Playdates - what would you do?

[Jaynerae]

My DD is 4.9, the oldest in her nursery class. She is very mature for her age. When she was with a child minder she was surrounded by children 12 months older than she was - so has always aspired to do things older children do and has reached milestones much sooner than expected.

She is very sociable and loves her friends at Nursey, particularly the children in her corner. I have friends round for both DC's once a week at the same time.

DS is 9 so he and friend dissapear upstairs.

I keep little ones downstairs with me.

I have started to notice how competitive DD and her friends are, her best friend and DD particularly so, and it is getting to the point I can't stand them arguing and bickering all the time. It is spoiling their play dates.

DD's friend is 6 months younger, but very immature compared to DD. Friend wants everything DD has, she wont always play with DD, but will sit on her own and play with DD's toys. DD gets very frustrated and angry with friend because she wont play with her.

They argue over who has which colour, sticker, plate, cup, chair - it's driving me mad! Last week got so bad - DD's friend wanted to go home! DD was utterly devastated, and begged friend to stay and promised she wouldn't argue any more - but friend was oblivious to DD's distress and just wanted to go home - friend chatted to me in car and was completely happy and just didn't seem to realise DD was upset or why.

I invited another friend round at weekend - thought perhaps she needed break from best friend and I should encourage other friendships - but the same thing happened again. This time friend was a boy - and he also wanted to go home after couple of hours. Again DD devasted, I managed to lighten the mood and get them both at the table painting and stayed with them to supervise.

Am I expecting to much to think they can play together with out me there to supervise? when I say 'there' I mean involved in the play as opposed to on the perimeter just keeping an eye?

what are your DC's and friends play dates like? is this typical of their age group?

DS was never like this, he is very laid back and just goes with the flow.

DD is very strong willed and will make suggestions for play and when friends don't co-operate she gets very frustrated, I am worried that if any one else wants to go home it will knock her confidence really badly. She is determined and stubborn, but is also very caring and loves to share - but say for example she wants to share sweets - she wants to choose which one they have! Friends want to pick their own sweets.

How can I help DD throught this? Is she being to controlling? what can I do to help DD and friends get on better?

Would agree that 2-2 1/2 hours more than long enough for a play date. I have a friend who always wants longer ones than this and I hate them - they never play nicely together for that long and get bored of each other.

Ds is a bit strong willed like this with his friends (has just turned 5) and I find that if I explain to him what is expected beforehand it helps. So we say that the guest gets to pick what they want first and can play with all of ds's toys (except special ones which are "invitation only" and out out of the way beforehand). I have also explained that he needs to ask guests what they want to play and try and play their games with them. When I can see it is going wrong, I leap in with suggestions for a new game.

Ultimately though all you can do is guide her, I have had to learn that I have to leave ds to conduct his own relationships and learn from people's reactions what they find unacceptable.

Agree with spin; it is still pretty young and while some might go off and play happily, others will argue. It will depend on their personalities too - like you say, she might get on better with older children sometimes, perhaps because she 'defers' to their authority a bit more than with her peers. It might be worth giving her a pep-talk before friends come but try not too stress too much about it - they are really little and don't feel bad about distracting - biscuits or a telly break can help.

x-posted, agree with goosey too

Your'e right - I think I do expect more of her and probably expected friends to be same.

I usually have friends over for about 3 hours - so I'll drop it to two and get more involved. I'll do what you suggest and structure it more - they all love arts and crafts and painting at that age and we do lots of that ourselves, so will do a bit of that with them. Plenty of stuff to do in garden if sunny - Park is close by actually so can them there.

Glad it's not just DD - was worried she would have trouble with friendships - which would be such a shame. She is non too fond of playing on her own - she usually involves me, dad, brother or nan in her games - that's just made me think actually as adults we always play games her way - may be we should try suggesting different things and encouraging her to play other people's suggestions with us.

Thanks - gave me some food for thought!

dd was often like this with her friends until she was about 6. She's 8 now and things have calmed down a lot although there are still times when she and her friends get really stroppy with each other. It drives me mad but it's all part of growing up I suppose and if I'm honest I remember some pretty big rows with friends when I was quite a bit older