Late autism diagnosis stories making me worry about a friend

[Comfortable8520]

I am not quite sure where to start with this.

There was a recent thread about a mum who was struggling to take her 9 year old out at weekends, and a lot of replies suggested the child could be autistic. What really struck me was how many people said their children were diagnosed later on at 7, 8, 9, even into the teens. Some adults said they were only diagnosed in their 30s or later.

I have always been watching my own DS closely. I do not see any signs with him, but I always was anxious about missing something. More than that, it brought up worries I have had for a long time about my friend’s son, who is 5 and a bit, the same age as my DS.

My friend also really struggles to get her DS out for playdates, parties, park etc. It is very unpredictable and often he just refuses to go. That is something I never really understood, as my DS is always keen to join in when we go out. Her son also does not really play with my DS or chat to him, apart from when they play with trains. He is extremely interested in spinning things like wheels, mechanisms, washing machines and similar. I have seen him playing with unusual things like a door, opening and closing it repeatedly.

He seems to prefer being on his own and does not appear bothered about joining others. He also has quite a few sensitivities. He cannot tolerate being touched by other people and will scream, and he struggles to be outside in the sun without sunglasses. He is also a very picky eater with a very limited range of plain foods he will accept. I may be wrong, but communication sometimes feels a bit difficult too.

If this were my own child, I think I would be quite concerned if they had no interest in friends or could not cope with parties or children’s activities. I also worry about my friend herself, as it feels like all of this has taken a toll on her and at times it seems she is close to giving up on having a social life altogether.

I have not seen her very much in the last year as I had a baby and life has been busy. When we did speak, she said her son was doing well at school and that the teachers had not raised any concerns. That reassured me at the time, as I assumed that if something were off, school would notice it.

After reading that recent thread about the 9 year old though, I was shocked by how late autism can sometimes be picked up. It made me start worrying all over again about my friend’s son and whether I should have been more direct with her. I have tried to raise my concerns very gently in the past, but she always brushed it off.

I am now unsure what to do. Part of me thinks I should leave it and stop overthinking, and accept that this is not really my place. I do not want to risk losing a friend, but at the same time I cannot ignore that I sometimes feel uneasy when I am around her and her son. I would love to support her, but have no idea how and whether it would even be welcome.

How would you handle this without damaging the friendship or overstepping? Is this something I should step back from emotionally and accept as it is?

No you shouldn't mention it. The child will go to school and if they feel he needs further investigation they will aproach the parents and if they don't want to take it further then theres nothing you can do,

Unfortunately, this is the sort of thing where there's little anyone can do if the parents aren't in a place to consider the possibility (unless it's reaching the level of neglect or abuse).

You can be a friendly, supportive listening ear about her child, happy and positive about his strengths, and possibly offering a few ideas if she mentions struggling with something – but even that depends on your relationship and your ability to judge whether she wants to vent or wants to brainstorm.

If they're struggling to get out and she's feeling isolated, it probably also means a lot that you do continue to make plans to see them, particularly if you're happy to do so at times/places that work better for her son.

As a mother of an autistic child, and having met a lot of people with autistic children, sometimes its hard for parents to accept what is. Also this may be really good at masking while at school, which is basically mimicking and copying those around you to fit in. Honestly Now that I have an autistic child and am learning about it, I'm pretty sure I am high functioning autistic. My son and me are two peas in a pod, and he reminds me SO much of me as a child. I totally get him and everything he does. I masked majority of my elementary/middle school life and after high school to fit in, because if I am "just me" most people don't really like me. I am very rigid, a loner, obsessed with horses. I am going to get tested when I find where we can do that!

As for your friend, if you were my friend you may want to mention it to her is a soft manner? She may see it but she may not know how to address it/say it? Having an autistic child can be very scary and lonely. The worst she can say is my kid is fine and you go about your way. I think thats part of the problem sometimes is people don't say anything if they see it. They don't want to be "rude" but if nobody says anything, how can she get support? There is not a worst feeling when your kid is doing something that isn't considered "normal" and people stare and not saying anything. It feels so judgemental.

Or maybe she just wants to be social and thinks her child will jusy "figure it out."