Not again..DD 13 m and won't eat with spoon - any suggestions?

[brightongirldownunder]

I know I've been a regular on this for moaning about DD's lack of appetite. Recently it got better but now the canines are trying to come through and its a real hit and miss again.
Ontop of this mum has been nagging me about DD's refusal to eat with a spoon. She'll eat with her hands and occasionally will pick up the spoon and attempt it but mostly just chucks it on the floor. Breakfast is the worst - firstly I don't know why she isn't hungry when she sleeps though sometimes for 12hrs (though now teething more like a broken 10) and then I try a whole array of things and its clamped mouth syndrome.
Am much calmer than I used to be, but I just wish she'd really enjoy mealtimes.
Will be lambasted for this deservedly but I've been sitting her infront of In The Night Garden in desperation to get food in too. Feel like a shitty mum at the moment.

Can you let her eat with her fingers? I know it's messy but giving her control over what she eats, how much and in which order is going to be much more fun for her. DS used to eat couscous and weetabix (in milk) with his hands. He now uses a fork pretty well. Thankfully.

I haven't seen your other threads so I don't know what she will/ won't eat. At that age, DS would try most things (or throw them on the floor). He'd really enjoy picnics - we'd sit on the floor and eat. And he was always better at eating on the move - he hated being stuck in a chair. I would have preferred him to sit still and eat properly but for the sake of my sanity, I had to give in. I ended up giving him a series of snacks throughout the day instead of 3 meals.

It will get better.

I don't think it's bad if your child isn't eating with a spoon by itself at 13m - my DS2 is 12m and he certainly isn't and doesn't show any signs although he'll happily scoff things with his fingers. And teething - well that throws everything out (hence why I'm posting on Mumsnet at this hour, having been up since 4.30 - he's back asleep but I'm not!!) It's a long time since I had a small baby (DS1 is 7) but I'm pretty sure that your Mum is bbeing a bit optimistic about your baby being able t feed herself at this age.

Try not to get stressed - she'll eat by herself one day, and in the meantime, don't put any excessive pressure on yourself, being a mother is a hard job and there are plenty of other sticks to beat yourself with (if you want one, I'll send you one of mine!)_

Thanks UR - its just that I hate the though of all of her chub going and her getting skinny...
So many mums I know with kids this age constantly tell me how brilliant they are at eating and it really got to me yesterday.
Maybe I should just leave off and let her ask for food? Then she may ask to use the spoon?

Thanks too ITS - I have a whole array of sticks already! Is it really wrong to sit them infront of a TV programme to get them to eat...I know it is as it prevents them from enjoying mealtime, its just this vision I have of a pale, thin bubs..just get it out of my head.

I know it's hard when everyone else is telling you how amazing their child's self-feeding skills are. But ignore them. She'll eat as much as she needs to.

Can you give her a tray/ plate of food and a spoon and let her decide what to do? She might decide to do it herself. Or not. But as long as she eats something, she'll be ok.

And your mum is being unreasonable.

Try not to fret.

And, although I am not a fan of television, do whatever works. If it means she eats and you have peace of mind, go for it.

My mum is not normally like this, but being so far away from her (hence my name) I think may be causing this- everytime she calls she asks "is she eating with a spoon yet?" Oh god I long for the day when I say "YES!!!"
Have slection of fab trays with divisions and lovely pictures. Lunchtime she ate ham and tomatoes, but some pasta in veggie sauce was untouched until I fed her it. Is it ok for me to still be spoonfeeding her?

The Tv is so bad here, I've resorted to DVD's of the Night Garden and the cbeebies website. Sad eh?

Why don't you say "Yes" then? I know it's a little white lie, or maybe "Oh, she's doing sooooo well" and change the subject, so not quite a lie. One less stress for you!

She sounds like she's doing fine, what a nice lunch! (makes mental note to give DS2 some ham) She's only a baby, she'll be feeding herself for eighty years or more, let her have longer if she wants it.

Also, don't take everyone else's word as gospel for what they and their babies are doing - I suspect that they might be stretching the truth too!

If she is happy to be spoon fed, then yes, it's fine. DS (3 in September) sometimes asks for me to feed him so I do.

at thought of DD in 80 yrs!
Its just that I've never been a bragger about DD. Love her dearly and am very proud of her but am prob too honest about things (beats self with stick again)

Start being a bragger!! With DS I was always ready to point out the things he couldn't do - It's an adult thing I guess, playing down your achievements.
I realised though that I'm his Mummy and if I can't be proud of him and brag (just a little) then no-one else will.

I'm not suggesting that you turn into a pain in the ass that goes on and on about her baby but give yourself a break. loads of children cannot use a spoon at 13m - DS is now 4 and still asks for help when he's tired.

Give her the food and a spoon then let her eat however she wants - the main thing is that she eats. You will definatly have to 'finish off' with a spoon.

You sound like a great Mum and it must be really hard being so far away

No baby yet so no experience but another view point.

DH apprently went through a phase of this when he was around this age. MIL (an anxious woman anyhow) has openly admitted that she got very worked up about it and every time he refused something she offered something else until every mealtime lasted for about 2 hours and ended up in tears from both of them. This pattern apprently continued for most of his childhood.

DH now has major issues (bordering on phobia type behaviour) with food at the age of 31! I may be barking up the wrong tree but I do think it has something to do with food being such an issue when he was younger.

Babies won't let themselves starve If she wants to use her hands let her, 13 months is to young to be worried about table manners, just don't let it become a stress for either of you.

Good luck

my ds(1 1/2) got on much better at this age with a little fork rather than a spoon and liked to 'stab' things with it. I always offer cutlery with a meal and a lot of the time he holds it in one hand while picking up the food with the other hand!! If you make the cutlery available and you eat your meals at the same time using your cutlery then it is only a matter of time until your lo copies what you are doing. In the meantime let them get on with using their hands - ds regularly eats yoghurt, mashed potato, cereal, etc with his hands but will also have a go with his spoon and/or fork too.

p.s. I let ds have things like cheerios, shreddies, rice krispes multi-grain, etc for breakfast which are all easy to pick up and shovel in by hand as well as the spoon.

mini shredded wheats (spolsh with enough milk to soften but notso much it goes everywhere) are good finger food too

dd was blw'd but there was always a spoon knocking about. she showed very little interest in them, tbh. i think at around 15-16 months or so she started to use a little fork (like seona says, much easier to stab than scoop) and the spoon came later. but at 2 and a half she still uses her hands if she's hungry and wants the food in her mouth as quickly as possible. i REALLY wouldn't worry about it. my mum had us all out of nappies by 1, apparently... i think sometimes they remember things a little too fondly... i'd deffo white lie it if she's far away.

as the the tv, well, we all know it's not ideal but imo if it keeps your stress levels down then there's something to be said for it. especially if you're spoon feeding, it strikes me that you have to think of the feelings of both parties involved. maybe try to cut down on the number of meals you do it for, though, limit it in that way?

so give yourself a break, for goodness sakes. some babies just don't eat that much. (dd, for example, wouldn't thank me for pasta at lunchtime, but she'd scoff some ham and cucumber, and i'm fine with that because she has NEVER in her life eaten a lot at lunchtime.)

you'll find your rhythm, it'll be fine, i'm sure. and the summer weather is here so make it picnics-a-go-go!

IMO skinny babies are just as happy and healthy as chubby babies. So don't fret.

Her body shape will be changing now from a round baby shape to a taller child shape - she's supposed to look thinner esp on arms and legs. The pot belly goes later. If toddlers remained in the same proportion as babies we'd all be saying "OMG - so fat".

My dd needed to be awake at least 2 hours until breakfast was acceptable - and that's with no milk before breakfast either.

The spoon thing is a red herring. Not quite sure why your mum is so fixated? It has no relevance to intelligence/food intake/skills. Lot's of societies around the world do not use cutlery. Their children are just fine!

Just leave the spoon on her highchair tray.

I think let her do what she wants to.

13m is very early. My DD started feeding herself with a spoon yesterday (20mo) and I was very proud. She'd been absolutely rubbish at it for ages (and when she did grab the spoon she was consistently trying to use it upside down . And she is a child who loves her food so is highly motivated

I would back off a little and let her eat as much or as little as she wants. I think the battles over food aren't worth it as they don't starve themselves.

I feel a bit stupid/paranoid posting this really. But am very glad I did as I obviously needed my butt severely kicked.
Will try the fork and a selection of brekkie ideas.
Anyone recommend good toddler cutlery?
Gagarin - of course you are right, I didn't mean that skiny babies weren't happy and healthy.
Think most of this is unfortunately from my own experience with food, as pussinboots mentioned. I really don't want to give her a food phobia.

It sounds as though your dd is eating a good range of food which is surely more important than using a spoon. Given the choice, I would rather my 2 dcs ate all their food with their fingers rather than only a little food with a spoon.

Another thing to try would be to eat together as much as possible. Just let her get on with eating and she can see you eating with a knife, spoon and fork and she will soon want to copy everything you are doing. As you say, just have the cutlery on her tray.

It sounds as though your mum just wants some boasting tales for her friends so tell her all the other things your dd is doing.

Don't feel stupid!

If your post ends up with you looking at what food means to you and how come you are so worried about your dd and food and why your mother fretting over food is getting your worked up it will have been a VERY GOOD POST .

Loads of us have hang ups about food that come to light when we have our own kids.

What food and eating represents in different familes is amazing! Sometimes the unconscious messages we have been brought up with are bizarre - like "eating my food means you love me"; "rejecting my food means you're rejecting me"; "controlling what you eat makes me feel in control" etc etc etc

Good luck with the next meal....

ps and whhe your mother next says "is she using a spoon" how about replying with "when you ask that I feel...panicked/undermined/a bad mother/unsupported/upset" and then say "why is it her eating with a spoon is so important to you?".

no, don't feel daft, i think you've really achieved something by posting this. i don't know what your issues with food have been but if you've had them then er... i wonder if listening to your mum on anything to do with dd's eating is a good idea?
we hand these things down from generation to generation, imo, perhaps your mum isn't aware of her effect on you? like gagarin says, you could ask her about it, but if she's anything like my mum the best advice is to Switch Off.

Try not to worry (easier said than done I know - I always find something to worry about!) but like others have said she might pick up on it and it could make mealtimes into a big deal. DS is 22 months now and every so often (esp when teething) decides he doesn't like his spoon any more and will eat everything with his fingers (v messy!), so just because your DD isn't using a spoon at the minute doesn't mean she can't, she just prefers not too, and I think she's too young to worry about it. DS will also go through stages of not eating very much at all (in fact for a couple of days last week I'm sure all he ate was a yoghurt!) but once they are hungry they will eat again.

We have several types of toddler spoons and find that DS prefers to eat with one of our teaspoons - probably because it looks the same as our cutlery so he feels grown up.

oh, and Metal forks, not mimsy plastic ones. tesco, boots, woolies and tommmee tippee all do them.