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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

my baby wants to be held all the time- i am loving it but scared there may be a grain of truth in the "rod for your own back" tirade

47 replies

beforesunrise · 12/06/2008 19:37

hi all, my dd2 is 4 weeks old today and, compared with her older sister a real sweetie. by that age dd1 was a colicky fussy insomniac baby (she is still not a good sleeper, but is a great funny energetic toddler now). i tried to do everything by the book (you know which one) needless to say the book didn't work....and almost ended up with pnd in the process, and didn't properly bond with her until she was maybe 5-6 months.

with this one... i co-sleep, bfeed whenever and wherever, and whenever she is fussy i pop her in the sling where she regularly falls asleep. she ends up being on me about 90% of the time. sometimes when i put her down she'll stay asleep, most often she wakes up. so i pick her up again. i simply never ever want to go through the nightmare that was pupd or similar...

the truth? i am loving every minute of it. sometimes it does get tiring but i am loving being so close to her and i feel i am finally getting back some "newborn" time after going through hell with dd1. i figure things will fall into place somehow, but then all those "helpful" people point out to me that i am spoiling her, that i am making a rod for my own back, she must sleep by herself, you can't feed her all the time, a routine is key...etc etc etc.

i guess i would just like some reassurance from people that things will work themselves out...

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

bambi06 · 12/06/2008 20:55

i totally agree, my third is now 9 months and ive co slept since he was born and knowing he is my last[read my lips..HE IS MY LAST ] i feel even closer to this one than to all the others because im doing what i feel right and id say the same to you .go with you r instincts..if that is what you want why not..ooh im missing that newborn stage already...boo hoo! my son at the moment decides he wants to sleep on my head at night ..very bizarre and not the most comfortable..maybe in a past life he was a cat cos my cat used to sleep like that too...heh maybe he is a reincarnation of my adorable little puddy cat..

tearinghairout · 12/06/2008 20:57

Babies need to be held and be made to feel secure. It's the most natural thing in the world - please don't listen to people who tell you otherwise.

PhDlifeNeedsaNewLife · 12/06/2008 20:57

beforesunrise, my ds was like that.

when he was tiny, I couldn't put him down to sleep, he'd just wake and cry. MN saved my sanity, telling me to just get on with it (and I made a few friends in the many hours I spent sitting on the sofa, sleeping baby in one dead arm, laptop on the other!) Remember the mantra - "go with the flow!"

Now ds is 14m. We more or less co-sleep (I love it, the snuggles cancel out the starfish impersonations). And as he's grown I've got to know he's just a watchful little person - he plays as near to me as he can get; shouty children in the playground make him cry, and although he can walk, he'd rather hold onto me. I do all I can to encourage him. On the other hand, he'll be independent for a very long time, so I've decided not to worry about it - that's just who he is.

Enjoy getting to know your dd

Zeeky · 12/06/2008 21:00

When DS was newborn he didn't like sleeping in his moses basket during the day and would only sleep in my arms or on my chest, and only if he was rocked nad sug to. The whole time I was panicking that I was "spoiling" him and that he would never go to sleep in a big cot by himself, when I should have just enjoyed it!! Now 10mths old he sleeps 12 hours at night as well as a couple hours in the day, goes to sleep on his own in his cot and is generally very good, although he no longer likes to be cuddled and kissed!!

With next one I will definitely enjoy the snuggly phase while it lasts.

Enjoy!

Thomcat · 12/06/2008 21:04

When my DD was awake she was held and cuddled. When she slept I slept next to her breathing her in. She slept in my bed, every night for 6.5 months. What she asked for she got. I couldn't do enough for her. She was superglued to me and I loved it. Now she's 8.5 months , loves her own cot, she finished breastfeedign, and then leans out of my arms and stretches out her arms for the cot, she wants to crawl around on her own, explore things herself, be a bit more independent and it's fab.

Ditto the other 2 tbh.

I have 2.5 totally independent, happy, confident, unclingy children, that are very much mummies girls when it comes down to it but are so happy to be in the company of others, without me

You'll never get these totally wonderful amazing early days again, go for it, love it

BabiesEverywhere · 12/06/2008 21:05

I did the whole, carry, cuddle, co-sleep thing with my confident happy 21 month old DD, I still wear her/co-sleep occassional.

I can't wait for my new baby to arrive and I'll have another newborn to snuggle all day and night.

The only thing I would change from last time, is to laugh out loud, at the silly people who believe the whole 'spoiling' and 'rod for your own back'

twentypence · 12/06/2008 21:10

Happy brain stem - happy baby.

Having a body not flooded with cortisol is very healthy for a baby, and for mum too.

Enjoy the time, BTW a four week old simply hasn't got the brain development to "learn" anything by being left in a cot.

treacletart · 12/06/2008 21:17

Ditto Ditto Ditto!!!! I'm so enjoying DD (10m) I've done exactly the same as you and its been an absolute breeze compared to first time around with DS. As a consequence she is the happiest, easiest baby I know. Bollocks to routines - babies know what they want

ChunkyMonkeyToo · 12/06/2008 22:02

Echo everyone here. Did exactly the same as you with dd - including the panicking about rods, worrying about people's comments, doubting own instincts- what a waste of time when I could have been just blissfully snuggling! She's 13 months now, still wants to be held a lot of the time but is the happiest, most sociable, cuddly child ever - loves other people too, and especially slightly older children. Enjoy every minute of it and go completely with your instincts. If you want some counter arguments about how the research shows that the approach you're taking is good for her mental, emotional and social health take a look at 'Why love matters' - a good place to start.

ChunkyMonkeyToo · 12/06/2008 22:03

Of course, with a four week old you'll have lots of time for reading books

idontbelieveit · 12/06/2008 22:12

ahhh, the op has made me feel all warm and misty eyed. Enjoy it, it's a wonderful thing you're doing and I bet your baby loves it too.

RemindMe · 13/06/2008 10:01

DS4 is 13 weeks and I am hardly able to put him down (and also don't really want to ). My older three were just the same and they are all now good sleepers, happy, sociable and still very cuddly.

Enjoy these lovely days.

jollydo · 13/06/2008 10:12

You are def doing the right thing. I still love to think back to the days of cuddling ds1 and 2 on the sofa just staring at them - I think it's so important for bonding and making them feel safe & loved. Couldn't be so inactive when ds2 came along because of having to look after/entertain ds1, but used sling a lot instead (which really calmed ds2 down when niggly) and when ds1 had gone to bed I often sat cuddling a sleeping ds2 in the evening as I felt I still wanted that cuddling time.

hubarbspong · 13/06/2008 22:06

Babies need contact, they are a little mess of scared, happy, sad, upset, angry, tired, hungry and grumpy emotions. The only way they can feel secure is by contact with someone. Well known paediatrician and child psychoanalyst D.W Winnicott talked of 'there being no such thing as a baby', we can only view the child in the context of its relationship with its mother, the best thing we can do for our children is to 'keep them in mind', as long as you are able to do that then everything else will get there in its own time.

mollymawk · 13/06/2008 22:16

Right.
To all these rod-for-your-own-back, they-have-to-get-used-to-sleeping-on-their-own people you can say - but they have to get used to eating solid food, and going to school, and earning their own living too, at some point. But no-one suggests making a 4 week old do them.
Babies need to do what is age-appropriate for them.

twentypence · 14/06/2008 03:10

To all the people who say "they have to learn". They can't; they don't have the correct brain development at 4 weeks.

Original poster

beforesunrise · 14/06/2008 07:33

thanks guys- all these replies have cheered me up no end and have confirmed that i am doing the right thing :-)

i guess my fear stems from the fact that dd1, while being a loving, adored, bright and feisty toddler (everyone comments just how independent and smart she is) is such a long way away from sleeping on her own or sleeping through and over the years the really rude and sometimes cruel comments i got on her lack of sleep have really got me down. we tried everything short of controlled crying and now are more or less cosleeping with her- we are fine with it and have accepted that it's one of those things, she will do it in her own time, but once my boss asked me if she's autistic for not sleeping through, and i have lost count of the number of times mums at playgroups etc have told me oh it's your fault you're clearly not doing things right... anyway, while i am much stronger and able to laugh these things off, i must say that years of negative comments on my parenting style have left me a bit vulnerable.... i feel that god forbid dd2 turns out to be a bad sleeper i will not be able to live with the sense of failure.

my head needs looking at, right?

OP posts:

twentypence · 14/06/2008 08:58

Your dd1 is irrelevant - your youngest is only 4 weeks - at this age no amount of cuddles can be 'wrong'.

halogen · 14/06/2008 21:43

They sleep through when they're ready! You can't make them and I don't believe you can teach them to do it. All you can do is be sensitive to what they need and if that happens to be lots of cuddles, well, why on earth not? I reckon most people would be pretty happy if they were being cuddled by the person they love best in the world. Also, at 4 weeks, their needs and wants are identical, IMO. She's not asking to be cuddled just because she can, she's asking because that's what she really really needs. Good on you for giving it to her. You are teaching her that the world is a friendly place that will supply what she needs if she asks and setting her up for a lifetime of security and happiness.

Also, they all said 'rod for your own back' to me, too. And they were all wrong.

ilovewashingnappies · 14/06/2008 21:56

Everyone said that stupid rod thing to us when DD was around 2 months and sleeping on us, being in sling etc etc. I was worried she wouldn;t cope when she had a few days aweek at nursery but the nursery staff said I should continue as I was and they'd fit it.

DD now sleeps in her cot at nursery, plays happily on her own but is happy to sleep on us at home. She sleeps well in her own cot in her own room at night.

I honetsly belive that those times us sleeping together and her waking up to have a suckle, smile up at me then doze off again were (and are) fabulous for all of us. Little one has total snuggly, love, Mummy is resting and daddy can join in by cuddling in too.

I love my rod!!!

blueshoes · 14/06/2008 22:14

beforesunrise, your dds are very lucky to have such a relaxed and accepting mother. They will blossom.

twentypence · 15/06/2008 05:03

You could always look confused and say "no she's not called Rod, she's called....."

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