Desperate to help my overweight child - advice needed please

[aintnosaint]

I'm distraught that I've upset my daughter tonight, I didn't mean to but I'm at my wits end.

I'm a mum of 5 dc, 4 girls & 1 boy. We eat pretty healthily but my 8 yr old daughter is overweight and I'm getting really upset about it. They all eat the same food apart from one who's a veggie and none of the others put weight on apart from my 8 yr old. I've bought a 10 ft trampolene to encourage fun excersise, we have a lot of land and they are able to run around, ride their bikes/scooters etc but nothing seems to be helping her to lose any weight.

She's never really overeaten, they all have a healthy cereal, fruit or yogurt for breakfast. Packed lunch is made up of a sandwich or tortilla wrap with chicken or ham and salad, fruit, yogurt drink, small biscuit & a bottle of water.

Evening meals are usually pasta, rice, jacket or boiled potatoes, meat or fish and plenty of veg. Occassionally we'll have oven chips for a change. They're allowed to eat unlimited fruit, salad & raw veggies if they get peckish.

They all get occasional treats, ice pop or a lolly if the weathers hot. High fat treats are few and far between because they are too tempting even for me.

Over the past couple of weeks she seems to be wanting to eat all the time, she can't possibly be hungry so I tell her she must really be thirsty and ask her to drink a glass of water instead. It's got to the point where she's crying now if I say she can't have anything to eat and today I said she'd pop if she eat anymore and she broke down and said your calling me fat. I was heartbroken that I'd upset her but I just didn't know what else to do or say.

I sat down with her and tried to explain to her that I wouldn't be a very good mum if I just allowed her to eat and eat because it would make her poorly I don't really think I explained it properly or I got through to her and I feel totally crap and useless.

I love my dc to bits and I want to help all I can but I just don't seem to be going about it the right way. I really need some advice how I can talk to her without hurting her feelings and her feeling bad about herself.

Can anyone please help me?

I saw this in the middle of the night but couldn't type as it wakes up dp.

Can't help an awful lot but just wanted to bump for the daytime crowd. You seem to be feeding her plenty of healthy food but as she has mentioned the 'fat' word it sounds like someone may have teased her. It might help to speak to her teacher to find out if anything is going on at school. And a trip to the GP if she really is hungry all the time.

Good luck.

i am going through something similar with my dd1. have stopped shop bought cakes, am telling dh to hide his junk food, and keep directing her to the fruit bowl, which results in tears and tantrums.

BUT she did point out two days ago, then she has some light fuzz under her armpits. so am feeling a bit better, as thought it was me feeding her wrong/making her fat and i think it now could be down to hormones and the fact she is reaching puberty soon. she isnt actually that heavey for her age, but is a shorty (like me) and i think this makes her chunkier than she is.

she has a bit of fat round her middle, but actually managed to wear a skirt today that she couldnt fit in 6months ago, so maybe she is finally thinning out/growing upwards.

It does sound like there maybe something else going on.

Is she exercising or just finding a quiet spot in the garden and reading!

Is she finding food else where - pocket money being spent on crap you don't know about?

She may be having a growth spurt, so hungry all the time at the moment.

I think a trip to the GP may be in order but just how you do that, WITHOUT turning it into an issue in front of her, I've no idea.

I can only think a full and frank discussion with her about exactly what she's eating, where and when AND finding out how much exercise is really being achieved, is the way to go. Also, see if you can find out if she is being teased because that'll do more damage than a talk about things with a mother who loves her.

Also, is it worth considering a gymnastics class/dancing class etc, to ensure she IS doing exercise?

aintnosaint

I think you have to bite the bullet and have stricter rules about eating for your whole family.

Please try to cut out all snacking / helping oneself to food (even if it is "healthy") as snacking distorts appetite badly for some people. It's not a good habit for anyone to get into.

And try to cut down on the amount of carbohydrate that your children are eating for their evening meal - a portion the size of a fist is all that is needed.

Do you think your children are eating enough protein (meat, fish, cheese)? Protein is very important for healthy development and is a great way of keeping appetite under control as well.

aintnosaint, I'm the one with a weight problem in our house and recently I joined Slimming World.
They have a special programme devised for children and I think they either go completely free or at a very reduced rate.
There are several pre-teens at our group.
The SW consultants are often mums themselves and ours is brilliant with our younger members.
You family diet sounds extremely healthy so I think talking to someone else might help you pinpoint what is going just slightly awry for your dd. If not SW (have to be honest, I'm not sure there's much to "correct" in that eating plan ) then a nurse practitioner at the GP. Ruling out any underlying medical condition, maybe your dd needs to up her personal activity. Access to space to run about and fun stuff like trampolines doesn't necessarily mean she is making good use of them.
Good luck and don't worry about upsetting her. Although I hope not, I think she may have been told she was fat by someone else - at school maybe

I think it's concerning that she is hungry all the time and becomes upset if she can't eat.

I think it's likely that she has made some associations with food which are not particuarly healthy. She may be finding it difficult to judge when she's actually full, sher may be seeking 'treats' as comfort, and it may have become a habit.

of course there could also be some physical reason such as a growth spurt or impending puberty.

I'd have a trip to a doctor, ask for a referral to a dietician. YOU go, without her, so she knows nothing about it. Discuss her diet in depth, and make any recommended changes.

BUT dieticians rarely address the psychological aspect, which is often the central point in overeating, and I think it may well be here.

Read up on this. I would recommend Paul mckenna's book FOR YOU to read (hide very well from her, it has the word THIN on the front!!!) but imo he gives a good overview of some of the psychological reasons for overeating and being overweight and some straegies for tackling them. It may give you some ideas about how to approach things with her (obviously NOT listening to the CD) but things like working on identifying when she is full and stoppping to eat when she is full, and enjoying eating.

I thnk most overeating is down to poor associations with food and food habits that beome warped over time. This starts early.

I would seriously warn against putting chilren on diets or taking them to slimming groups. They may loose weight, but you are likely to be setting them up for a liftime of weight fluctuation and dieting.

Slimming clubs only address the food aspet and not all the underlying associations and habits, which can be 'controlled' whilst on a diet but have not been addressed.

I think it sounds like you know plenty about healthy eating aintnosaint, and that is not the problem. I really think her associations may have become unhealthy.

I was a chubby child, and would spend alot of time pondering what was in the cupboards, what I could have next, how long till my next traet, what Mum would let/not let me have etc. I am far from alone on that, in our society it's quite normal. But actaully it's food obsessesd, why are you thnking about food if you are not hungry? whay are you continuing to eat when you are full? why do you not know when you are hungry and when you are full?

These are the more important areas to be addressed imo, particuarly at such a young age. PLEASE do NOT mention the word diet to her!!!

Anna888 I'm smiling to myself because I have exactly the opposite advice...but that's why we love Mumsnet.

I come from a family where weight was always an issue (my big sister was fat), and have had food issues, thought not really weight issues, my whole life. From my experience, I would say the first crisis intervention needs to be on the psychological side. Even now, as an adult, if someone were to say to me "you can't have food when you want it" I would feel controlled and desperate, and would want to grab for as much as I could, while I could. Try not to foster that mentality in your dd. And don't, if at all possible, get into a situation where YOU are controlling her food intake. The standard advice about toddler diets, namely "the parent is responsible for providing the food, the child is responsible for how much of it they eat" still applies. Truly, you can't win this battle unless something shifts inside your dd - YOU can't stop her eating. She spends too much time away from you, out in the world. So many children get a bit podgy at one point and then slim down. Try to ride this out without making food, intake and weight a huge issue. You CAN do it, especially if the rest of the family eats reasonably well and is not overweight. Anna888 curernt thoughs about losing weight are more towards eating six small, healthy, low fat,nutritious meals a day - the advice about no snacking is outdated. Rather provide fruit, veg etc whenever your dd wants it, and slowly, when she feels less frantic about all this, she will regulate her own intake. In teh meantime, encourage lots of exercise and try not to offer high fat things.

I hope that helps.Your post really touched me. Good luck

the food you're feeding her sounds fine

I once went through a growth spurt about aged nine (lasted two weeks of eating) and my mum had taken me to granny's and I ate a whole tin of Heinz tomato soup and two plates of mince and tatties. I remember my mum being embarassed but my gran reassured her (she was a food and nutrition teacher) that it was just a growth spurt. Went back to eating normally and grew 2 inches that summer

If you normally don't mention diets and have no obvious food issues yourself then I wouldn't draw attention to it now. I would then review it again after the summer.

Keep a little more of an eye on what exercise she is doing and encourage family games over the summer holidays. If there are issues like her stealing food/eating more than you know about then you will know during the school holidays cos she will be with you.

worriermum - here in France the advice for children is very clearly to eat 3 meals a day, plus a snack at tea time - the mid-morning snack at school is not allowed.

And you know - people in Paris are an awful lot slimmer than in London...

Thank you all very much for your replies, sorry I've not responded sooner but I've been paying special attention to everything thats been going on so I can come back with more info.

I have been seriously considering a visit to the gp but as said here I don't want to alarm my dd or make it an issue and make things worse. She's not the largest in her yr and it's difficult to explain as she's not really fat but she's a very large buid if that makes sense? She's just started growing out of aged 9-10 clothes and I've had to start getting 11-13 yrs and cutting the legs down so they fit her.

she's the youngest of my 5 dc. My eldest dd who is now 19 was exactly the same but it was a lot harder dealing with her as she was spoilt rotten by my grandmother (who has sadly passed away now) and my mum. Being the only child at the time she was fed lots of crap much to my upset and dissapointment of them but they took no notice of my views which didn't help at all with her size.

She lost all the weight and slimmed down when she hit about 13 when she started being with her friends more than family and boys became of interest to her. She's now happily settled living with her fiance and as gained weight again more through drink and lack of excersise and probably because she's happy and contented now.

My other 4 dc don't see my mum much so they don't get fed all the high calorie/fat crap that she thinks they want. The others are all very slim built, all each much the same, my 14 yr dd is out with friends most the time, my 11 yr ds spends most of his time playing on his ds, my 13 yr dd is as lazy as they come, if she went any slower she'd stop and is the slimmest of all, my 8 yr dd never stops, she's either running round outside, bouncing on the trampolene or doing cartwheels and headstands in the house, she drives me insane sometimes with it but she's the largest?

I have noticed that I think she's obsessed with food, she talks about food, wants to eat food, watches others when their eating, even after she's eaten she wants to know whats for her next meal and when it will be.

I do try very hard to be as healthy as possible because I've gained weight over the yrs of having my dc and I'd say I'm a fat person. I think being 'fat' as become an issue to all of them recently with all the media coverage and schools now doing these health/weight checks etc, even my 13 yr dd who's as thin as a rake says she's fat !!!

I do allow unlimited fruit/salad/raw veg etc as snacks if they're hungry to stop them wanting to snack on crappy foods. I hate crisps and wont even allow them in the house but they do get the occassional biscuit, chocolate bar or a pkt of sweets now and then, I don't want to make them feel deprived or that I'm a nasty evil mum who never lets them eat what all their friends eat

I just wanted to add I know she's not buying junk food because she doesn't get spending money and because of where we live it's not possible for her to nip off to the corner shop to buy sweets/chocolate etc, we live out in 'sticks' so to speak on a smallholding.

You sound like a good mum, not a bad one. A bad mum would give in and hand over the icecream so she could have 2 mins of peace.

I think you should take her to the doctor though. Just to get some support, to send out the right messages; that you are supporting her to lose weight for health reasons, and not trying to make her conform to 'cute and pretty'.

Her 'always being obsessed with food' sounds like a very challenging situation, and I bet you could really do with some helpful strategies from the experts..

I think your right, I just don't seem to be able to work out how to go about this the right way myself an expert opinion is what I need really.

I've had a good chat with her and she's happy in herself and at school she says no one bullies her about it and she as lots of friends at school, they come around and play here quite a lot and all get along fine.

I tell all my dc the are beautiful and they should never let what others may say about them get them down and if they are ever upset about anything to always come to me and talk and I will be there for them. It's easy to say it but I know it can hurt if people are nasty about you and I do worry that she may get bullied or picked on for her size and I'd be just as hurt as her if she did

this was my thread

Funnily enough, I was pondering this the other day. My children snack all the time, eat huge meals and none of them are overweight. Maybe it helps that we dont have crisps and sweets in the house, but probably we are just genetically lucky.

Can you join her to some kind of regular sport? Ice dancing, self defence, roller-blading, swimming?
Does she watch too much tv, or play video games?

with my own weight, I find that 10 minutes of exercise, or just 100-200 calories, makes the difference between gaining and losing weight in a day (I weigh myself a lot, and know the calories in everything I eat, but that's just my way of controlling my weight). What I mean is, that the difference between the children who put on weight and the ones who dont, may not be very big.

I am not entirely sure that providing healthy meals is always enough. We had very healthy meals when I grew up and very little junk food. My parents did not have food issues, but enjoyed food in a relaxed way, nor was food used as comfort or reward in our family. All in all, I'd say as healthy an attitude as you could find.

Yet while I and two of my brothers have remained within healthy weight limits all our lives, our eldest brother has been overweight since his teens. Obviously, we got the same kind of food, and were exposed to the same attitudes surrounding food.

I can only see one difference between him and the rest of us and that is that he ate enormous portions (still does). My parents did not restrict his food intake deliberately, but it was very noticeable that he got anxious if he thought there was not going to be enough of something, as if something dreadful would happen if he had to leave the table without being full up to the brim. What the OP says about her dd's obsessive interest in food definitely rings a bell with me: my brother was like that and I remember as a child thinking it odd. I liked my food but it certainly wasn't the most interesting thing about my day.

Even to this day, my db will not accept that his weight might be something to do with the quantities he eats; he thinks if he takes exercise and eats (mainly) healthy food, then he shouldn't be overweight. But he eats at least twice as much as dh at any sitting, and if he arrives at someone's house when he's just had his meal and they are still eating he will sit down and eat another one. It's like he really doesn't feel full.

I have no explanation as to why this happened, or why one child out of four turned out like this, nor indeed what my parents ought to have done about it. And I am afraid I have no useful suggestions for the OP. Except that I think it is very important to strengthen your dd's self-confidence in other areas. The one thing that was noticeable about my brother was that he was generally more anxious and less confident than his younger siblings; I think he was just born that way- I recognise him to some extent in my ds.

Also I think 8 is too young to make a big issue about weight.

Message withdrawn

I think she is too young to have any pressure put on her at all.
If she is still hungry offer fruit and raw veg AFTER dinner.
I think you are worrying unnecessarily, many children go through a slightly chubby phase, esp if big built as you mention.
The worst thing you can do is give her a complex now, esp if she is naturally larger than normal.
Please relax!

I was an overweight child - not thin now, but not as overweight as I think I could have been due to my childhood attitudes to food. My parents were great about it - got me involved in cooking and got me involved in dance classes that the local council ran - dance was not a sport, so it was OK for me as a child to do it - mainly jazz dance, but there are so many classes available.

Definitely: there is no point making food the issue, but getting involved in the cooking of food and the food science of it all really helped. The dancing was fun for someone who wasn't very good at making new friends, so I would suggest it anyway - it's the "fitness" feeling, rather than the "thinness" feeling is a much healthier way to go.

In any case, I wish you luck - I was that child, with the thin-and-could-eat-anything-sister, and it's so horrible when adults look and compare.

Thank you again for your replies.

I think we do eat plenty of protein if we have a good mix of fish, poultry or meat etc with our evening meal. Most of our food is either home grown or home reared, we have our own chickens/ducks/geese so we have also have our own layed eggs but we buy in some basics.

I don't use much cheese tbh, I'm not a lover of it but the dc do like it. I'd never dream of putting her on a 'diet' but while bathing her tonight I also noticed one of her nipples is introverted (if thats the right term) it's slightly puckered around it and looks to be pulled in? While I was looking at it I mentioned casually that we will pop into the doctors to let the nurse have a little look at it.

She was laid back and fine about it so I guess it will also give me a chance to have a chat with her about some advice regarding her weight and her wanting to eat all the time.

We do make all meals from scratch and the dc do sometimes help out with that if they want to but I'll try to make more of an effort to involve her with planning etc see if that helps.

Nighbynight - we don't live in town and theres not really many clubs etc or anywhere near we're she could join but I'll look into the possibility, having said that she's not really a tv watcher etc she's always on the go, we have a small holding with about 20 acres of land, lots of animals so if shes not playing she's out with dad feeding the animals, picking veg etc.

Oldblueeyes - that is my main worry tbh, I really don't want to give her a complex or make her feel different in any way. My fears may be a bit OTT and I know it's rare but kids do get depressed and take their own lives and I'd be inconsolable if she ever felt so bad about herself that she didn't want to live anymore.