Scottish support for badly behaved autistic child

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We need help and not sure where to go, private preferably due to not wanting to wait forever for help.

dd4 has been throwing things at us and hitting us since she was around 18 months. Currently 4 and half and is just a nightmare, its affecting the whole family. I am so depressed now. Its worn me right down.

I have another autistic dd who is 12 and says her life is ruined as her sister just attacks her constantly so she avoids the family and has been in her room most of the time. I just cry all the time now.

It started with dd12 who was 8/9 at the time being mean to her toddler sister constantly aggressive shouting at her to get away and get out her room and not sharing with her and get away from her and she just stared attacking her big sis in response from age 18 months I would say.

it created this awful behaviour we are all now suffering with, as dd12 is pda she is always grumpy and the 4 year old hates her for it so she attacks her to get her away from her, its learned behaviour. dd4 is now adding shouting and screaming for minimal things. The stress and overstimulation in us all is unreal.

What can I do, oh and we home ed so no school stress its the fact they both hate each other and cant cope with normal life. . Did not cope in school so not been in one for a few years.

I have tried my best, I tell them off constantly and try and rationalise and explain how to behave but it goes in 1 ear out the other. I will not be removing their screens as it actually calms them down, its just chaos the whole entire day with no respite for me when I try that. They just accept nothing, naughty step, reward charts, nothing.

Someone with more knowledge than me will hopefully be along soon. Some things do stand out though from your post.

DD1 has PDA. From my, rather limited experience, there will me on way Thats she will respond to the naughty step ot reward charts telling off or trying to rationalise with them. What you need are some strategies that are proved to help with the stress tgat they must be feeling. Has anyone suggested to you that the book 10 days to a less defiant child might help?

And if you’re totally overwhelmed and probably overstimulated, what time away from them are you managing?

You seem to be blaming your older child for your younger child's behaviour OP and that is worrying and wrong. No 9 year old is going to want to share their things with a toddler especially if they are autistic, your elder dd needed her space and her room should be her safe space, she shouldn't be expected to have a toddler in there playing with/trashing all her things.

You just cannot make your elder dd responsible for your youngest child's behaviour, you are the parent, you should be making sure that your youngest was entertained and your eldest had her space respected. The behaviour is down to your parenting and you need to stop blaming your child.

Telling them off constantly isn't going to work, you're just adding into all the negativity. What home education is your oldest child doing? Is she doing an online course, does she have tutors? Is she able to get on with work on her own? You need to get her into a really good routine, with her own work space that her sister is kept away from if she doesn't have that already.

Did the youngest go to preschool? It's not clear which child you want support for (or is it both?) I would be putting the youngest into nursery/preschool and look at getting her hopefully into an SEN school.

You cannot just punish, punish, punish children into good behaviour. Constant telling off and punishment will just lead to them not caring. Get the youngest into preschool/school and then hopefully moved to an SEN school and get the oldest into a good routine, that would be my recommendation.

You are getting the wrong idea. Which I appreciate is easy to do from a post.

I do not blame her but it is extreme hostility she met/ still meets her younger sister with from a young age and it has 100% had a detrimental effect. She is not allowed in her room anymore but the 12 year old still goes into little sisters room to annoy her.

We have a home that is big on being kind but they just dont seem to be getting the memo.

Point of my post is... are there any private therapy places in Scotland?

Side note. Never allowed younger child to " trash " big sis room, how ridiculous of an assumption .

Thank you, pda is extremely hard to reason with. So the chaos keeps going round in circles. I need good strategies that are not traditional punishment ways as they never worked here.

Girls are better apart and I know we are not the only ones who have said that about their own kids and clashing. I just desperately want to see if I can fix things.

The 12 year old was not even diagnosed until she was 9 as that is when the younger sis started walking and becoming more of a perceived threat in some way.

She had been an only child with a low demand life for the first 7 years of her life and was / can still be a great child so she just started up when I had her sister and sister became mobile. Sister was so happu to see her all the time and she rejected her quite aggressive and now little sis dont like her and will do anything to get rid of her. Its hard for both of them. Heartbreaking for me as a mother.

If DD1 is going to DD2 just to annoy her is she dopamine seeking? Do you talk about dopamine and encourage natural ways to increase your dopamine?

I dont know really much about it all. Thanks I'll research that dopamine thing.

What helps DD1 regulate herself? You've mentioned screens, but what else? Bouncing, rocking, fidgets, listening to music, soft cosy things, a hug, being entirely on her own? Then the same question for DD2. Can you build more of those things into their regular routine (or at least the opportunity for them, particularly for PDA DD1)? What are earliest signs that their stress levels are rising? Can they be redirected to something that helps them regulate at those early signs?

Have you tried nursery/preschool for DD2? I think she should be entitled to 30 hours during term time, so if she can access some of that, it gives you a regular bit of time where they are in separate places. Flexi-schooling would potentially be an option if you wanted it to be next year. It could also help you get access to additional support. DD2 should also still be technically under the HV – you could potentially call your local number and ask for a review and some support.

There are some private options, but without knowing roughly where in Scotland you are, it's hard to make suggestions.