DAWDLING (and general misbehaviour) in toddlers - how much do you put up with?

[snowleopard]

This is kind of AIBU as well... I don't like dawdling. I'm happy for DS to explore/mess about if we're not actually headed from A to B - but when we are he knows he has to move it. A bit is OK, I'll let him walk along walls, stop to pick a dandelion clock etc. but not more than a minute or two's delay.

But I have several friends who we do stuff with, who let their kids stop still on the pavement and arse around, run off in the other direction, stop to climb on a wall etc to such a degree that it can literally take half an hour to get along a 200-yard street. It drives me bananas! Just standing there trying to amuse DS, waiting for their child to decide to come along in the right direction, no pressure from the parents whatsoever.

But now I'm starting to wonder if it's me who's too anal and shouldn't be hurrying DS along so much. I'm such a bleeding-heart liberal and I thought my problem with parenting would be that I'd be too namby-pamby and not strict enough. I'm starting to wonder if I'm actually on the stricter end of the spectrum.

(This kind of taps into a whole other thing about people generally not expecting decent behaviour and a reasonable amount of compliance out of their 2/3-yos which I am constantly raising my eyebrows at like a miserable old schoolmarm. Things like letting your child walk into someone else's garden and start kicking the flowers, which happened to my friend recently - parents just would not tell the child no. Or child refusing to get off swing to give someone else a turn, so parent just crumples and lets them have another 10 mins. Aaaarrgh!)

Want to know court of MN's opinion and whether anyone else gets annoyed by this.

Or a I a DM-esque killjoy?

n,im like you. 2 year old ds. let him notice things and explore a bit but NEVER let him run off or anything. He does his own thing at home and in garden but knows when we are out he has to be a good boy (most of the time!) maybe those parents that DO let them run riot just dont have anywhere to go next? As in dont have a 'B' to get to?

I have the same problem! I know I should be letting my children take their time walking, but it's such a hassle trying to keep them under control that I'm just desperate to get them home.

Fortunately we have a garden and I let them have free range there to pick up dandelion clocks etc.

Well toddlers are busy little people and everything is interesting to them - they are learning a lot when they dawdle. Sometimes it's things like 'picking nettles smarts a tad' but sometimes it's something important 'don't poke the Big Issue seller in the eye' etc.

Personally when I'm in that situation DD and I 'race' to see who can get to the end of the street fastest and she (and any other tots in the vicinity are allowed to 'win'.

Of course if you've got an appointment you can't spend an hour going ten yards, but in that case, may I suggest a buggy may be more appropriate?

I am much like yourself, snowleopard.
For me, I think it is the fact that my patience threshhold has already been reached by the time we get out the door, what with all the carry on getting jackets and shoes on.
Also, I agree that there are some people (few and far between, but always memorable!) who let kids in their care do whatever the hell they like. Or make empty threats - that bugs me most.

Oh, yes, we always take the buggy if there's a rush. Top tip!

Depends. If I'm in a hurry, maybe not. But sometimes we're just out for a walk, and I start to hurry dd, and then just think "Why? We're not in a rush to go anywhere. Why can't she spend 5 mins staring at buttercups". I agree with you on when it inconveniences someone else, but when it doesn't, I think it can help to think "does it actually matter if she's emptied all the boxes out of a cupboard? Again." When I stop to work out why I'm irritated, quite often there's no good reason...

I get annoyed by dawdling which is deliberate delay tactics for something DS doesn't want to do: go to bed, go to nursery. He gets three warnings then is picked up and made to get on with it. But otherwise, if he's not doing anything actually naughty (like destroying flowers in someone's garden) then I let it slide. The world is a big place to explore, and we can all benefit from slowing down a bit i think.

There is a scale, obviously, of too much laxity and too much control. Maybe some of your friends could benefit from your more disciplined approach. But maybe you could move a bit in their direction too.

ohh yes if i have to go in boots for example (ds HATES it for some reason) i do put him in the buggy to be fair, at least then he can moan but i know where he is! We do alot of the racing type games or i say stupid things like did you see that squirrel run round the corner? Lets go find it. Works for us!

No this is when we're actually going somewhere, like going swimming or out for lunch or to the museum etc. OK it may not be super time-critical but I just hate spending an hour and a half waiting for someone else's 3yo to shift their arse.

I don't have a problem with parents letting their children take all the time in the world if they're not actually going anywhere in particular or if they're on their own. It's when we're in a group and one child is allowed to make everyone wait indefinitely.

fluffyanimal, funny you should say that about 3 warnings. i tell ds i will count to 3 so you better had x.... and this am i said im going to count to 3 and you better be in the bathroom so i go 1... 2... (delaying number) and he goes 3!!! looking all pleased with him self! so hard not to lol at him!

mad4, bless! They do know how to charm you don't they!

Snowleopard, if it is specifically when a group is held up, of course one should also be teaching one's toddler about awareness of other people, so i can see where you are coming from there.

I definitely agree about the tactics - I use all sorts with DS - racing, reminding him of something exciting up ahead, counting paving stones etc. - like any 3yo he does want to dawdle and I understand that. But recently I have had just so much standing around waiting - and DS has to wait too of course - to the point where I want to bellow at the other child "GET A BLARDY MOVE ON!"

The other thing to say is you probably annoy your kids just as much when you stop to chat with other mums - at least I do

Oh, whomoved - I remember that as a kid - just could not understand how they weren't bored senseless by just talking.

If I have to hurry, I'll pick dd up, or put her in buggy, and explain we have to hurry and why. If she wanders into neighbours garden, I'll bring her out again and explain why its not ok.

I think its fine to need to hurry sometimes, and not fine to let kids kick other peoples' gardens, and parents looking the other way while kids do whatever annoys me too, BUT...

...its not naughtiness, its normal, curious, or boisterous, toddler behaviour. The world is a playground. So its up to me to own MY need to hurry, or whatever, and not make them feel naughty for dawdling.

Urgh, that sounds lecturey, I'm rushing, sorry

I was getting ds off a wall today when a lovely old lady shocked the life out of me (doing some gardening and I hadn't seen her) and said "it's fine, let him have a run around in garden if you want"

So, I did, thinking why not, we're in no rush today! I was quite impressed with myself actually. Praise the lord for patient and lovely old ladies who keep lovely gardens.

So, it depends on how busy, our moods etc on how much slack I cut him.

I'm of the "let them dawdle" school in theory but practicalities take over too many times. This morning I was in a rush and stressed (phone from school re DS's behaviour, 8 month old DD2 had nearly swallowed a metal ball) and turned to DD1 to tell her to hurry up. She'd stopped to pick me a flower. It made me cry with the injustice of how it will have come across to her.

aw cristina!

Replies have made me ponder my dawdling policy... I think I do have a tendency to want to fit loads into the day - not just activities for DS, but errands like food shopping and post office (am SAHM 2 days a week so we do a lot of stuff on those days) - so I suppose it is kind of unfair on him that he gets to dawdle less than his peers.

Often my "plan" for a day with a toddler would be

1. go outside

2. dawdle around the neighbourhood

3. go home, satisfied and exhausted.

I think it's easy to overschedule small people For Their Benefit, and I think it's easy to be expecting them to be living life according to our agendas far too much of the time.

Small children live so much in the present, in the right now. If they are enjoying smelling the flowers, then smell the flowers with them and sod going to the library to look at books about smelling flowers.

When in a real unavoidable hurry, buggy or bicycle or scooter or backpack for tired legs. Or a bus. Whatever.

Other people's garden walls can be a great prop for encouraging a child to go a little faster while not upsetting them.

And as for other people - I always meet them at the venue - the swimming pool or wherever. Then everyone can take their own sweet time to get there and you meet up on the children's schedule. Much less stressful. Many more "we're just on our way..." texts

i dont do dawdling.i just use a buggy if i have to be somewhere at a certain time,and let dd2(2.6)walk when we are just having a weekend wander.

i do dislike the swing-hogging thing,especially when the mothers plonk the toddlers in the swing then leave them and stand there chatting.

We dawdle but only when we're on our own and with no where particular to be. I have been out with a friend who lets her DS set the 'agenda' as it were and it is a right royal PITA.

With regards to the question about the behaviour issue in general. I don't think kids really think through the consequences of their actions eg kicking flowers etc so I probably wouldn't make much of that but I do think that I'd be a bit at parents that didn't correct their behaviour.

Oh totally agree ninja it's not that I'm shocked when children do those things, just when they aren't stopped and told not to. Letting them "set the agenda" is spot-on.

With some people it's as if they have a dread of upsetting their child by ever curbing their behaviour or saying no to them. Then I stand there and fume!

But the more you try to hurry them up the more they dawdle.

So I make the getting there a game like a race... otherwise just have to go at their pace or I get too stressed.

Every stick, stone, hole in a wall and flower/weed is there to be investigated by small children.

I;m with onwardandupward, we love to dawdle with our ds's 3.5 and 24m

But I'd have to ask on this "setting the agenda" thing...

Why does the adult agenda to get from A to B at a fast pace trump the children's agenda of being here and looking at an ant on the pavement?

Or why does the agenda of one child (ready to move fast from A to B) have to trump the agenda of the other child (wanting to take more time over the journey)? If there are enough adults, then let some go fast and others go slow and meet up later. I hate that social pressure of having to transition from one place to another while worrying about whether this pace is alright not only for me and my children but also for another person and their children. Makes it much harder for each of the parents to be concentrating on and helping their own children too, because they are so busy trying to have a conversation at the same time. Save the conversation for the soft play cafe, that's what I say!!! (mmm, soft play cakes... wanders off looking hungry...)

On the question of intervening when a child is destroying other people's flowerbeds, I think absolutely, one should be helping one's children to understanding that this is Not Done, and finding them better things to do, and in fact, heading them off before they ever got to the garden gate of the flower bed owner. All of those things are much easier to do if another mum and her child aren't standing watching and waiting IMO... (or maybe I'm just one of those people who get completely rabbit-in-headlights when being watched in difficult situations)