Need to take action - 7 & 5 YO behaviour

[CraftyC]

I have two girls age 5 and 7. Just short of 2 years between them. Their behaviour at home needs a drastic overhaul.
We have employed mostly gentle parenting ideas for years. My patience level is very high. We discuss things calmly, we highlight bad behaviour, I do employ consequences such as time out for negative behaviour or a positive based "tokens in the jar" for good behaviour. I never scream. We dont slap them etc (nor will I ever). Generally, the 7 YO has had good behaviour before the last 6 months. The 5 YO has been VERY challenging from a young age but we coped.

Their behaviour lately is DISGUSTING. Never ending arguing and abuse towards me and DH. Like hours and hours of constant fighting, shouting at us every time we ask them to do something (mainly 7 YO), destroying rooms with clothes or activities and then refusing to tidy anything up without a battle, immense tantrums, ingratitude, general incredibly spoiled brat behaviour. Think Veruca Salt on steroids. My house is hellish to live in. Full of them shouting, fighting, demanding, screaming. I rarely raise my voice because I learned years ago that has no effect. I am living in utter misery. We dont literally spoil them with things as money isnt readily available so its not that but we have obvously tried to give them a lovely life. They have no screen time during the week so i cant blame it on that. I am essentially being bullied by my children. They just think I am their slave. Their treatment of me and my husband is vile. Nothing I do is working. I am in shock that I have raised kids to be like this.

They need a HUGE reset. As a teacher I have seen what happens when parents dont tackle this, but my small day to day "that is not acceptable behaviour" phrasing is not working. We need something big. I was thinking of removing their toys and things they trash about the place (not books), and their behaviour determines if they get their things back. I was thinking of a big chart to track day to day. We need a way of moving from "ah they are little" to "no. You are responsible for your behaviour. Here is the consequence. I am not accepting this".
I am done being a push over with my kids. I refuse to raise brats. I am fighting for their behaviour before this gets to crisis point in teenage years. I need ideas as to how to hammer this out because I cannot live like this anymore.

If anyone says "be positive with them" I will ignore you. Being overly positive and calm and permissive has got me into this situation.

One thing I was taught when training to be a teacher was to never get into a discussion about behaviour. Once you do, you lose their respect and you actually start to bore them and they start pissing about even more. This was for teenagers but I think the same applies with younger children. In fact younger children are probably even less tolerant of the 'poor choices' chats.

I wouldn't discuss bad behaviour. I would simply tell them to stop doing something with an extremely brief explanation if necessary ('Stop! That hurts). Remove anything that causes trouble. If they are fighting over a toy, remove it. If they are throwing something, remove it etc. If they ask when they are getting it back, say a time and if they ask again, double the time and say if they mention it again you will double it again. If they whinge about food have a really boring option that is healthy and very easy for you(like oats and milk). Give them a warning before bed that it is the last opportunity for food. Then never give in once they have gone to bed. My friend told me that it takes a child 3 days to get used to a new system and she was probably right.

Don't expect gratitude for every day stuff. They are actually a bit young for that but don't pressure them with too many things where you are expecting gratitude. Big trips and gifts overwhelm them. Low key stuff is better for you and them.

Make sure they have a lot of exercise. Hours of it if necessary.

The above worked pretty well for me, but not always! Getting out of bed was always an issue but the exercise really helped with that.

This sounds unbelievably hard, and honestly, you’re not alone. A lot of parents hit this stage around 5 to 7 where everything suddenly ramps up. Two kids close in age, both going through big developmental leaps, can create chaos even in homes with really consistent parenting. You haven’t “raised brats.” You’re dealing with a dynamic that’s slid in the wrong direction, and you’re trying to pull it back and that’s actually a sign of a very involved parent.

A few things you may find helpful:

• A firm reset works better than daily battles.

Kids this age respond well to a very clear “this is the new system” rather than gradual changes. Removing toys that are trashed or not respected makes sense, and earning things back is a great way to reset expectations.

• Pick a couple non-negotiables.

You don’t need to fix everything at once. Choose the behaviours that absolutely cannot continue (e.g., shouting at you, refusing basic tasks), make the consequence clear, and follow through every single time. Consistency beats endless patience.

• Keep it visual and simple.

Charts can work, but even simpler systems sometimes get better results: tokens, green/red days, or 3 “chances” a day. At this age, visuals speak louder than long talks.

• Present a united front.

When both parents respond the same way, children recalibrate faster. Even small inconsistencies can feed the chaos.

The fact that you’re stepping in now is a positive thing. You’re doing what a lot of parents hesitate to do, which is press reset before this becomes the new normal.

In case it's useful, we’ve been working on a childrens' wellbeing app called Coggi. It’s not another “parenting app”. It focuses on helping kids build emotional regulation skills themselves. There are a few things parents in similar situations have found helpful:

• Quick emotional check-ins so children start recognising their own frustration levels before things explode
• Short, guided activities (like calming games or breathing play) that work as a reset when the house energy is spiralling
• A simple assessment that helps you understand which emotional skills your child might be struggling with right now (impulse control, frustration tolerance, transitions, etc.)

Sometimes having something structured and neutral helps kids feel more in control of their own feelings, which can ease some of the behaviour storms at home.

You’re not alone, and you absolutely can turn this around. You’re already doing the hardest part, noticing it and stepping up before it gets worse.