.

If he is masking at school then they aren't meeting his needs, he doesn't feel safe enough to be himself and you are suffering the 'coke bottle effect' look it up, basically he's bottling all his anxiety and frustration up during the day while masking then once he's home the lid (mask) comes off and he's exploding. Unfortunately very common in ND kids, you need to be pushing school to deal with the issues he's having.

Awwe sweetheart, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You sound absolutely worn down and heartbroken, and that in itself tells me how much you love your DS.

Firstly, children don’t become “different children” for no reason. Behaviour is communication there is a reason for every behavipir.

If he’s masking at school and exploding at home, that often means home is his safe place. It doesn’t feel like it when you’re being hit or told “I hate you”, but sometimes we get the fallout because we’re the secure attachment. I can tell you this from experience

Year 2 is a massive jump in expectations, they are getting ready for yr 3. More sitting, more writing, more social pressure. If ADHD or ASD is in the mix, the increased cognitive and sensory load can tip things over. Quiet at school anf meltdowns at home is very common in neurodivergent children.

It could be emotional processing around spending more time with his dad. Even if he loves him, children pick up on dynamics and tension far more than we realise. Big feelings tend to come in messy ways. Is it at possible that exH is speaking about you in a way that he really shouldn't. That can unfortunately happen.

You’re not failing, you’re responding. You’re limiting screens, doing 1:1 time, working with school. That’s exactly what a good parent does.

Personally I would push for referral/assessment if you suspect ADHD/ASD, get intervention as early as possible. Ask school specifically how much he’s “holding it together”. Are there situations others, or DS would normally respond different to. Masking is exhausting, for children, I've been through it with my DD. When he says hurtful things, think of it as dysregulation rather than truth. Regulated brains don’t shout “I hate you”

Make sure you have support. Crying every night is a sign you need someone holding you up as well.

This may be a phase, it may be ND, it may be stress, it may be a combination. But it isn’t the end of your lovely little boy. He’s still there, he’s just overwhelmed.

Is he actually happy at school? All his friendships ok?

Hello my daughter has a diagnosis of ASD and she’s been referred by CAMHS for an ADHD diagnosis I tell you this so I can say this is very typical of a child that is doing their best to “behave” at school. To present typically for their teachers and friends. When they get back to their safe space the release of that can be a bit explosive. It’s called the coke bottle effect.

Whether you have a diagnosis or not parenting through these times can be excruciating. I always bear in mind that I am parenting with love. Setting my red lines which may be different for my DD as she has specific needs. I maintain my boundaries and I lower my expectations of her where I can.

Diagnosis helps go you and your child to understand why they feel the way they do. It can help with extra support but it’s not essential for that. But it won’t change how it feels for you. Low expectations, lots of wellness for you mentally and hang on in there. The more complex the world becomes the more it can challenge the non typical brain. Don’t be afraid of mourning the past but also new things will emerge that are just as lovely.

I have no idea if a diagnosis might be related but the dad situation can def have an impact. I was in a similar situation as your son and I remember used to spend time with my dad in the summer overseas for 3-4 weeks every year and when I was back home my mum used to suffer from my behaviour. She was helpless for a couple of weeks as I was always angry and nasty to her etc. When I grew up I realised all that was because my dad’s wife was always a bitch to me and it was putting a lot of pressure on me while I was there without realising as day to day I had a lot of fun and got spoiled endlessly. But I was always extremely close to my mum so eventually I was always reverting being the nice cuddly girl to her. But I guess it took a lot of patient and time from her side.

I am so sorry, I have no advice but just wanted to say good luck and I hope others here can help.

I do remember something similar with a Mum I knew of, not that well, but her DH (had ADHD) left her and her children and her DS started doing the same about the same age. He used to really lay into her at the school gate and she looked completely defeated. I have seen him since (about 6 years later), and he looks a lot better behaved and calmer.

Hi please look into play therapy its brilliant my daughter who is adhd had it and it really helped her with dealing with her emotions she use to really struggle with them and would have outbursts and meltdowns she also had friendship club at school as she was struggling with friendships and both theses together have been brilliant over the last 18 months she has come so far please get your son help with his emotions why he is still young

His behaviour is a form of communication. As a play therapist (trainee) i also suggest looking in to play therapy as he has a number of issues that he is unable to talk about (due to age and subsequent cognitive ability) but that he clearly needs to work through. I wish you and your DS lots of luck.

I don’t know the answer because there is a lot at play in your little one’s life, but both my sons have gone through sort of similar phases at that age (maybe not to quite the same extent but I recognise a lot of the things you are describing). Ours went through really angry and mean stages (my youngest is still like that sometimes but he’s coming through it. But my two were in a stable home and family situation and it still happened, so it might not be dad stuff causing it, though it if something worth keeping in mind, and talking to find out more about what happen at his dad’s and how his dad is speaking to him or treating him might help.l get some answers.

He might benefit from some therapy if that’s something you can do. I worked through an Anger workbook with my eldest when he was that age which might be a more affordable alternative. And keep doing lots of calm one on one time and reminding him that he can ask for attention if he needs it and give him lots of positive attention when he’s calm and happy.

ADHD definitely leads to more anger in kids and helping him have the tools to express it in a healthy way will be something he can use for his whole life.

I know it’s rough but you’re doing lots of good things to help, and it sounds like the school is trying as well. I’m sure this will just be a phase, but keep working on setting him up with skills to talk about and handle his big feelings.

Thank you everybody for your replies and some really good suggestions. It's nice to hear that other ppl have gone through it and have some positive outcomes. I like the sound of play therapy and I am going to try and not let his behaviour upset me so much, as I do think I am to blame for some of it. I am hightly emotional as I'm under alot of stress atm and seeing me upset is not going to help him at all. Ultimately I just want both my children to be happy and feel loved and I will do what ever it takes to achieve that. He's currently sat on my knee playing with lego and although he isn't wanting to talk to me much, it's nice to know he still wants me close.

My son is ADHD (now almost 9) and I suspect my daughter (just 7) is too, (though she is intelligent and it doesn't show at school) and I have to say end of year 1 into year 2, seems to be the year both of their emotions have gone wild. My son had so many meltdowns at that age and my daughter is currently all over the place.

It's a big year developmentally and your son is going through the extra upheaval of more time away from you and with dad. If he is finding that unsettling and you are his secure attachment, sadly you will bear the brunt of it.

The key for both possible causes is consistency and boundaries. Boundaries make kids feel safe.
When he is emotional, validate his feelings and once he is calm correct the behaviour (mid-meltdown they process nothing) it's ok to be angry, it's not ok to hit...for example.

You sound like you are doing all the right things, just keep being loving and supportive, but still a firm, boundary setting presence, and he will come out of the other side.

I disagree with you here. If she's co-parenting with an abuser she needs to get it stopped by court order ASAP. Abuse will affect the child forever.
Talk to a solicitor who specialises in this and finds out how you can get definite evidence of parental alienation, protect yourself from accusations and what to do next.
He's only 6. If he needs to take a step back from school then do it. Talk to school about partial attendance, etc
This sounds like a lot more than just not wanting to go to school. It sounds like he's trying to cope with too much.

Get support for yourself and both kids, women’s aid etc might be helpful. 7 is a hard age (major brain re wiring stuff going on) add that to ND and trauma and a difficult parent its a recipe for disaster but also the really important time to get it right.