Newborn hates being held by anyone- including me.

[AnnabelMc]

My baby has just turned 10 weeks ago on Sunday but ever since he was around 3 weeks old he cries being held by anyone- including myself. It takes all of 20 seconds before he screams at the top of his lungs, throwing his head back and kicking his arms and legs. I have tried every position possible and he will tolerate maybe one or two for perhaps 5 minutes if he’s in a good mood.
Everyone I have spoken to has never heard of a baby who doesn’t want to be held by its mum, usually the opposite of not wanting to be put down. When I get the response of ‘my baby was the opposite and didn’t want to be out of my arms’ unfortunately doesn’t help me.
I don’t think he has colic or reflux because he is fine being lay down flat and in his Bjorn bouncer.
His nappies are fine and he rarely brings anything up.
I am breastfeeding and it is the only time I get to hold and be close to my baby. He is pretty much happy every time he’s nursing and it is the only way I can soothe him.
I feel like I spend every day on an endless cycle of making sure he doesn’t cry.
Pretty much everything does make him cry so I have to use a dummy or put him on the boob. This usually calms him.
I have to note he’s rarely ever inconsolable where I’m thinking there is a serious problem/ he’s in any major pain- it’s more he just seems unhappy and easily upset. It saddens me so much that he’s not a happy baby and nothing I can do comforts him. I just want to be able to hold him. I’m worried he’s not bonded to me.
No one can seem to give me an answer or any help.

If anyone has experienced anything similar ?
TIA

Hi OP, this sounds so hard and must be heartbreaking for you too. I want to give you a big hug and tell you that you are an amazing mum and you're doing a great job. The fact that you are trying everything to find out what your little one needs to be happy means he is so lucky to have you as his mum.

My first thought is that he may be in pain when someone holds him? How was the birth? Could he have some tension or misalignement in his neck/shoulders/back/hips? It is worth having him checked by a paediatric osteopath as birth can create some lasting pain sometimes (I did so with both my babies and it was so so helpful!)

Another thought is that maybe sometimes he's being picked up when he's actually comfortable, warm, happy and being moved makes him upset? On the other hand, if you pick him up when he's upset, does he then settle? It may help to tell him you're about to pick him up (or dress him, or whatever) before you do, and I know he won't understand the words yet, but your voice getting closer to him is preparing him rather than the shock of being picked up at once. It sounds over the top but I have 1 child who is hypersensitive and still jow at 5 years old needs a lot of help to prepare for transitions (specially when the change is physical like getting dressed or getting out of the house).

That sounds hard but honestly please don’t worry. Ten weeks is still so new that it really doesn’t mean anything. Babies change so quickly at that age. If he is happy lying on his back, you can pop him on a blanket or floor mat and kneel beside him to interact with him. You don’t have to hold him to bond with him. I think singing to small babies is a lovely thing to do and you can rub his tummy or hold his hand in that position too. He knows you’re his mum. He obviously enjoys the feeling of being unrestricted and the freedom of being able to move his arms and legs.
As long as he is feeding well and you get snuggle time when he’s feeding, you are doing great.
Just remember to keep checking there is nothing restricting him or digging into him when you are holding him. The only way small babies have of communicating is by crying. It’s their way of getting your attention and it’s normal. As he grows and you get more used to each other, you’ll pick up on lots of subtle signals. Congratulations on a healthy baby. Just concentrate on enjoying him. Babies are all different and they are all unique.

Thankyou for your reply!
I had a c section birth and all seemed to go ok- except he cried the whole time he was on my chest whilst they were sewing me back up. The first couple of weeks he was ok being held and from then onward nope.
I have one position that he tolerates and each day I try holding him in different ways to see how much he will let me. I honestly don’t think it makes a difference if he’s upset or happy and content. Sometimes he will let me hold him a short while but others he will start to fuss and cry immediately.

I was contemplating an osteopath but where I live I can’t seem to find a paediatric one. He feeds fine and likes his bouncer/ being laid flat which makes me think he can’t be that uncomfortable or in pain.
I have started to talk to him before I make any movements… hopefully it is just a phase

thanks again for your reply

Thankyou for your reply.
I do snuggle and bond with him in different ways- as you said- I put him on the mat and sing/ play with him and hold his hands. He babbles a lot already so I do it back and get some smiles! I also use BF as snuggle time. I couldn’t imagine giving up now as it’s my only way of comforting him.
I was thinking of booking a holiday in a few months but there’s no way I’d be able to hold him for that long on a flight. We went to a baby class the other day and a part of it was ‘dance with your baby’. He must of felt bad as he let me do it without any fuss 😂 hopefully it’s just a phase. It’s unfortunate but I don’t think there is much to be done. I have been to the GP and she also said it’s very rare but he seems fine and healthy.

thanks for reply!

Can I ask how do you hold him when he then cries, and how do you hold him when he seems to be OK for a little while? I'm asking because I had 2 c-section,ls too, 1 when baby was breech and had to have their hips and legs checked for weeks after birth to avoid permanent malpositioning, and the other was stuck in my pelvis and needed forceps which led to tension in the neck, shoulders, and back, and there were positions that they couldn't tolerate for long (although different for both babies) so that's why I was wondering if maybe there was something similar. You could also check with a chiropractor or even ask your midwife or GP.

But as you say, it may also be a phase. Babies can only communicate by crying, which leaves very little nuance for us to understand what's going on.

Keep reaching out for help though, because dealing with persistent crying day in, day out xan be very taxing on you.