Unconditional parents/non-time-out types: what do you do when your kids hit you, or call you names?

[franch]

I'm doing my best but I don't seem to feel very unconditional when it happens to me ...

They haven't called me any names yet.

When they say they hate me or don't like me, I either ignore or say something like 'You must be really cross to say that' and then try and empathise with them, understand their point of view, get them to word their anger in a more constructive way.

When they hit me 'Hitting hurts/we don't hit people.' Offer them time to calm down in their room (their decision). Talk about what made them cross.

I don't punish them for hitting me because they are little (oldest is 5) and it only occurs when over-excited or v. tired.

With the hitting, I don't always remain calm enough to deal with it. Sometimes, esp when it hurts, I am enraged and shout 'don't hit me' which usually reduces them to tears.

I don't know if I fit your bill - I don't use time-out, but I don't know what an unconditional parent is.... Anyway, mine hasn't called me any names (she's only 3.6) but on the occasions when she has hit me, I have just got very cross and serious and demanded an apology. If she's still too angry to apologise, I tell her I'm leaving her to it until she's ready to calm down and apologise. It doesn't take her very long and we always end up reconciled with a nice cuddle. I find that she takes very seriously the idea of my being cross with her. Dunno whether that's just her personality, or the fact that I don't get seriously cross over many things.

unconditional parenting

wouldn't say I am one but I don't use time out and rarely punish

oh, that's interesting, thanks. I might get hold of the book... I can't really tell from the blurb whether I'd align myself with it or not. But I do instinctively react against time-out and reward charts etc.

I've completely ignored, told firmly No THAT HURTS, distracted and they are slowly beginning to sink in.
Pinched ds very gently t show that hurts then found him later biting himself saying 'mmm, that's lovely, it's nice'
What a nutter..but i think he's just testing his and my pain threshold!

I want that book also. I saw a video yesterday (on a course I'm on) of some ADHD children doing their thing. Some of the teachers there were tutting that the mum was 'letting them get away with it.' I was wishing I'd read that book so that I could throw some quotes at them!In fact I'm going to order it right now!

Otherside - thanks, that makes sense. And thanks everyone else. I really recommend the book btw

I ask my daughter (3.6) to calm down and tell me whatever she is feeling politely. I count slowly to three and by three she is able to say something nice.

I have never hit them or called them names, so they know it is completely unacceptable. I nipped it in the bud when they were small and so it just doesn't happen. If they say they hate me then I say that is OK because I love them. I tend to ignore them but always discuss it afterwards when they are calm. I am not keen on 'naughty steps'.

"I have never hit them or called them names, so they know it is completely unacceptable"

right, so you think the rest of us are hitting our kids and calling them names?

anyway
OP I am another who finds this hard
we are in a name-calling stage at the moment and it is definitely an expression of anger
I say "we don't call names, it hurts people's feelings" etc
"If you are angry with me, say 'I'm feeling angry', don't call me names."

and then he does it again and I lose my rag say something a bit more vehement

oh btw we went through the hitting stage and came out the other side without sanctions or anything other than trying to stop him from being able to hurt us, and saying it was not ok and it hurt us etc
this name calling is a more sophisticated version of expressing anger I think - we are getting there, slowly - this is how children develop - they show a lot of anti-social behaviour on the way! doesn't mean you are getting it wrong
plus IM rather skewed O you are not failing at Alfie Kohn stuff by showing your own genuine feelings about it
people DON'T react calmly and politely if you hurt them - I think it does a child a disservice if we give them the impression that they do

Morning Franch. Are you about next week?

even 'conditional parents'(?)/ time-out types don't hit their children for hitting them

there are consequences to every action that everyone takes in life though ... it seems that the consequence you are reaching for is for your children to accept there is an emotional impact on someone they love because of their actions, have I got that right?

Twiglett, good point.

AbbeyA, Franny, how old are your children?
Just wondering when I can expect DS to get over the hitting me when he is very cross. He is 5. (And we don't hit him when we get cross so he is either copying his peers or responding to a natural instinct)

the thing we have always found useful is to try and understand what the feeling is behind the behaviour (biting or hitting) and then find ways of encouraging DS (2.9 months) to express it helpfully, at the same time as letting him know that all behaviours have an impact on other people (and that biting or calling names hurts). if he is excited, he goes and bites his favourite toy, and if he's cross he goes all red and teary and shouts 'oh dear, i'm NOT happy'. i really have to try hard not to smile sometimes, because it's actually quite sweet. i'm a big fan of Alfie Kohn's, and have always found it useful (though a lot to live up to).

I am sorry if people assumed that I was inferring they called their DCs names or hit them. That was not my intention! They are teenagers now,Othersideofthechannel. To be fair I can't really say how I did it, I just know that things I was absolutely adamant about like being polite and staying in bed once it was bedtime worked-I think it must have been something about tone and body language. Things I wasn't so definite on were not as easy. I think if they were little and hitting I would stay calm and hold them until they stopped and discuss it afterwards.

DS1 went through a stage of hitting and kicking me when he had tantrums when he was around 2 or 3. I told him it was not a nice thing to do and it hurt me, but it passed very quickly. I have never been called names or hit apart from this so I am probably very very lucky and I suppose its easy to be a unconditional parent when you don't have any problems to deal with really.

Thanks everyone this is so reassuring and helpful - seems like everyone we know either does the full-on punishment thing or has children who tow the line.

I often wonder if I simply don't have the sheer patience to be an 'unconditional parent' - which is why it's good to hear that others do let their feelings out at times.

Mars! You'll gather from this thread that things have moved on with the girls somewhat .... they are certainly lively .....

We're in Cornwall next week!!!!!!

My dd age 5 has been hitting me and her brother in bad temper recently.
I have been cross about it and told her I don't like it, and she is not to take her temper out on people like that.

I think that she has to learn to control her temper and I certainly can't teach her that by losing my own temper. So I try to play it cool.

Often when she is being obnoxious and has upset everyone she then says she wants a hug and that is tricky because I want to give her the hug in a different context not in response to her bad behaviour. So I try to distract her and then hug her when everything has calmed down.

Otherside ds is 5
I can't remember when the hitting stopped, but it wasn't ages ago
he was still doing it a year ago for instance

So hopefully not long now. (Although I'm not out of the woods yet as his little sis has just started, aargh!)