Answering back

[Nutjob]

I have noticed more and more lately, that whenever I have to reprimand my ds about any unsociable behaviour, he is always ready with a quick response. He never just accepts what I say and will argue till the cows come home!!

Whilst I am pleased that he is obviously confident and relaxed enough with me to do this, it is very annoying!!! And when I was a little girl I would NEVER have done this to my mum. What she said was gospel and that was that.

What I am trying to say, I think, is - is it a good thing or not? And why do todays children seem to have changed so much from my generation?

Nutjob, how old is your DS? My DS1 has just turned four and is the same, always has an answer for everything, getting out in the morning is a nightmare, he cannot just go and do what he is asked he has to question and argue about everything!

I agree I would never have been like this with my Mum

Our three chrildren sound so similar it's uncanny. My DS1 does exactly the same even to the point were he has said 'No mummy I Know best!'
It drives me absolutley mad. We tell him over and over not to answer back but he has answer for EVERYTHING.
I, too, would never have spoken to my parent at his age. What a difference a generation makes.

Ive noticed exactly the same thing Nutjob but then my father is from a naval background and he was very strict with us. Sometimes my children will say something and I think "I would never have spoken to my dad like that". But then the plus side of it is that hopefully they will come and tell you when they have a problem, something I could have never done with my dad.

Nutjob

I know exactly what you mean. My three don't seem to have any respect for us and I think it is sad. I did answer my parents back now and then but would have never gone as far as mine do. Also they don't respond when we are telling them to do something or not do something and it usually results in shouting.
I despair sometimes I think it must be our fault but how can you gain their respect?

Glad to hear I am not the only one going through this girls!! By the way Demented, my ds is 5 but I would say this probably started when he was around 4.

My ds was answering me back this morning when we were getting ready for school and I told him not to, he just turned around and said 'I can answer back, it's my right'!! Where on earth did he get that from!!! Then I said to him, 'I bet if your teacher told you to do something you wouldn't answer her back' and he just smiled!!! Aaarrgghhh.

I think a lot just boils down to personality. Some children are just more biddable. I was a horrible child, always, always answering back. And my daughter (5) seems to have inherited the same tendency. Of coure it could be learned but... My mother takes great delight in telling me I've got the child I deserve

How do you earn respect? The glib answer is treat them respectfully, but it's not so easy when you're rushed and you have a 100 other things going on in your head at the same time. I do, though, really try to always apologise for any (inappropriate) shouting that I have done and my daughter does now do the same. It's a start????

But, overall, yes, answering back, or challenging authority is, I think, a GOOD THING. Hard work but good.

Thank you! Thank you! I was despairing that my dd (just turned 5) was turning into some form of demon child!!!!!!!

I too would never have dreamed of answering my parents back the way she does and other unsavoury behaviour and hurtful comments had me to the brink the other day.

I have been trying the 'no emotion' method lately where I ignore bad behavour and 'backchat' with no emotion whatsoever, (even if I'm seething/crying inside) it's very, very hard to do, but I AM seeing positive results.

When babysitting/nannying for rude children who answered back, I completely ignored the answering back and NEVER got into a debate/argument with them. They eventually (usually!) got tired of having the last word if it led to periods of slightly frosty, dull silence. Trying to reason with children in this mood seems to thrill them! If I think my stepdaughter is getting on the verge of being too cheeky I do the same thing. Any sentence from her like, 'Well, YOU do XYZ....' gets no response from me and she knows I don't like it. I am very, very polite but just non-communicative until the moment has passed. I remember thoroughly enjoying answering my PE teachers back because they annoyed me so much, I thought I'd have a go back .... and it worked! I got terrible reports from them that I was secretly very proud of. It was the annoyed response I was after.

Aloha - I think this is the answer too. Dd is 3, and seems to always want the last word. A bit of me thinks that she is bright, intelligent, inquisitive, and how good to have confident opinions - then the other bit wants her to accept what I say, at least once!

Still, this thread makes me think that she is not too dissimilar to others, thank heavens.

I refuse to argue with my 3 1/4 yr old ds. I try to pick my battles really carefully, so that I am not involved in a continual nag session. Everynow and then I do get extremely cross about a transgression of behaviour and find that this seems to maintain a smidgen of respect.
I am a firm believer in the consequences of bad behaviour. Shoe putting on was turning into a real battle in our house so having asked my ds 3 times to put his shoes on and felt sure that he had heard me and taken this request on board we left the house with him in his stocking feet. (I put his shoes in a bag with a clean pair of socks). So he got cold and wet feet and had to sit in the car with cold wet feet for the 10 mins of the journey. We did this once and funnily enough putting on of shoes has not been an issue since.
I find if there is an area of behaviour that is getting out of control, if I say to ds you musn't do this because xyz and if you do it again then xyz and stick to this rigidly (i.e. no being soft) it does seem to help.
My dh just gets cross and shouts and storms around, so ds does exactly the same and even though it sounds like blowing my own trumpet I would say ds respects me much more than dh.
I realise all this probably sounds a bit smug and it is not meant to. We have really bad days sometimes, when I think that the best place for small children is cleaning chimneys!!!

Bugsy- I've recently discovered that letting them take the natural consequences thing too and it works superbly well, doesn't it? My sons lasted only seconds in the pouring rain before begging to have their coats on, having point blank refused to cooperate with having them on only seconds before. We've had no problems with that particular one since... I think it helps me to work out what's important and what to let go too because in order to do it properly you have to think about why you're expecting them to do something and whether it's a reasonable expectation. Certainly something of a eureka moment for me!

Glad to see I'm not alone here with children talking back and generally being quite rude! My Ds (3.5 years) has started tlaking back and must have the last word EVERY time! I find it very hard to ignore the constant barrage from him but it has been getting out of control so now DH and I have a plan we are trying ahrd to stick to. It follows the ignore the bad behaviour theory and usually also involves periods of time out for ds on the verandah when it all gets too much (it is summer in Australia before anyone gets upset that I am putting a child outside....and the verandah is very large with a good railing and childproof gates!)

I am keeping my fingers crossed that this new "no nonsense" approach will be effective (we only started in earnest the day before yesterday and ds has an iron will!!)